How is the best way to do LC when kids are involved

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I won't go into a lot of detail but all I can say is the last three days have been days from hell - but my question is - what is the best way to do LC contact when kids are involved?  Is it ok to not reply to any texts that are not related to the kids - and if so is it best not to respond at all or just reply "is this related to the kids"? Any ideas of what has worked from any of you for best replies or non replies?

[cal644]

I won't go into a lot of detail but all I can say is the last three days have been days from hell - but my question is - what is the best way to do LC contact when kids are involved?  Is it ok to not reply to any texts that are not related to the kids - and if so is it best not to respond at all or just reply "is this related to the kids"? Any ideas of what has worked from any of you for best replies or non replies?

[marbleloser]

I usually don't reply if it doesn't involve the kids.Yesterday I got a weird one that kind of sounded like it was about the kids,then went off into wth is this and why did u text me?

I just stopped and she's learned that when I stop,I'm done.

X "Are you taking your lunch to the ballgame tomorrow?The kids are having hotdogs and chips.

Therefore,S9 can't eat anything there"

Me"I figured that.I'll pack his lunch and bring it"

X "It still technically my time and I'll pack his lunch.

Me "Whatever"

X "I have to follow the rules" (Going through divorce)

Me (Scratching my head trying to figure this one out)

S9 is going on a field trip and I'm going with him and his class.He can't eat alot of foods,so he'll need to take his.I still can't figure out why she even bothered to text about it if she was going to pack his lunch anyway.

It all depends on you.If you don't want to communicate,don't.If you do,do it by email or text only.

[cal644]

Thanks for the reply - thats what it seems like for me to - she will open up some simple conversation in regard to the kids and it always seems to be a wolf in sheeps clothing.  Thats why I wish I could never respond and fall into the trap - but there are times 1 out of 5 it is a legit thing. 

[Matt]

How old are the kids?

Mine were 8 and 10 when we separated, and over time I figured out that it's best to only respond to stuff about the kids, and only to practical things, not abstractions or arguments.

E-mail is best - not phone or face-to-face.

If an e-mail contains several things, ignore those that aren't appropriate and practical, and consider responding to each issue in separate e-mails, so you can keep it very simple - 3 sentences max.

I also find it helpful not to request or suggest that the other party do something or not.  Instead, I state what I will do, and let her respond if she will.  Not "I think you should drop the kids off at noon Saturday" but "I will pick the kids up at noon Saturday."  She can disagree if she wants, but usually she either says "OK" or nothing.

My kids are now 14 and 16.  Over the years - starting shortly after we separated - I include them in the planning and encourage them to step up and make their own decisions.

[Lucky Jim]

Well said, Matt.  I don't take calls from my Ex BPD W and limit contact to email only.  Agree, keep it simple, and respond only to practical stuff about the kids, not to the inflammatory and inappropriate comments that generally accompany messages from her.