NC and mother's day? The best thing to do?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My husband and I were talking about how Mother's Day is around the corner and since I'm a planner, I was talking about Mother's Day gifts/cards and I asked him what he thought we should do for his mom. His reply was that she would always be his mom and he feels we should send her a card, no gift. He still maintains that he wants to have NC with his parents and that he wants them to come to us to solve the issues and apologize (he hasn't yet come to terms that it might never happen, we've been NC since October last year and there's been no acknowledgement of it on their part). I feel a bit cautious about sending her a card as we don't want to give her the wrong idea that everything is fine again and all is forgiven. I'm concerned it will confuse the situation as it is and I also feel that perhaps, while not intending to punish her, that a lack of a Mother's Day card would possibly drive it home to her that there was a very REAL problem going on. So here's my question that I'm throwing out to whoever has an answer for me... .   would sending a card to her be the wrong thing to do or is it just fine for NC? AND for those of you who have gone NC, do you do holiday cards or nothing at all?

[Up In the Air]

My husband and I were talking about how Mother's Day is around the corner and since I'm a planner, I was talking about Mother's Day gifts/cards and I asked him what he thought we should do for his mom. His reply was that she would always be his mom and he feels we should send her a card, no gift. He still maintains that he wants to have NC with his parents and that he wants them to come to us to solve the issues and apologize (he hasn't yet come to terms that it might never happen, we've been NC since October last year and there's been no acknowledgement of it on their part). I feel a bit cautious about sending her a card as we don't want to give her the wrong idea that everything is fine again and all is forgiven. I'm concerned it will confuse the situation as it is and I also feel that perhaps, while not intending to punish her, that a lack of a Mother's Day card would possibly drive it home to her that there was a very REAL problem going on. So here's my question that I'm throwing out to whoever has an answer for me... .   would sending a card to her be the wrong thing to do or is it just fine for NC? AND for those of you who have gone NC, do you do holiday cards or nothing at all?

[doubleAries]

Hmmmm... .  

Well, if he wants to send a card, then he should do so. Let him do it--don't stick your hand in there.

I have been NC with my witch mother for 22 years. I don't even know her address, and I sure don't send her cards! Seems to work just fine for both of us. She doesn't send me cards either.

doubleAries

[Up In the Air]

Thank you for your input, doubleAries!

Yeah, I definitely don't want to get in between them... .   it's not my place. He'll do what he feels is right for that relationship and he should. Truthfully, I'd love for them to have a good relationship and I know how hard he's struggled trying to have one with her. Heck, I struggled trying to be in a good place with her until I found out she was uBPD and then I backed off. We've just been through so much with his mom and dad and I guess I'm feeling a little protective of him and my marriage. We're finally in a better place without her games and manipulation and I'm just terrified that the card will open the door back up to the 'crazy', ya know?

And then I borrow trouble and wonder if they do start speaking again, how things will fit 'as a family' and where we'll end up drawing the boundaries for our own household. The thought of having to deal with all that drama again makes me want to pull my hair out. I guess I'm totally the one who has the problem with it.

[doubleAries]

There are a lot of good articles and videos on this website to help with this kind of stuff. Here's a really good article BPD BEHAVIORS: Waif, Hermit, Queen, and Witch this article comes from this book Understanding the Borderline Mother which I really, really recommend. Dr. Lawson not only explains the different kinds of BPD mothers, but how the children of these subtypes can best cope with her. It is invaluable.

And here's a great article about boundaries BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

It's not really a matter of either putting up with it on her terms OR cutting off all contact. You can learn to approach the whole thing differently. Something you don't learn simply by cutting off contact 

[GeekyGirl]

Yeah, I definitely don't want to get in between them... .   it's not my place. He'll do what he feels is right for that relationship and he should.

That's a good way to look at it. I get where you're coming from when you say that you want them to have a good relationship, but in order for that to happen, your DH may need to change how he interacts with his parents. doublearies gave you a few good resources to check out, which might better explain what you and your DH can do.

To answer your original question, there's no wrong or right answer. If it would help your DH to feel better if he sends a card (and nothing more), then it wouldn't be a bad idea. 

[Up In the Air]

Thank you, both of you!

I'll be checking those articles out and I'm thinking I'll run down to the bookstore and see if they have a copy of that book.

My hubby and I talked about it again and I feel much better about things now.