i can hardly stand my sister, & that's putting it kindly

[beatnik chick]

  my 45 yr old, undiagnosed sister, L, has been living in mom's house since november when her last relationship dissolved.  my step dad passed in december.  today was mom's birthday.  last week, one of my step sisters emailed L & me about getting together for a birthday dinner.  L responded, with thinly veiled snideness, that a dinner was to be a a local restaurant.  cool, right?  mom was looking forward to spending a nice evening with her kids & grandkids.  (there were no his/her kids when mom & step dad married;  we are both of their kids).  L, unbeknownst to mom, had invited one of mom's church circles as a surprise.  she told mom that there would be a "special guest" at dinner.  mom, who has been suffering frequent anxiety attacks since L moved in,  became a little panicky.  L  then told her about the surprise & said that she had to still act surprised.  L also expressed that she wanted it to be just mom's friends & not really the step sisters.  oh, & the grandchild (4yrs old)  had to be seated at the far end of the table if he HAD to be there at all.  mom & i arrived at the exact time we were told.  the step sisters & grand kids were waiting for us in the front room.  L had apparently told them something that made them feel unwelcome, & they were planning to leave after wishing mom a happy bday.  mom asked them to please stay, which they did.  L then directed them & the kids to sit at the very far end of a long table & told mom to sit at the head & told me that my seat was on one side of mom & hers was on the other.  i chose to sit with my step sisters.  the friends from church filled the space, eventually between.  L, towards the end of the dinner, clanked her glass, & thanked everyone for coming & thanked them for all having email.  this, i believe, was a direct barb at the step sister who initially contacted us about getting together for mom's birthday as she did so in a facebook message.  L had expressed her disgust at that to mom earlier.  keep in mind, L is on facebook daily.

i am filled with such loathing towards my sister & her horrid behavior towards our other sisters.  in addition to her treatment of my mom on a daily basis, her constant attacks on everyone, & all the other crap that comes with a borderline, i am starting to just hate her.  i find myself not caring about what happens to her.  mom offered to help her get an apartment.  she said she's not ready to live alone, yet.  what?  this after yelling at my mom about how much she hates living with her.  L cycles almost daily on one of those super expensive racing-type bicycles.  (how'd she afford that?)  i find myself wondering if i'dbe very upset if she was killed by a car hitting her.  this is not how i want to feel about my sister.  i try to find compassion for her.  i can't imagine how awful it must be to live in her mind.  but, i see how awful she is, & worry about my mom.  i know there is no answer.  i just needed to get this out.  thanks.

[Clearmind]

beatnik, firstly Welcome! You are among folks who completely understand what you are going through. Important events seem to be barbed with lots of antics and frustrations.

I can also understand your disdain for her behavior. 

You seem to understand your sister’s limitations and also taking on the burden of her actions on everyone else. Trust me, I understand how this happens and we can work with our own thoughts of needing to protect everyone and the temptation to control BPDsis.

What can we do? We can control our reaction to someone’s behaviour by reminding ourselves we are not responsible for their actions. We can work on not letting our emotional mind wreak havoc on our rational mind.

TOOLS: Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mind

Check out the lessons - some good information available there.

Mom needs to make a choice of whether she wishes to support BPDsis or enable – and there is a big difference. Mom permitting BPDsis to live with her is not going to help her cope – it’s enabling her behaviour.

[nickyg]

It sounds like you really care about your Mum and it must be hard watching this and the way she is treating other members of your family.  Having a 23 year old daughter  who is constantly putting me down and abusing me, I can well relate. 

It has really helped me to learn more about the illness and how it affects people. I can see a lot of it is coming from a place of fear.

I am starting to let some of the abuse wash over my head whilst also starting to put firmer boundaries in place.  So there are consequences for her behaving badly toward me. She now has to move out of my house and is pretty stressed as a result but I'm following through as I need my life back.

Good luck, support your Mum and understand that your sister is unwell if you can.  I know it's really hard when you're in it, they just seem evil.  Hopefully she'll get some help. 

[beatnik chick]

thank you both for your replies!  mom does understand that she is enabling, yet struggles with the fear of sister's patterns that will quite possibly lead her to utter destitution.  meanwhile, mom's health is suffering.  she has come to this site & read up on BPD recently which has helped her understand the source of the behavior a little more.  we both are new to our awareness of BPD.  mom is finding some acceptance where i am finding myself with less & less desire to have anything to do with my sister.  i would opt for NC, but i want to help my mom.  i want to suggest to my sister that she should get her own place ( again, mom will help), but i fear the backlash that she may direct at my mother because of my involvement.  sister does not want mom to tell me or anyone the extent of her financial support.  it seems like the family is running full speed in a cage full of rusty razor blades at all times or dangling by a thread over the hungriest sharks in the tank. 

thank you again for your support & this forum! 

i plan on emailing my sister this evening to thank her for organizing the party & to remark on how blessed we are to have such a loving extended family.  i will also, perhaps in a later email, ask her if she has looked for an apt. while telling her i understand how important it is to her to have her own space (as she has repeatedly said until very recently how she hates living with mom & wants to move out).

[beatnik chick]

nicky g, i am really glad for your determination to stand your ground & reclaim your life by having your d move out.  better to set that precedent early.  i wish you strength & love!