If you love me you will...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am so tired, tense and over it.

My uBPD g/f had an emotional outburst last weekend, out of the blue. She's had one session of therapy and apparently it was all about our rship.  More over, my defensiveness attitude when she wants to share her feelings about my behaviour.  So much hurt in the past that I cannot help but defend. I can see that has caused her great pain and suffering, at least until makes up another excuse her for in appropriate outbursts and behaviour.  So, as you can see my trusting that she has finally realise why she has been breaking up from me, outbursts and tantrums over 3.5yrs is all about me being defensive when i feel she is attacking me... . its a horrible cycle that we are in.  As this outburst was last Sunday morning an again sunday night, i'm still getting over it.  We did talk after her last attack, she shared about my defensiveness and not validating how she feels (about my behaviour)... . and I said I would look into my stuff, which i will. I guess I need to let go of the past hurts that keep me resentful.  In saying all this, we had planned to go camping this weekend (its been a plan for ages).  We dont live together, I need to re-energise so I sent a nice email to reschedule... .   well... .   sigh. "If you love me you would come camping! "our conversation means nothing if you dont act on trying to work on this"... .   she may have a point, but do I risk my wellbeing (emotional health), do i risk being stressed out... .   I know im negative but sheesh, its only been 4 days... . I feel I cant  just turn myself around and be excited about something when Im still feeling the repercussions of her screaming outburst... .   She also sounds like there is still heat in her, volatile energy... .

I have read in one of the workshops on this site that communication, [url=https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation]validation[/b][/url], honesty can work in these kinds of situations. I f could take the risk, and use the tools and strategies in this site to go... .

the if you love me statement is so BPD isnt it? it still does my head in... .

any suggestins would be appreciated

[defusion5]

I am so tired, tense and over it.

My uBPD g/f had an emotional outburst last weekend, out of the blue. She's had one session of therapy and apparently it was all about our rship.  More over, my defensiveness attitude when she wants to share her feelings about my behaviour.  So much hurt in the past that I cannot help but defend. I can see that has caused her great pain and suffering, at least until makes up another excuse her for in appropriate outbursts and behaviour.  So, as you can see my trusting that she has finally realise why she has been breaking up from me, outbursts and tantrums over 3.5yrs is all about me being defensive when i feel she is attacking me... . its a horrible cycle that we are in.  As this outburst was last Sunday morning an again sunday night, i'm still getting over it.  We did talk after her last attack, she shared about my defensiveness and not validating how she feels (about my behaviour)... . and I said I would look into my stuff, which i will. I guess I need to let go of the past hurts that keep me resentful.  In saying all this, we had planned to go camping this weekend (its been a plan for ages).  We dont live together, I need to re-energise so I sent a nice email to reschedule... .   well... .   sigh. "If you love me you would come camping! "our conversation means nothing if you dont act on trying to work on this"... .   she may have a point, but do I risk my wellbeing (emotional health), do i risk being stressed out... .   I know im negative but sheesh, its only been 4 days... . I feel I cant  just turn myself around and be excited about something when Im still feeling the repercussions of her screaming outburst... .   She also sounds like there is still heat in her, volatile energy... .

I have read in one of the workshops on this site that communication, [url=https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation]validation[/b][/url], honesty can work in these kinds of situations. I f could take the risk, and use the tools and strategies in this site to go... .

the if you love me statement is so BPD isnt it? it still does my head in... .

any suggestins would be appreciated

[OTH]

"If you love me you would come camping! "our conversation means nothing if you dont act on trying to work on this"... .   she may have a point, but do I risk my wellbeing (emotional health), do i risk being stressed out... .  

No. It is a well sounding falsehood. Oh God no. You don't risk your well being. If somebody truly cares about you it is a marathon and not a sprint. Step back and take care of your own well being. The carnage on these boards is a direct result of focusing energy on a loved one rather than first making sure their own emotional well being is taken care of. Take a time out. Take a step back. Not out of hatred. Not out of anger. Just take a step  back to feel things out. If your relationship is well grounded it will endure. No ultimatums. Just real communication and conflict resolution.

[Vindi]

my uBPD bf says the same alot:

well, if you love me, you'd... .  

and more so, well I am your bf "and because we love eachother," you should do this or that

heard it over and over thru the years, I think my BPD uses the "love" word so much, cuz thats all he cares about is someone "loving him" and yet his love back is not the same!

you do sound stressed out, and emotionally drained... .   I wouldn't let the I love yous, get in the way, it sounds like a bargaining/manipulating tool.

As OTH posted, yes, take care of you!

[Clearmind]

I agree its important to take some time out for you.

A statement like that is a bargaining tool and used to make you feel guilty. We cannot make good decisions when placed into a position of obligation (having to go on the camping trip).

Your GF really needs to self soothe herself without coercing you into doing it for her. Let her be, let her process her own emotions. Look after you!

[Empathy101]

I have read in one of the workshops on this site that communication, validation, honesty can work in these kinds of situations. I f could take the risk, and use the tools and strategies in this site to go... .

"The very thought of us camping together has been something I have been looking forward to since we first discussed it. I've envisioned (**bunch of mushy, lovey stuff* during our time together. I really want this camping trip to be something both of us will remember; something that will strengthen our relationship and commitment to each other. That's so incredibly important to me and I feel you want that as well. What concerns me right now is the emotions I am trying to deal with at the moment. I worry that they will have an impact on the trip and because you mean so much to me, I feel this is something I should deal with first so that we can have the amazing trip we both want to have. I know it would disappoint you if I do not go so rather than cancel, could we discuss rescheduling it?"


Would telling her that be dishonest? You need to have the ability to express yourself and be validated as well. And your concerns and feelings are very valid right now. I'm sure plans changing will have a negative impact on her but if you present it in a way that helps her feel as though you want an experience similar to what she wants, it may help her be more understanding and ease the situation a bit. Plus, it will help you feel validated and understood. It may not work exactly as one might hope, but as everyone else has said, you do need to put some focus on yourself. Good luck.

[VeryFree]

Love should be unconditional... .   Well, that's what my stbxw said to me a lot.

In fact love can't be unconditional. If it was, you should put another one before yourself. We all did in our r/s, but look where that has brought us.

Imho: if you love me, you'd... .   should never be used and when it is used: