the panic

[healinghome]

does anyone else feel panic from the BPD behaviour.  the BPD's that I've experienced change reality to suit them so much that I feel that they are probably capable of anything;

hacking emails

death threats

theft

lies

smear campaigns

manipulating others into enabler behaviour

etc

which actually makes them dangerous to be around.  perhaps this is the cause of some of the triggers I have? the reality that they are capable of pretending you out of existence and convincing others of the same, or reacting so extreme that your life becomes a living hell. anyone else get the panic?  and how do you deal with it if you do?

[Kwamina]

Hi healinghome2!

I've often felt like this too. As a kid I truly believed my uBPD mom was all powerful and could 'destroy' me. As an adult I still felt that way when interacting with my mother. Now I realize that when I'm around her I feel and behave like a little kid again and start reacting to her as if she's still the all powerful adult who can make or break this young child. I deal with it now by reminding myself that I'm an adult now who doesn't live with her anymore and that she really isn't and has never been as powerful as she wanted me to believe. This was her way of controlling me, everything seemed to be about power and control with her.

[healinghome]

hi kwanmina     I think there's a difference between thinking/believing that they are capable of anything, and knowing they are capable of anything.  my mother tried to stab my father once and then threatened him with knowledge of his questionable occupation behaviour, which he responded to with threats of having her 'bumped off'.  they've broken into each others houses, stalked each other, stolen money from each other, my BPDsis recently had her husband arrested for violent abuse when she was violent to him.  I could go on but hope you get the picture.  the mentally unstable people I've experienced actually are capable of anything.  so I think the fear is legit.  but how to deal with it.

[skelly_bean]

Hi Healinghome,

I was actually thinking about this recently. My mother doesn't "appear" to be a scary person. She IS a scary person. She tried to stab my stepfather and in retaliation he broke her nose. Several years later when my stepfather tried to kill himself, she refused to drive him to the hospital. Instead she just told me to take care of him. (He ODd on tylenol, so I just stayed with him and gave him water and food and stuff).

She will say ANYTHING to hurt me if she feels like she's been hurt. She told me her children were the biggest disappointment of her life. I want to tell her about the sexual abuse I experienced, to better explain my situation, but I'm afraid she would use that against me if not when I told her, then at a time out of the blue.

My therapist tells me that she I'm an adult now, and she can't hurt me like she did when I was a kid. But she can still kill herself (as she has threatened so many times), and she is constantly an unpredictable variable in my life with a lot of control over me emotionally.

I understand this situation well. I'm sorry that you are triggered by her behaviour (or the potential of her behaviour). For me, limiting contact and maximizing my coping skills (reading self help books, practising calming exercises) has been working.

I filter my emails from her. My partner receives them and tells me the gist. etc. There are ways to minimize risk with risky people, and you probably have a few good risk minimizers in use already.

I panic often when I'm in direct contact with her, even though she's across the country. I do think though that terror of feeling helpless comes from my childhood. There are lots of ways that we can control our lives now that we couldn't now.

Are there any self defense/risk minimizers you use now that are effective? And are there any that you could think of that would make you feel safer?

 

[OnlyChild]

I can totally relate.  My uBPD mom had successfully convinced her friends that I had completely abandoned her when I called her every day and visited every 6 weeks (we lived 2 hours away from each other).   She also called the police on my husband, but the police quickly figured out that she had mental health problems.    She did have the ability to make me do "enabler" feats.  

I know exactly the anxiety that these behaviors provoke.  It's hard to stay in your head about this.   A friend of mine once advised me to think about how I would treat my friend's young teenager.  That was a great frame of reference.   I would never treat my friend's daughter the way my uBPD mom treated me.   I think as children of BPD parents we tend to self-sacrifice, but would never find that behavior to be acceptable if it were inflicted on someone else.  

I also think that it is important to have confidence that those involved can see through the manipulation.   How could they not have been stung and know that they have been stung?  The realization may not be immediate, but I cannot believe that reality doesn't come through at some point.  

After my uBPD mom passed away I was visiting with one of her very close friends.   That friend offered to me her condolences, but then also said, "I don't mean to be critical, but I think you know what I mean when I say we both have some relief now... .   your mom was not an easy person to get along with."    Even my mom's close friend could see through it all, but was not comfortable admitting that until it was "safe."  

It's hard for kids like us to stay in our heads about all this.   Celebrate the times that you are successful with this.  

[Kwamina]

I think there's a difference between thinking/believing that they are capable of anything, and knowing they are capable of anything.  my mother tried to stab my father once and then threatened him with knowledge of his questionable occupation behaviour, which he responded to with threats of having her 'bumped off'.  they've broken into each others houses, stalked each other, stolen money from each other, my BPDsis recently had her husband arrested for violent abuse when she was violent to him.  I could go on but hope you get the picture.  the mentally unstable people I've experienced actually are capable of anything.  so I think the fear is legit.  but how to deal with it.

Hi again healinghome2!

These incidents are very difficult indeed. My advice would be that whenever you feel in danger, just leave. Your own safety and wellbeing is most important. I don’t know if you’re familiar with the book ‘Understanding the borderline mother’, but in it the author describes four  types of borderline mothers. You can find ways of dealing with The Waif, Hermit and Queen but the Witch is something else. Whenever the Witch appears you should immediately end the interaction (leave, hang up the telephone etc.). You cannot negotiate with the Witch. My uBPD mom & sis fortunately aren’t Witches all the time, but after seeing them turn into one I was frightened and on guard all the time. I can relate to your fear, whenever my mother and sister turn into the Witch they are in fact capable of anything. I’m still in contact with them but I would describe it as controlled contact, I've set certain boundaries. How would you classify your mother? Would you say she’s a Witch most or even all of the time? If so, you're dealing with a very dangerous person indeed and you should perhaps consider complete NC.

[healinghome]

hi skelly-bean,  i'm sorry to hear of what you have also been through, but relieved to find people to relate to.

I panic often when I'm in direct contact with her, even though she's across the country. I do think though that terror of feeling helpless comes from my childhood. There are lots of ways that we can control our lives now that we couldn't now.

I know how you feel.  I have 2 uBPD sisters, a uBPDm and an NPD father and contact with any of them is triggering for me.  I want to go nc with them all, but am scared of the repercussions.  i'm vlc and black listed by them all for being so. and yes... .   they are dangerous.  they have lost contact with reality and are a danger to themselves and others (especially the vulnerable like children... .   which sickens me).  I've set up an alternative email address specifically for them and have limited all contact to that, but i'm still triggering! maybe nc is the only way I can have some sort of a life?

hi only-child, you were lucky the police picked up on her issues, I've heard some horror stories involving BPD reporting people.  you sound lucky to have others who have enough clarity and courage to see through your late mothers behaviour. 

hi kwamina, I've read that book several times.  I might dig it out again though    one of my sisters and mother periodically turn into witches.  my older sister is one hell of a witch/queen and scares the crap out of me.  my mother is a waif with the witch showing her ugly face when she has the energy (shes in her 60's now).  I think her waifiness is doing a guilt job on me and that's preventing my nc (which i'd ultimately love to be). 

ultimately, I need to confront this panic and fear and put it to bed.