Push/Pull? Help me understand this behavior. It's making me have a breakdown

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have the average story of the typical BPD relationship. I had an awesome honeymoon period that lasted 4 months. My boyfriend never left my side. Then, out of the blue, not long after I met his mother, he said, "I know this may sound harsh, but I have no feelings for you anymore." This came completely out of nowhere.

I pushed back, trying to make time. I had to find out what was happening. When I did, I delved in to a world of angry rages, times where he would dissapear, and what seemed to be psychotic behavior.

Our entire honeymoon period, my boyfriend said he wanted to spend his life with me. He often said, "i cant believe i moved half way across the country and found you(hes from california. I'm from Alabama.)

He talked about living together, having kids, etc, etc... .

Well, when his rages started, he would say he hated me. He would say, "you're not the man for me. Our relationship is toxic." Then he would literally call me the next day and tell me he loved me. About a month ago he called me at 2am, "I love you. I'm sorry for the way I have acted. I want to spend my life with you." I showed up at his house that night at 9pm. He refused to unlock the door, he said, "this is sad. why are you here? I have no feelings for you. Do I have to call the police?

When that happened I said ENOUGH! I didn't contact him for 4 days. The 5th day he showed up at my job. He said, "why havn't you come looking for me?" Then He begged to have lunch with me. He had lunch with me. He held my hand. He said, "i cant wait to spend the summer with you. I love you." He looked deep in to my eyes with a truthful looking gaze. That night he begged to come to my house. He laid in my bed. He repeated the old lines, "I love you. I want to be with you, etc."

HE WOKE UP THE NEXT MORNING. HE ROLLED OVER. HE SAID, "I HATE YOU." He then stormed out of my house

A bunch of stuff happened after that. Basically similiar things happened. He would rage, then dissapear, rage, then dissapear. He had an extinction outburst on me April 8th where he called me every name in the book. I didnt hear from him for a couple weeks... . then... .

On April 21st he contacted me. He begged to come to my house. When he did, he said, You're everything I've looked for in a man. I can't believe i found you... . but I am scared... .

He was nice to me for 3 days after that... . but then... . he cut off contact again.

What exactly is happening here? It's driving me absolutely mad.

[Rocknut]

I have the average story of the typical BPD relationship. I had an awesome honeymoon period that lasted 4 months. My boyfriend never left my side. Then, out of the blue, not long after I met his mother, he said, "I know this may sound harsh, but I have no feelings for you anymore." This came completely out of nowhere.

I pushed back, trying to make time. I had to find out what was happening. When I did, I delved in to a world of angry rages, times where he would dissapear, and what seemed to be psychotic behavior.

Our entire honeymoon period, my boyfriend said he wanted to spend his life with me. He often said, "i cant believe i moved half way across the country and found you(hes from california. I'm from Alabama.)

He talked about living together, having kids, etc, etc... .

Well, when his rages started, he would say he hated me. He would say, "you're not the man for me. Our relationship is toxic." Then he would literally call me the next day and tell me he loved me. About a month ago he called me at 2am, "I love you. I'm sorry for the way I have acted. I want to spend my life with you." I showed up at his house that night at 9pm. He refused to unlock the door, he said, "this is sad. why are you here? I have no feelings for you. Do I have to call the police?

When that happened I said ENOUGH! I didn't contact him for 4 days. The 5th day he showed up at my job. He said, "why havn't you come looking for me?" Then He begged to have lunch with me. He had lunch with me. He held my hand. He said, "i cant wait to spend the summer with you. I love you." He looked deep in to my eyes with a truthful looking gaze. That night he begged to come to my house. He laid in my bed. He repeated the old lines, "I love you. I want to be with you, etc."

HE WOKE UP THE NEXT MORNING. HE ROLLED OVER. HE SAID, "I HATE YOU." He then stormed out of my house

A bunch of stuff happened after that. Basically similiar things happened. He would rage, then dissapear, rage, then dissapear. He had an extinction outburst on me April 8th where he called me every name in the book. I didnt hear from him for a couple weeks... . then... .

On April 21st he contacted me. He begged to come to my house. When he did, he said, You're everything I've looked for in a man. I can't believe i found you... . but I am scared... .

He was nice to me for 3 days after that... . but then... . he cut off contact again.

What exactly is happening here? It's driving me absolutely mad.

[Clearmind]

He has very deep fears of abandonment, intimacy and engulfment - which cause conflicting feelings. This is how it is for him.

How it is for you - is confusing! I get it Rocknut. What we really need to work on is finding the reasons why we feel we are to blame for the behaviour.

What can you do for him? There is little you can do - he is mentally ill - BPD is not about taking a pill and all will be perfect - BPD is a disorder of the personality.

What can you do for yourself? Find that part of you that believes you deserve a man who is unable to provide you with unconditional love, find that part of you that believes you deserve to be raged at, find that part of you that feels you had a perfect r/s.

He will push/pull because he fears himself, he fears shame, he fears feeling trapped/engulfed and at the same time fears you will leave - grab yourself a book called "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" - educated yourself on BPD and then begin to work on why you were attracted to dysfunction.

All the best to you Rocknut and continue to heal.

[Rocknut]

Here's the thing. Are BPDs concious that they have a problem? He actually said to me one time, "I think something is wrong with me brain." He said that the night he came before my house. Then he rolled over 6 hours later and said, "I hate you." He also has a severely confused look on his face when he acts his most negative... . It's almost like he has no clue where he is at, who I am, or what he is doing. Also, does he truly love me somewhere deep down? That part bugs me.

[Clearmind]

He loves the best way he can. Conscious of his issues - possibly. Able to rectify them without some therapy - possibly not.

You are a trigger - any close relationship will trigger his fears.

If it bugs you Rocknut then clearly his behaviour does not sit well with you - this must be your body trying to tell you something!

[turtle]

Here's the thing. Are BPDs concious that they have a problem? He actually said to me one time, "I think something is wrong with me brain." He said that the night he came before my house. Then he rolled over 6 hours later and said, "I hate you." He also has a severely confused look on his face when he acts his most negative... . It's almost like he has no clue where he is at, who I am, or what he is doing. Also, does he truly love me somewhere deep down? That part bugs me.

I can't speak for all people wBPD, but crazyx would have brief moments (very brief,) where he would ALMOST acknowledge that something was wrong with him.  These moments were far and few between and I put WAY too much stock in them. I would hang onto those little snippets of near admission like it was a winning lottery ticket. Those snippets of near admission meant EVERYTHING to me and NOTHING to him.

The push/pull is part of the deal.  Sadly, there's no explanation to make it feel better for you.  It sucks and they are the masters at it.

The only way it got better for me was to stop participating.  Not sure if that's the road you want to take, but for me it was the only way I could get on with my life and stop being caught up in his tornadoes of emotion.

turtle

[Carri1]

N/C 1 Year here!  Yayyy me!  I talked to my Dr about the craziness and BPD... .  I said "I thought I was going CRAZY."  He looked at me and said "It has happened to people in BPD relationships!"  I do believe it.  I'm wondering about him using you for sex.  Don't be used.  He probably will never get normal.  Find someone who really loves and respects you... .  you deserve better.  They have no empathy for any of their actions EVER!  I have been in T for a few years... .  and on 2 meds... .  they are soo charming at first until the beast comes out.  R U N!  No kidding... .  R U N!  You won't regret it!  I promise!