BPD father calls on phone to project his addictions ... and failed

[super dalit]

Like Most Borderlines, my father has been projecting his emotions/addictions/interests  etc on me as long as I can remember.  Ever since I graduated from college, this has been exclusively limited to  his work addiction. He cannot seem to understand that I am not a workaholic and that I desire to have my own life without his approval. Which I have come to accept that I will never have. 

SO last night my mom calls to check on us because she had not heard from us in a while. My kids usually call her every week or two to say hi.  Then my dad gets on the phone and immediately asks "Well, are you working?"  then "well what are you doing?  Do you still do such and such?"  thne I heard this excitement, like someone having a heroin rush "Where are you wroking  what are you doing?"  All of these quesions I refused to answer.  I just kept saying "You know I do not talk about work"

SO the conversation ends with him neverr getting an answer as to where I work, what I do, and any details therein . AND I felt good about it.

But keep in mind this is a recurring pattern. Since graduating from college,  every conversation every meeting  everytime we were around each other, he always brought up the subject of work. And changed it back to work, And refused to talk about anything else.

Once, I had to go to the ER  With a very dangerous heart arrythmia. Once he found out about it (my mom was concerned) ALL he kept asking was "Well you aren't going to have to miss work because  of it are you?" Never once asked what was wrong, what happened, what my wellbeing or welfare was... .  only if I could fulfill his addiction and allow him to project his workaholic addicitons onto me. He could not have cared less if I suffered and died from it, except that then I would not be around  for him to project his addiciton onto me.  I truly believe that this man does not know the difference between himself and me. He does not know where his life ends and mine begins. To him, I am simply an extention of him which must be micromanaged and used to fulfill his addictions, such as work, because he cannot handle them.  This to me would be akin to someone calling up someone else and telling them that they are not drinking enough beer, or shooting enough heroin.

So my refusal to include him might not make any difference. I will bet my next ten dollar donation on this board that he calls back within a few days, having an anxiety attack begging me to tell him where I work and what I do.  Untreated Borderlines do not seem to change, even  with a 2000 mile buffer.

[cleotokos]

Super Dalit, I can certainly relate to the feeling of your parent not knowing where they end and you begin. With my mom it was like she seemed to think I was some possession, like a book or a bathrobe. I was her property. And, I was also an extension of her. Any time she gave me compliments, they would be way over the top and I just felt like she was really complimenting herself. It strikes me as sad it seems the only way your dad seems able to relate to you is through discussing work. Maybe he's looking for validation that the life he lived as a workaholic was "ok"?

[super dalit]

Maybe he is,  and I am not in the  frame of mind right now to give that to him. And I am not in the frame of mind to engace him in a conversation of that topic.

Keep in mind, this has been, since I was an adult, a very abusive situation which no one either wants to hear or cares.

My father has engaged in some very manipulative behaviors regarding my work and careers. When I was in High School, my friend landed the two of us the ideal summer sports job. My dad  however, decided  that he wanted me bagging groceries at the grocery store instead. He actually went to my boss and threatened him if he did not get rid of  me AND  my friend.

He used to call places I worked just to talk to people and check up on me. He would repeatedly call and ask for written copies of my schedule, which I never  gave to him. He also hounded me anytime I was not working to be  working overtime, or find a second  job. I thought perhaps he wanted me out of his life, which I arranged and did.

But there are some darker more ominous parts of this addiction. Once  when he asked me about when I was working again, Which BTW  was and is his standrad greeting, not hi, how are you? how are the kids? how is life?  rather  How is your work?  I quipped "Oh I quit"  He grabbed my arm and started hyperventilating at me and said "You what?" I pulled lose and walked away. And my big regret is that I did not stay gone. I would have loved for that to have been the last time he ever had the pleasure of seeing or hearing from me.

My family, especially my mom, makes a lot of excuses for him and his behavior. She still denies that there is anything wrong with him,  just as he denies that there is anything  wrong with my multiple addicted sister.

I do not live with excuses, I want results in life. The only thing that will change is if he calls to tell me he is going in for an evaluation. And that has not happened yet.

ANd, it would not matter  if I did answer him. he would be repeating the same questions over and over, not listening to the answers, and calling right back, BUT  he would be calling more often if he got a positive response. By at least not telling him anything, yes he will be calling soon, but not as soon . And since he has no idea where I work,  I won't have my boss calling me in asking who this wierdo calling from out of state to check up on me is either.

[cleotokos]

Wow super dalit, that sounds very severe. He is obsessive on this topic and it's clearly been detrimental in your life. I don't blame you for setting a standard that if he wants to have communication with you, he needs to seek professional help. It sounds like your mom is an enabler. Does anyone else in your family see what you see?

[Clearmind]

super dalit, isn’t it wonderful that you are now an adult who gets to choose and gets to decide how to manage this type of projection.

It’s likely he does care about you a great deal and while it may seem controlling to you, it’s the way he shows he cares/loves you.

It’s a good boundary that you will not discuss work with him.

Since this is about you and your life - I wonder how you are coping with the restrictions you have in your relationship with him? Have you accepted it or battle to understand it?

[super dalit]

He is very severe.  My brother, his wife have both noticed that in our family, he has always wanted to make everyone's decisions for them (ie college marriage kids work etc) and when we did not follow what he chose, he reacted with the usual Borderline response of "You just hate me that 's all"

My brother lives near him but associates with him very little. He actually associates with all of us very little.

My sister in law has noticed these behaviors as well, and also noticed my mother's penchant to deny and enable him.

