Where are you with detaching?

[seeking balance]

Hey Leaving Board,

A common theme here is when we really get some space... .  it starts to hurt and for some reason we tend to want to actually contact the cause of that hurt!

I know I did - isn't it crazy to think about it logically - wanting to contact the cause of our pain to alleviate our pain!

For me, I found that when I pushed through the pain - it did get easier.  In those dark moments, I wasn't so sure... .  but I figured if I couldn't quite trust myself, maybe I should trust the folks here who seemed like they knew what the were talking about.

I remember one time posting here because I contacted ex because I wanted to see the dog... .  I felt guilty, shameful and pathetic... .  yet, I did it anyways.  The people here told me to let it go - do better next time.  And I did.

Getting to no contact can be a process for some of us.

At what point did you realize "enough is enough - I would rather sit in my own pain than look to ex for relief".

Are you at that point yet?

[turtle]

I have been detached for a VERY long time.

There's is not a snowball's chance in he! I would ever reach out to my ex for ANY kind of comfort.  In fact... .  having all of that so far in my rearview mirror, makes the idea just seem ludicrous to me now.

I don't remember what the exact moment was when I'd had enough. God knows, there were so many incidents to pick from and ALL of them should have been the end, but they weren't.

When the final time came, it wasn't even memorable because it occurred out of my own self growth.  It didn't happen because of an "episode" or an "event," it was just one foot in front of the other... .  day after day... .  until one day... .  one GLORIOUS day... .  I knew HE (and all of his chaos) was never going to be a part of my life again. It wasn't because of anything HE did (as in a last straw moment,) it was because of who I had become.

That was HUGE for me because it was no longer about HIM and all of his shenanigans... .  it was about ME and my own growth.  Somewhere along the line, I became a person who valued myself enough not to be treated so poorly.  Not by him... .  not by anyone.

And that... .  is peace.  I will NEVER give that away again.

turtle

[fromheeltoheal]

After 8 months NC I was doing pretty well, not thinking about her much, and much more focused on my own growth, graduating to the Building and Inventory boards.  Than I got an email, first communication in 8 months, and silly me, I read it.  Then deleted it and did not respond, although a whole lot of feelings came up again, and here I am back at the leaving board, because it feels better right now.  This detachment and growth doesn't need to be linear, and it is what it is; at least that email caused a renewed vigor in my 'recovery'.

[Hurt llama]

That's encouraging to hear Turtle! Good for you. I'm there on paper but in reality, I have some weak spots... .  I can't do more or work harder at re-ordering my memories and thoughts and I am stronger than ever, yet if she knew even a very few words to say, I would be doomed. I know it.

She could never trick or fool me though. She might be able to get me to see her but that's a long shot. I know it sounds ridiculous but I think there's a good chance this dump is going to stick... . But it won't stick forever. I think I pushed her hard enough to go find someone else and as I know it can't work out, with the right victim it can linger... . If I return in her life, he is out and I am in... . until I don't commit to her as she undoubtedly sells herself to me, which isn't gonna work.

I am a very strong person in many ways. I can't be fooled in the end but I can probably force myself to inject the heroin again... . But I hope not.

I can't do more... . i write and post and think about the process constantly.

I have projects, interests, friends, things to do but it's hard to concentrate. It's even hard to leave my apartment.

I find it  helpful to try to help others as it seems to be helping me too.

Great thread and your posts are extremely helpful and spot on. It's appreciated.

[findingmyselfagain]

I'm just a few months from a  year of NC. Quite proud of myself. I used to feel very guilty and feel like I needed to be there for her or that she needed some comfort. Over time I've seen that the dynamic has very little to do with my actual actions or feelings. I've read her blog several times and found the chaos to be her norm, even once or twice recently, but instead of wondering how she's doing and wanting to reach out to her. Guilt was my hook. I think things like that, "There's no way I'd ever want to go back to that again." "I don't even know who she is." "I need to get on with my own life." It's been almost 3 years since the official break-up. I'm in a much better place than I was then. I'm successfully dating. Though I'm not used to swimming in healthier waters, I'm putting myself out there and letting the chips fall where they may. I've learned a lot more about myself, who I am, and what I need and works best for me. I trust myself to make the right decisions and to be able to handle a serious relationship. I wouldn't wish the borderline experience on anyone, but I needed the lesson.

