Her taste in men changed over the years

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It's kind of interesting, to me... .  


Several years ago? Stable, mature, corporate-type guys, pretty clean-cut, always older than her... .  & even a couple already-married ones.

But, it never worked out... . they ended running from her, as they knew better (unfortunately, I stuck around a little too long & went too deep for my own sanity, both times).


Since then, she had been going with the non-corporate ones, less stable, druggies/alcoholics, tattooed/pierced -- and most telling of all, a few years younger than her.


Since the 1st group basically figured something was "off," caught onto her ways & shunned her, I believe she went on to easier "targets." She has more control this way. It's easier for her to run the show. This type of younger guys are, for her, more manageable. She's more "experienced" now & has more "wrangling skills." Plus, she gets to party with this crowd.


How does this help me detach? By seeing her "evolve" over time, it helped me to gain more clarity on how she & her BPD operated -- and reminded me to STAY AWAY!


Anyway, I know there are all sorts of different situations here on this board (marriages/divorces, long-term relationships, short-term recycled relationships, etc.), so it might not apply to you... .  

But has anyone seen something similar at play, when it comes to the pwBPD's choice of partners?

[delgato]

It's kind of interesting, to me... .  


Several years ago? Stable, mature, corporate-type guys, pretty clean-cut, always older than her... .  & even a couple already-married ones.

But, it never worked out... . they ended running from her, as they knew better (unfortunately, I stuck around a little too long & went too deep for my own sanity, both times).


Since then, she had been going with the non-corporate ones, less stable, druggies/alcoholics, tattooed/pierced -- and most telling of all, a few years younger than her.


Since the 1st group basically figured something was "off," caught onto her ways & shunned her, I believe she went on to easier "targets." She has more control this way. It's easier for her to run the show. This type of younger guys are, for her, more manageable. She's more "experienced" now & has more "wrangling skills." Plus, she gets to party with this crowd.


How does this help me detach? By seeing her "evolve" over time, it helped me to gain more clarity on how she & her BPD operated -- and reminded me to STAY AWAY!


Anyway, I know there are all sorts of different situations here on this board (marriages/divorces, long-term relationships, short-term recycled relationships, etc.), so it might not apply to you... .  

But has anyone seen something similar at play, when it comes to the pwBPD's choice of partners?

[Siamese Rescue]

Yes, he used to want smart women who were sophisticated, accomplished, classy, established, mature, normal.

Now he wants giggly bimbos with large implants and bleached hair.

Guess which group I'm in.

[delgato]

Yes, he used to want smart women who were sophisticated, accomplished, classy, established, mature, normal.

Now he wants giggly bimbos with large implants and bleached hair.

Guess which group I'm in.

LOL!

Ain't it awesome once you start getting some distance & clarity from it all? And how your confidence & old self starts returning?

[Siamese Rescue]

Yes, perhaps it's my bitterness, outright anger about the whole situation.  I think in a round about way, the karma of the universe is returning us to our respective populations.  There was a time when he appreciated someone who was different, impossible to categorize, versatile, educated, compassionate, clean, witty, cultured. 

Now? He feels the need to be accepted into a new group of guys, all of whom have their numbered skanks.  It's as if they're all dating clones. Platform shoes, silicone breasts, acrylic nails, acrylic face, fried hair, spray tanned a lovely shade of cheeto, driving cars owned by their parents because they have no credit... .  cheering each other on on Facebook with comments like, "hey girlie you look GORG!"

Meanwhile I don't know if I hate myself for taking time to look at this crap on facebook or because I miss him and want him to abandon his new tribe of meat heads and their spinner girls... .  

The reality, when you say it out loud is rather clear. I'm the one who needs to change my priorities.

[theboro504]

The reality, when you say it out loud is rather clear. I'm the one who needs to change my priorities.

Exactly, for all of us most likely.

Just my thoughts, but I suspect we value their opinions of us so much because if they were to reverse course, for us, then we have value, we are set apart and able to win over the un-winable. It's a lie. The reality is, it doesn't prove much good of us if they DO want us. Sticking to my convictions, morals and beliefs will leave me alone many times; but I have to keep believing that someday, the opposite will be true.

Mine even had a list of the type man she wanted, she even told me I was the man of "the list" and now on her dating profile states the same stuff she "wants". This isn't a boast, just a fact; she had it. She tossed it away and is now on a man hunt online and I have no idea what happened to the one she dumped me for.

I suspect we all really do need to come to a place where instead of believing our preconceptions of who they were, or could have been; start believing they are who they are and KNOW we are better off and their "love" wouldn't have proved a thing about who we are.

[delgato]

I think in a round about way, the karma of the universe is returning us to our respective populations.

Excellent way of looking at things. I never really thought of it that way before.

Meanwhile I don't know if I hate myself for taking time to look at this crap on facebook or because I miss him and want him to abandon his new tribe of meat heads and their spinner girls... .  

I know it's tempting to look on Facebook, as I've done it before in the past... . But really, there's no point in it. We're only hindering ourselves. And just as they've done in the real world, the online arena of social networking is just another extension for them to play out their chaotic BPD lives. At least to some degree, they're aware of this, and will try to use it to their full "advantage."

As for them downgrading, it could be viewed as another chance for a non to "rescue" them. I'm not going to try to save them. The company they keep & the lives they lead are none of our business.

The reality, when you say it out loud is rather clear. I'm the one who needs to change my priorities.

Yep. Onward & upward!

[lhd981]

I was 30 and she was 24 when we met. I'm a consummate professional and entrepreneur in the technology field, but I have long hair as an homage to my musical "rocker" roots (no tattoos or piercings, and I do look spiffy in a suit ). It's a bit of eccentricity that carried over from my youth.

Imagine my surprise when she told me she was an accountant, not to mention her tongue and nose piercings (and several others that I'd find out about later). Since we met at a rock concert, I figured we were both "eccentric rocker" professionals, something which I really like in my partners.

While I had dated women at "my level" (that's not meant to sound snobbish; I mean level of education, maturity, life experience, etc); imagine my surprise, again, when I saw that virtually all of the guys she dated were deadbeats. On top of that - and I covered this in another thread - she was fairly small/petite and was serious about going to the gym several times a week and eating well, yet most of the guys from her past were enormous. While I'm a big guy myself, quite a few of her exes were even bigger than me. A number of them also kept in touch with her and flirted with her fairly regularly. I'd suspect this was due to a certain level of not just admiration from her partner, but outright control that she wanted to exert over them. She once told me about her previous ex and how he accused her of "wanting to be treated like a princess". Red flag much? Hindsight is 20/20... .