Seeking a second opinion

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi All,

It's been awhile since my last post, and I need a little help figuring something out.

My uBPDm and endad live across the country from me, and I typically only have sporadic email, text, or phone contact. Last year, I found a great therapist and had sessions with her every week for about four months, and it helped immensely.

Last week, my grandmother (on my father's side) passed away. I planned to fly in with my bf to help with arrangements and be there for my granddad and dad. My parents were fine with that... .  but they didn't want my boyfriend to come. When asked why, I was given the explanation that it would be "socially awkward" to introduce him to my granddad (they haven't met as of yet.)

My bf and I been together since college, spent holidays with each other's families, etc. His family has been more than welcoming and loving, treat me like the daughter, and has basically said that should a similar situation come to pass, I would be more than welcome to attend and be there to support my partner.

And that was what my partner wanted to do, too - be there for emotional support, help with practical things, and help take the edge off of my family, and I'll admit I probably would have needed it.

I suspect that this "socially awkward" explanation was really an excuse to avoid conflict. My uBPDm doesn't like my partner, for literally no good reason other than the fact he is not HER ideal of a man.  My endad likes him, but not enough to contend with my mom over. I think he wanted to spare himself a headache.

My bf was a bit offended, and so was I. I ended up visiting my grandfather later in the week after my parents had left. I decided that the environment would be too toxic to deal with, otherwise, and that I was going to make plans on my own terms and also remain firmly in my partner's corner.  

But the whole affair left me wondering - WAS I being selfish or inappropriate in wanting my partner to come?  My gut is telling me no, it was reasonable desire, but having both my parents gang up on me unpleasantly flashed me back to childhood. Because of the warped ways I was raised to view my own wants and needs, I have this little worm of doubt in that gut.  It also made me feel abandoned by my endad all over again.

I think I made the right call, but I sure could use a second (or third, or fourth) opinion.

[Tygeress]

Hi All,

It's been awhile since my last post, and I need a little help figuring something out.

My uBPDm and endad live across the country from me, and I typically only have sporadic email, text, or phone contact. Last year, I found a great therapist and had sessions with her every week for about four months, and it helped immensely.

Last week, my grandmother (on my father's side) passed away. I planned to fly in with my bf to help with arrangements and be there for my granddad and dad. My parents were fine with that... .  but they didn't want my boyfriend to come. When asked why, I was given the explanation that it would be "socially awkward" to introduce him to my granddad (they haven't met as of yet.)

My bf and I been together since college, spent holidays with each other's families, etc. His family has been more than welcoming and loving, treat me like the daughter, and has basically said that should a similar situation come to pass, I would be more than welcome to attend and be there to support my partner.

And that was what my partner wanted to do, too - be there for emotional support, help with practical things, and help take the edge off of my family, and I'll admit I probably would have needed it.

I suspect that this "socially awkward" explanation was really an excuse to avoid conflict. My uBPDm doesn't like my partner, for literally no good reason other than the fact he is not HER ideal of a man.  My endad likes him, but not enough to contend with my mom over. I think he wanted to spare himself a headache.

My bf was a bit offended, and so was I. I ended up visiting my grandfather later in the week after my parents had left. I decided that the environment would be too toxic to deal with, otherwise, and that I was going to make plans on my own terms and also remain firmly in my partner's corner.  

But the whole affair left me wondering - WAS I being selfish or inappropriate in wanting my partner to come?  My gut is telling me no, it was reasonable desire, but having both my parents gang up on me unpleasantly flashed me back to childhood. Because of the warped ways I was raised to view my own wants and needs, I have this little worm of doubt in that gut.  It also made me feel abandoned by my endad all over again.

I think I made the right call, but I sure could use a second (or third, or fourth) opinion.

[cleotokos]

Hi Tygeress, I don't see anything wrong in your story, I would expect my significant other to be there for me as well in such a situation. The only possibility I can think of, would your grandfather have issues that you and your bf aren't married? You know how some older people are. I didn't get that sense from what you wrote, but that's the only possible thing I can think of!

[XL]

My partner didn't fly out for similar events, by my own choosing (mostly financial). However, I have had cousins bring new partners to funerals, and none of the normal family found that to be weird or offensive. Times of death cause weird reactions even in stable people, and I tend to brush off those interactions a little more.

Though I will say my family has weird ideas about who is and isn't family. For a while no partners were invited to thanksgiving. My mother has a very skewed, almost siege mentality about who is and isn't family. I see it as a panicked way of keeping her fictional nuclear family intact, and I don't appreciate it.

I think they're being a little weird, but it sounds like you found a decent compromise. If this behavior (the denial of your bf) continues throughout the year, you might need to establish a boundary.

[rescuenomore]

I don't think it selfish or inappropriate to want your boyfriend there.  Your grandmother just passed away and whilst you are supporting your grandfather, you are also grieving so why shouldn't you have the support of your significant other.  He is part of your family whether your parents like it or not.

[Tygeress]

Thank you for your responses, that helped clear things up!

As for my grandparents, they are quiet liberal in their beliefs and they had no issue with my significant other and myself not being married.

So irritating! Until earlier this year, my UBPDm had tried to smear my SO and drive a wedge between us. I finally reached my breaking point and ended up in quite the shouting match and basically went NC for awhile. Since then she has tried buying back my good favor with gifts (I included a souvenir T-shirt for your boyfriend, see I'm such a good mom? SEE? SEE?) - and now this!

Really, I honestly don't know what I expected.

[cleotokos]

Until earlier this year, my UBPDm had tried to smear my SO and drive a wedge between us. I finally reached my breaking point and ended up in quite the shouting match and basically went NC for awhile. Since then she has tried buying back my good favor with gifts (I included a souvenir T-shirt for your boyfriend, see I'm such a good mom? SEE? SEE?) - and now this!

Tygeress, it seems to be a theme on this board that BPD parents have issues with our SO's. My uBPD mom is similar, although she's taken a fairly minor incident and used it as an excuse to target her mild hatred and negative comments about my SO. I wonder if it's because they represent a competition for our attention, or if BPD's fear they will lose control over us to our SO's?

[Clearmind]

Tygeress, we are now adults and what comes along with that are adult privileges - which means - you get to choose what is best for you! Even when its a funeral.

You were required to comply as a child because there were consequences. There are no consequences as an adult - no one has the right to control you without your permission

Let other people own their projections - rise above it by doing what you feel is best for you - guilt free.

Maybe work through your feelings of needing to comply to please others.

And I am sorry to hear about your grandmother  This is a time for you to process your grief not just your parents.

[GeekyGirl]

I'm sorry for your loss, Tygeress. 

But the whole affair left me wondering - WAS I being selfish or inappropriate in wanting my partner to come?  My gut is telling me no, it was reasonable desire, but having both my parents gang up on me unpleasantly flashed me back to childhood. Because of the warped ways I was raised to view my own wants and needs, I have this little worm of doubt in that gut.  It also made me feel abandoned by my endad all over again.

You weren't selfish to want your partner there. You're mourning, and it's normal to want to be in supportive, loving company while you mourn. It sounds like your partner is a big part of your life, and it hurt to have your parents ask you to not bring him, especially when you expressed that you wanted him there. Just as your parents should mourn in a way that's appropriate for them, you should mourn in the way (and with the people) that feels right to you.

[beatnik chick]

my ubp sister has insisted that my mother not invite people who are important in mom's life to many different events because it is "inappropriate"  ie:  she doesn't like them.  my sister has also insisted that she bring her friends/acquaintances to family gatherings, regardless of the circumstances.

you are not selfish.  not at all.  my heart goes out to you & your endad.