Some of the crap he has pulled over the years is beyond belief, especially to anyone who has not lived with or worked with a BPD.  Once he signed me up for a summer away to learn the art and trade of leatherworking. I ended up not going, but he never asked  me beforehand, jsut  came up with it on a whim when he heard I had an unle  who had opened a western store.  He said "This will be a good job,  you may have your own store someday"   when I said that I had no interest in having a store or pursuing leatherworking as a career, he just said "Aw no you just hate me that 's all"

One year, he was pushing me to get a job at a grocery store. This was after he intimidated my boss into not giving me any hours. He thought taht he could manipulate me into doing the work HE wanted me to do instead of what I wanted to do (which payed more and was more fun)

Now some background a college bound High School student but most students were in distributie education, which at the time meant half the day at school and half working learning a trade There were no classes for them to prepare them for college but  there were classes to prepare them for life like how to open a bank account and how to budget a house etc.  SO he sends me over to talk to this friend of his about a job at his store, but the guy tells me no, that it is strictly for kids in distributive ed.  

SO my dad tells me right there "Well go change  your schedule and get into distributive ed then!"  he then says "well forget college this guy is going to give you this job" All this on an impulsive whim.

As for interesests, he always said "What you want is not important"  That included school marriage career college everything.

That is the level of impulsiveness and manipulative crap that I had to grow up with.

No one here on this forum would blame me for having nothing to do with an abusive father.

And I have tried about everything to get him to stop asking me about work and pestering me about work. I have even used the F WORD several times because I know he hates that, and he still comes back like he never heard a word I said.

[super dalit]

I want to answer Clear Mind (I love that name)   I still get angry when he does this type of behavior. 

How angry?  I announced after the phone call that the trip to Texas (which was my wife's idea to allow the kids to see their grandparents) Is OFF!

Just like that

I will admit freely that I still have some anger and rage issues towards this man that I have not fully resolved.

I have however accepted the fact that I will never have his approval in life, and that I would be worse off trying to seek it.

My father lives wiht an all or nothing mentality.  And in this mentality, I am and always will be, in his mind , a total failure, or "bum" as he likes to call me.  He wanted me to study engineering, something I lack the math skills to do. SO since I did not get a degree in engineering, I was told by him "You'll never amount to anything"  oh  and "Your just doing that because you hate me"

Suppose I had become an engineer?  Had I not been the top of some governement of business sector, I still would have been a failure.  Nothing I would have done would not have been good enough, in fact, We have since surmised that the whole engineering thing was only the beginning of what he had probably planned out for my entire life and  never got a chance to tell me because I did not play along.

In his mind, if I am anything short of the president, then I am a failure, and if I am not better than Abe Lincoln or George Washington, then I am still a failure.

I got accepted into medical school and had to turn it down because the school was in the same town as where he lived. I had to get away from him that badly.  Had I graduate, I would have been a failure  had I been anything short of the Surgeon general anyway.  That is his all or nothing thinking. No compliments, just criticism. And the lack of slef esteem, which I struggled with for years.  Which is why I will not subject myself to his crap now, I have  enough self esteem somehow to say NO and follow what is in my best interests. That is  to take care of myself even if he would try to tell me that I am selfish for doing so.

SO the barrier itself about talking about work, no he does not get it.  I have to repeat it to him all the time. And he still does not get it, or does not want to get it.   and yes it does make me angry, but at the sametime, I wish I could forget. IF  I could do anything , it would be to just put him completely out of my mind, purge the memory of him from my conscience and live with no battle over the anger he causes which seems to be whenever we talk. I hope this answers your question, I appreciate your concern and I am open to any and all suggestions here. THANK YOU

[Clearmind]

I will admit freely that I still have some anger and rage issues towards this man that I have not fully resolved.

Acknowledging is 90% of the battle won!

For me, and my father is uBPD – I often ask myself

What is my responsibility?

What is his to own?

Means that I need to relinquish the control I feel over my father’s actions/behaviors. The reason why I feel the need to control stems from my need to squish my emotions because they feel so uncomfortable. Once we begin to learn new ways of coping with our emotions (which are valid by the way) – healthy ways and understand the primary emotions thoughts behind emotions like anger/rage, it frees up some head space to work how to remain centred, present and happy.

The primary emotions are usually feelings of rejection, feeling inadequate, not good enough, lack self worth.

Adult children of BPD parents often place personal value on themselves by what they “do” – its similar to opening up your resume and reading it to anyone who will listen.

To manage our anger/rage outward at our parent – it helps to redefine how you see yourself. You are more than what is written on your resume!

I have however accepted the fact that I will never have his approval in life, and that I would be worse off trying to seek it.

It’s a work in progress super dalit – it’s possible you have not fully accepted you.

Al

Which is why I will not subject myself to his crap now, I have  enough self esteem somehow to say NO and follow what is in my best interests. That is  to take care of myself even if he would try to tell me that I am selfish for doing so.

SO the barrier itself about talking about work, no he does not get it.  I have to repeat it to him all the time. And he still does not get it, or does not want to get it.   and yes it does make me angry, but at the sametime, I wish I could forget. IF  I could do anything , it would be to just put him completely out of my mind, purge the memory of him from my conscience and live with no battle over the anger he causes which seems to be whenever we talk. I hope this answers your question, I appreciate your concern and I am open to any and all suggestions here. THANK YOU

Hugs!

Boundaries are good – I understand not wanting to talk to him about your work – I do the same with my father.

To me, it sounds like you maybe work through some of your own self acceptance. In theory, we can accept it however each time our parent hits that red button (our trigger) we flare up.

There are ways to help you manage your triggers. We know intellectually our parent is not healthy, yet their projections can still bite.

TOOLS: Ease your pain by reframing your thoughts

Triggering and Mindfulness and Wise Mind