How to Admit to Others You Were Wrong

[OnlyChild]

My dad left my uBPD mom after about 20-years of marriage.   I was 10 at the time.   By age 13 I stopped seeing my dad... .   well trained to be fiercely loyal to her + Stockholm stuff = no dad.   

At age 19 I came close to some freedom.  I rekindled my relationship with my dad.   Since then and over the years we would talk sometimes about my mom.   He showed me a huge box full of letters that he wrote to various social services professionals, congressmen, even the governor of his effort to liberate me from her.   Unfortunately, it was true Stockholm---I denied all the bad things in exchange not to "lose this lovely home" I lived in, avoid foster care, etc.   I'm sure you all know the threats.   

So many times I went to counselors about relationships that were failing and eventually completely failed.   So many times I would get close to liberating my self but never did it.   I'd go right back to the fierce loyalty and defend her to the point that everyone likely thought I was nuts.

I'm starting to feel that I am nuts.    I am now seeing some of the crazy things I defended.   I know it has to be super uncomfortable for my dad to face my tormented life---he really tried above and beyond expectation to free me.  I just refused to be free.   Now over 30 years later I'm sure he's just sick of it all.   

One of my grand Stockholm performances included leaving my husband when my uBPD mom died.    I've left him twice before for her.    We're getting along probably the best we ever had, but there are some, my dad probably included that think my relationship is doomed.   

I feel defeated and my defeat is caused by my own behavior.   (gaak!  could I have BPD myself?) :'(

Why has it taken me 44 years to get this figured out?  And why are there not more therapists trained to help people like us?   I cannot find a therapist that specializes in anything other than alcohol treatment.   I don't have an alcohol problem... .   I think I have PTSD from my uBPD upbringing.

I'm willing to take medical leave if I need to go to a treatment facility for children of BPDs.    I want to get through this so badly once and for all!   Is there such a place?

  Thanks for letting me vent.  I'm having a bad day... .   feeling down and defeated.

[GeekyGirl]

OnlyChild, you're not nuts. You're processing a lot right now, and I know firsthand how difficult that is.

How your dad reacts to your childhood is his choice and his responsibility, just like your feelings and reactions are yours. I'm sure it wasn't easy for your father to see the letters from your mother and to see how you were influenced by her. On the bright side, though, you do have a chance to work on your relationship with him now.

From what you've said, you were enmeshed with your mother, which is very, very common in children of BPD parents. You defended her, likely because you wanted to protect her or have a bond with her, which makes sense--we all want the love and support of our parents.

You can change, though. There are therapists out there who specialize in BPD, but it can be tough to find them. You said that you've been referred to counselors who specialize in alcohol and addiction. Could you ask one of them to help you find a therapist who has a good understanding of BPD or PTSD? Could your general practitioner help? It really can take some time (and a few interviews) to find a therapist who you can really work with, but it's worth the effort.

[OnlyChild]

Thank you GeekyGirl... .     that does help.   I'm not terribly comfortable asking my current therapist to refer me to someone else.  She is a good person.   I also appreciate your encouragement to "interview" therapists for a couple of visits.