A little about me (just joined)

[bluebasket321]

Hi!

I'm new to the group,  just joined hoping to connect with people who understand the unique experience of being involved with a BP.

I have a friend who has most of the BD traits from the DSM (though she is undiagnosed).  We went to high school together (but weren’t especially close then), lost touch after graduation (we moved to different places) and re-connected at age 27 (4 years ago).  She is married now and has a child, I am single.

I’m tempted to call her my best friend, because that’s how I feel sometimes and because I often prefer her company to others, but she can be so inconsistent in the way she treats me and so unreliable that I know I can’t really call her that. I don’t think she really trusts me, and she lies to me so much that I don’t really trust her.

We usually meet up at least once a week for dinner or drinks.  We don’t really have a circle of common friends, though she seems to be the life of the party wherever she goes.

There have been frequent cycles of silent treatment followed by excuses that I know not to be true such as, “I was in the hospital for 10 days with pneumonia, just got out now” or “my phone got stolen”.

Once she said she was moving away (leaving the country) “for 9 months or maybe forever” (she came back 3 weeks later, clearly she had just gone on vacation).

However, I can’t say she’s ever lied maliciously, trying to gain something, or trying to hurt me.  Maybe I’m naïve or weak or in denial, but I just can’t rationalize breaking off the relationship with her even though I know it’s not ideal or healthy.  I feel like she’s a good person, it’s just the BPD traits that get in the way a lot at certain times.

I’ve joined this group to connect with others who are experiencing similar things and for support or advice from time to time.

I look forward to getting to know you!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[lbjnltx]

Hello Bluebasket,

Glad to have you here!


lbjnltx

[Cloudy Days]

Welcome! You are in good company 

I wanted to say that my husband seems to do the lying thing to people he doesn't know really well. Which is everyone but me heck he could be lying to me and I wouldn't know it. But they are usually lies to cover up how he feels about people. He doesn't want them to know how screwed up he is. He's made good friends with people and then blows them off because of his social fears. He will usually tell small white lies like over exagerating that he doesn't feel good or he will say he's in the hospital or that he is having surgury or that he is having car problems. It's always something to avoid contact with the other person but he doesn't want them to think it's because of them. I think he truly would like to be more social he just doesn't trust people so it gets to be too much for him. He is very charastmatic too, most people tend to really like him.

[bluebasket321]

Most of the time when I know she's lying I try to figure out what feeling it might be trying to conceal. Sometimes I can figure it out easily but other times I can't. When she tells little white lies or exaggerates things a bit, I don't mind that much.  But when she makes up lies to avoid taking responsibility for something, I get really annoyed.

For example, one time she was out late clubbing and called me saying she was going to come over to my house, so I waited up for her.  It was getting later and later but she would call at intervals and assure me that she was coming so I stayed up waiting even though I was tired.  At around 5am, she sent me a message saying, "Oh, I see your light is out, I guess you fell asleep" obviously implying that she was outside my house.  Since I was still awake and my light was on, I was confused. I checked outside but she wasn't there. Sent her a text saying, "I'm still awake, what are you talking about?" and got no reply.  I called her but she didn't pick up.

When I asked her about it the next day, she told me a million other little lies in lots of detail (it sounded like a random list of excuses because there was no coherence to them). It was like she was just trying to confuse me so I wouldn't know what to think.  So not only did she inconvenience me, but she didn't even have the decency to apologize.

That's just one example.  On the one hand, I know that it was my choice to wait up for her.  But this type of scenario plays itself out on a smaller scale all the time, from her saying she didn't receive messages or emails, to saying she's injured when it isn't true.

I’m really interested in knowing how to respond to these lies.  Up until now, I have just ignored them, changing the subject.  But I’m starting to feel that’s letting her off the hook too easy.

Does anyone have any ideas?

[Cloudy Days]

Yikes, those kinds of lies would bother me too.

I'm not really sure how you would deal with it. If you call her on her lies, she may just make up another lie. I've had a freind like that who would lie to me about everything, she wasn't a borderline though. I would call her on her lie and she told me her mother used to beat her and made her lie. I don't know if that was true.

With a borderline you may do more harm than good by bringing up the fact that she is lying. I know my husband would probably turn on me for pointing out something he is ashamed of. It seems to be a boundry issue for you though. What or how you would set one for that particular issue I have no idea. I do know that I never expect an apology for my husband especially if he feels like he did nothing wrong. Another thing is that she could beleive her lie that she told. The moment you call her on something it could turn into you hurting her by calling her a liar.