I'm Not the Same Without You

[nolisan]

Wow - coming up on 7 months N/C. At the six month mark "strong craziness" emerged but that has passed. I see similarities to my recovery from drugs and alcohol - milestones / chip days at 1, 3, 6, 9 months in early recovery are risky times.

The relationship was very much like my days in cocaine addiction. It was good when I had it ... .  terrible when I didn't. I have abandonment issues (core stuff from my childhood) and when she would "split" psychologically (love to hate in a nano second) and then physically (leave) it was like running out of cocaine but even more painful. Then I would go into "getting her back" mode ... .  like calling the dealer. Then she would reappear and "All would be well" ... .  until she would split again. This was a weekly to monthly cycle. I lost 25lbs over a year ... .  my soul felt like it went through the wringer ... .  all the juice was being squeezed out.

So today I am a grateful recovering addict, alcoholic AND BPD sex and love addict. Why am I grateful on all these recovery fronts? Because recovery has led me to understanding and loving myself more fully. I am finally growing up (at 57 yo ). I am perfectly imperfect.

She was my teacher. "When the student is ready the teacher will appear". She did and then left ... .  I learned that I can not be in a r/s with a person with a serious mental illness (or addiction). I have a "rescueing" tendency but I cannot love someone back to mental healthyness ... .  it is impossible. In the attempt I abandoned myself (especially my inner child) ... .  I will never do that again. If it happens, my next relationship needs to be inter-dependent ... .  not codependent.  I am giving myself a good year before considering this. I am enjoying casual dating and have met some lovely women. I am open about my need for healing.

Last night I stumbled apon this new song by Donald Fagan. It really speaks to me and I hope it speaks to you.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=HDqpPsER3h0

I still have a lingering love for cocaine, booze and my exBPD but ... .  I can NEVER have them in my house ever again.

[maria1]

Hey there Nolisan 

Good for you on all fronts.

This is hard, hard work and it looks to me as though you are doing amazingly well to see your addictions for what they are and recognise you need them out of your life completely.

Good luck in your continued journey and healing. Your new life is beginning

[nolisan]

Clean from crack cocaine for 8 years - withdrawal ... .  piece of cake

Sober 4.5 years - withdrawal ... .  easy

BPD Free almost 7 months - withdrawal ... .  brutal

The sex / love addiction and "betrayal bond" that developed was the most powerful "drug" I have ever touched ... .  

[maria1]

I think it's something to do with the dopamine receptors. There's a physical reaction that happens when we see them. I don't understand it but its there. I think there are different types if addicts, I mean some people can't drink or do drugs because they have to keep going until the bottles empty or the bags all used up.

I think these are true addicts and the road for them is much, much harder. I had similar feelings of withdrawal but managed better somehow, I've skirted on the edges of addiction but never got deep into any of it. Apart from cigarettes and even with them I managed the off one for years without starting again.

See if you can find Russell brands bbc4 programme on addiction- if you've not seen it. It's fascinating. I kept thinking of how it applies to addictions to people.

[chuckstrong]

Wow.

Its so freaking true... .  after she's put me thru unadulterated h*** for 8 months and countless horrific agony I am addicted in the worst way... .  we have been mostly NC  (sans one small text exchange when I saw her on the road and after she emailed me " move on" I am seeing someone" "Is that what you wanted to hear?" " Please do not contact me again" 3 weeks ago just minutes ago she emailed me a silly pic of me and her hugging/kissing saying " I hope you don't mind me sending this but it made me laugh"  WHAT? The sick part is i've done cocaine weed booze and NEVER got addicted but this is sick... .  despite it all I feel euphoric she sent that pic/email and I want to respond in a loving fashion so bad... .  HELP ! this IS Crazzzzzzy! So, Nolisan I know EXACTLY what you mean!

Chuck

[lhd981]

This was *very* eye-opening to read. First of all, huge props on overcoming your addictions!

One of my oldest clients runs several addiction recovery centers. We had recently been discussing my 11 months of NC with my BPD exgf and he pretty bluntly called it an addiction on my part. It's absolutely bizarre to think about in this context; I've never tried any drugs other than pot (a handful of times) and painkillers (legitimate prescription) and they did very little for me. Drinking - even to the point of getting drunk - is also a novelty for me, and something I do very infrequently. While my halcyon college days were full of partying and fun, but not much in terms of drugs or drinking. Heck, I prided myself so much in having a non-addictive personality... .  

I dated two BPDs pretty much back to back (an 8th month break in between) - both did wonders for my dopamine levels, but despite their common symptoms and illnesses, what each provided for me in terms of that loving "high" was night and day. The first one lasted about a year. The loving feelings culminated quickly and after a few months, she moved in with me. Things quickly took a turn for the worst with every stereotypical BPD behavior being hurled at me. The jealousy, in particular, and lack of trust were particularly harmful; but I also noticed that she had a very blatant guard about her, as if she was never quite "being herself" - this was enough to shake me out of my dopamine-induced "daze" and I was able to end things quite quickly (and some might say bluntly). But when it was done, it was DONE - even with all her attempts at recycling, NC was very cut and dry with her and I didn't feel any longing feelings past a few days or so.

My recent exgf is a whole other story. She was fundamentally "broken" in such a way that I felt like I could "love her into being better". When she raged and acted utterly crazy - for lack of a better word - it was an absolute nightmare, like something from a movie; but those highs were so worth it and I readily admit that. Unlike my previous BPD exgf, when she "gave herself" to me, it really felt like every ounce of her existence was being directed towards me and showing this pure, unadulterated love and admiration. She seemed so sweet, bubbly and quirky - always with a massive grin on her face; the level of love and attention she seemed to give was almost more than my dopamine receptors could handle. Of course, when I reciprocated it it, the feeling was only magnified.

Looking back on it, especially at the times that I particularly miss her (or at least miss things about her), I keep coming back to the times when we'd be laying in bed, her thinking I was asleep and completely enveloping me with her body (no small feat as she was half my size) and whispering "I love you". This was my hit. Despite having gotten to a MUCH healthier place today, and despite not obsessively longing for this anymore; there are times when my soul just hits rock bottom and I begin to wonder "what if... .  ".

[maria1]

This ted talk was enlightening for me. I realised I was addicted to behaviours although never substances. I was addicted to losing my self in love and even did it when not in a relationship, through daydreaming and hoping for the next relationship, addicted to hope instead of facing my pain.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=66cYcSak6nE&sns=em