[Blessed0329]

My ex did something last November that hurt me very deeply. At that point, I decided I was done. I focused on my anger and hurt for quite a while. Then, the week of Christmas, he began posting things on my FB page. Although I was still upset, I viewed this as an attempt to make amends with me. I responded politely to those posts. He disappeared for a few weeks, so I sent him an email mid-January which was sort of an olive branch. I gave him my new contact info and invited him to drop by my new workplace. His response was prompt and friendly, but vague. I waited and waited, then 7 weeks later (and many FB status updates that were directed at me) I decided I was not going to play these games anymore with him, and deleted him from FB.

I wish I had held my ground in November, because all this did was to delay the healing for me. It reminds me a lot like when I quit smoking after 30 years. It was very painful, and I went back a few times, filled with shame. Smoking was something that I loathed, but I was very addicted. Even now, 4 years later, I will get a craving to smoke again, and I just have to find something else to do until the urge passes. When I get the urge to contact my ex, I remind myself that, for me, this is another addiction, and I have to let it pass.

[Mightyhammers]

She broke up with me so that’s how it ended, I only read up on BPD after we had split, if she hadn’t have done this we would probably still be together. Its been almost 2 months now since we’ve had contact

[MontyD]

57 days now of no contact and feeling good !

Monty

[laelle]

About 6 weeks since my relationship ended.  I had spent the past 8 months here on the Staying board, so I would say my detaching was an ongoing work in progress.

I go back and forth really.  I have moments of complete clarity and I feel complete freedom, I also have moments where I wonder about him.  I wonder if everything that has been said here is true and that he is really not thinking about me.  Then I think, of course he thinks about you, you are awesome.  

I know that I cant go back.  There is no place for him now.  I cant keep rescuing him for him to desert me.  Its an unpleasant but all too true fact that I cant hide from.

If I had to take a guess I would say I am balancing between Processing / Creative Action.  

During bad moments i'm back to Acknowledgement, and the really good moments, Im free.  

Its baby steps, time and self reflection.

[costadelmar]

4 1/2 months since the relationship ended and 48 days of NC.  I went on my 1st real date two days ago I'm going to see her again for dinner tonight.  I couldn't help but think on the first date while we were talking that here's a woman who if things progress would actually care about me and is capeable of having real feelings of love toward me (not imagined).  Don't get me wrong I am on high alert watching and processesing everything she says to make sure I'm not engaging with another BPD.  It's sad that I have to do that but it's also necessary.  But it was a great 1st date and I'm looking forward to tonight.  I have and do think about my exBPDgf daily now as I only found out about BPD yesterday and I've been consumed with the message boards here.  It's difficult to comunicate this disorder to friends and family because they have no idea how to relate.  Anyway wish me luck on date #2 tonight!

[laelle]

I wish you lots of luck costadelmar.  Have a great evening.  Keeping my fingers crossed for you. 

[costadelmar]

4 1/2 months since the relationship ended and 48 days of NC.  I went on my 1st real date two days ago I'm going to see her again for dinner tonight.  I couldn't help but think on the first date while we were talking that here's a woman who if things progress would actually care about me and is capeable of having real feelings of love toward me (not imagined).  Don't get me wrong I am on high alert watching and processesing everything she says to make sure I'm not engaging with another BPD.  It's sad that I have to do that but it's also necessary.  But it was a great 1st date and I'm looking forward to tonight.  I have and do think about my exBPDgf daily now as I only found out about BPD yesterday and I've been consumed with the message boards here.  It's difficult to comunicate this disorder to friends and family because they have no idea how to relate.  Anyway wish me luck on date #2 tonight!

Correction found out about BPD Tuesday of last week knew it was Tuesday just mixed up the days

[theboro504]

I will still struggle a little with the good memories and the bones she threw me, but for the most part I am doing well with it. When I saw her online dating profiles, I was done. She can only email me or call me if she works at it and I'm fine with that and don't expect she will.

For me, I believe my silence has spoken more to her than any words I could have spoken and I have no reason to expect I would get any comfort from her now, and frankly, I don't need it. I actually get a sense of satisfaction still knowing I am the one man she has ever known that will not jump through her hoops. The last word she heard from me was goodbye and I intend to keep it that way. It has hurt, but has been worth it to grow back a set... .  

[hellnback]

I hope I just got ther tonight. I don't know how many times I've broken No Contact, but everytime I end up hurting. Tomorrow is going to be day 1 again. I'm tired of the pain.

"I know I did - isn't it crazy to think about it logically - wanting to contact the cause of our pain to alleviate our pain!"This was me and I hope to change that!

[Hurt llama]

I will still struggle a little with the good memories and the bones she threw me, but for the most part I am doing well with it. When I saw her online dating profiles, I was done. She can only email me or call me if she works at it and I'm fine with that and don't expect she will.

For me, I believe my silence has spoken more to her than any words I could have spoken and I have no reason to expect I would get any comfort from her now, and frankly, I don't need it. I actually get a sense of satisfaction still knowing I am the one man she has ever known that will not jump through her hoops. The last word she heard from me was goodbye and I intend to keep it that way. It has hurt, but has been worth it to grow back a set... .  

++ like it.

[costadelmar]

Just got home from my 2nd date and I'm happy to report it was fantastic.  We laughed told stories enjoyed each other's company.  After going through the BPD experience I'm convinced I'm dating a normal woman, well I say normal but she's origianlly from Bolivia went to college here in the states she is simply stunning.  I couldn't be happier but I'm going to take things slow I'm going to keep my newfound boundries in place.  I'm very much looking forward to our next date though, it was nice to hold her and kiss her before I walked her back to her car.

Happy!  Costa  

[Validation78]

Hi All!

I am going on 4 months of separation and very LC since the beginning, and that's been all the business of divorce. I like Laelle, had much time here, working on the relationship, getting myself in a good place to do what seemed almost impossible to avoid, knowing what BPD is, and how it was effecting me. Since my separation began, my stbxBPDh has gone from sweet to mean, to bully, to sweet. Hummmm, just like always. It's not going to change, I know this. Reaching out to him for support. No way. He wasn't supportive while we were together. I have learned from all of this who my friends are, , H is not amongst them.

The key for me has been making up my mind that the end really was the end. NC was the only way. I surround myself with love of friends and family. I pray, a lot. I know I do not have to do this alone. I read, a lot, about self improvement. I push myself to keep busy and allow myself quiet alone time when I feel like it. When I think about him being nice, I also think about him being not nice. The bad has always outweighed the good, so replacing the good memories with bad is easy. I repeat affirmations to assure myself that I am strong, this is the right decision, that my life is my own to live as I wish, and I have all the power to make it what I want. The days pass, getting easier and better with each sunset. We all have so much to live for, and deserve happiness, fulfillment, and healthy relationships.

Best Wishes,

Val78

[causticdork]

I'm still struggling with NC, which is weird because I'm not struggling with any desire to have her back or make things work.  I was the one who had enough.  I was the one who ended things.  I have not wavered on my refusal to give it another shot.  I really wanted to stay friends though.  We meant so much to each other for so long, and since she kept getting back in contact with me I kept trying to salvage that friendship side of it.

When I go NC she freaks out.  Calls and texts threatening self-harm and drug use.  When I broke up with her it was because she'd been lying to me since the day we met about being addicted to prescription pain-killers.  She'd also lied about having a job for four months after she got fired.  There were plenty of other things that were difficult, like the mood swings and the rages and the tendency to forget things that had just happened or tell me things happened that never did, but the lack of trust was why I knew we could never fix our relationship.  I have tried to do NC several times, but keep settling on LC because I keep letting her guilt me into responding.  Unfortunately, LC just seems to be an excuse for her to push whatever boundaries I set, so I think I might finally have to take the official NC plunge and stick with it.

We got into a huge fight last night over me not wanting to get back together, despite her desperate pleas for another chance. I remained calm for a long time, but eventually I realized that I was going to wind up having to go to work on no sleep and I started to get irritated that she saw nothing wrong with keeping me up all night on a work night because she wanted to fight. When she left she told me I'd never see her again and then swore at me a lot.  I swore back a little.  While I was getting ready for work she texted me that since I wanted her to be honest she felt like she should tell me she'd slept with someone else last week.  I told her that was fine, we broke up and she can sleep with whoever she wants.  She angrily texted back that she didn't need my permission, then said some other angry things and I haven't heard from her since.

So... .  I'm on about two-and-a-half hours of NC.  Hoping it sticks this time.   I'd say on a scale from 0-10 my level of emotional/romantic detachment is at an 8.  The problem is just that I keep ignoring my better judgement, and my ability to detach as her "rescuer" is hovering in the 4 to 5 range.  I'm working on it, but struggling pretty hard.

[delgato]

Usually pretty good & still getting better. NC for about 1.5 months, which had followed a period of NC going back to last year.

Been learning even more about BPD (probably too much), including from different angles such as reading insights from recovered/recovering pwBPD, & from those aware who are still in the midst of it (that latter group can get to me sometimes, & I have to stop).


Also been focusing a lot more on *myself* -- what is it about me that attracted pwBPD into my life (yes, there have been a few to varying degrees over the years), etc.


Unfortunately, had a bit of a temporary setback, and checked her Facebook last night (no, we are not Friends, & I can only see limited info). Threw my mind into that "shaky" place for a little afterwards.

However, it could also be viewed as a good thing, too, as it further reinforced that it is healthy for me to stay away & never go back to that... .  

From what I can gather, apparently she had triangulated two guys, then recycled with the former one (& is now trying to rub it into the other's face) -- that could have easily been me, had I not put a stop to it last year.

She had also de-friended her best friend.

I see nothing ever changes with her -- past, present & probably future.


Again, just goes to show what that life is like, & I do not care to go back into that vortex, with her or anybody else, ever again.

[cal644]

I've made huge strides since we split 6 months ago - and have days when I make tremendous progress - however this last weekend I was set back months.  Had a softball tourney for our daughter all weekend and while I was coaching 1st base she was texting her "friend" the whole weekend long.  She also confronted me a couple times projecting all her guilt onto me - saying how my daughter wanted to quit since I was so mean - how a friend came to the game to watch her niece and how that was my girlfriend who I'm sleeping with ().  Those three days set me back and I think it lit a fire under her - since then she tries to constantly bring up small issue or to try to start a fight - I think I have recovered a ton - because now I don't respond to those texts or play her childish games.

[theboro504]

Yesterday, the same day I wrote my speech here about how good I am doing, I got a little surprise. I stop by a store in my neighborhood, not anywhere near the ex's neighborhood and a place I felt very safe, the last place I'd expect to see her, but I did. I pulled in the parking lot from one end as she came in the other. We passed in the isle in the parking lot. Unbelievable! So, I drove right out the other side and went home. Then came back a few minutes later.

Looking back I figured out, she wasn't stopping by there for something from the store, she was meeting someone. She looked as if she was scanning the lot and then it dawned on me, she is not a parking spot hunter. She parks at the first available spot no matter how far away. She pulled all the way down the isle and turned to go up another.

If I live 100 years I will never be able to explain the bizarrenes of my life. The shear number of small timing issues to have made that moment come together are staggering. I almost stopped at a publix and for reasons I dont know, decided to go to this store instead. I stopped in the lot to let a man walk from a pizza place across the lot in front of me. I even left work a few minutes later and I drive 30 miles to get home.

Anyway, I have her phone and email blocked and I have to admit, I've been tempted to say something to her, but I haven't. She is oblivious to whats around her so she didn't even realize she just passed within 5 feet of me.

I will be glad when this nightmare ends.

[LoveNotWar]

 10 weeks ago my ex sent some sweet messages ( email)  and then attempted to "re-negotiate" our settlement agreement that we signed and the court approved. Of course the new deal favored him greatly.

Instead of trying to work with him I saw clearly that he was trying to manipulate and I said NO. No explanation, no negotiation, just no.

And that little epiphany sent me on my road to freedom... .   we're 9 months separated now, divorce is final and I am healing. At this point I know I would not go back!

[WillSurvive420]

That's encouraging to hear Turtle! Good for you. I'm there on paper but in reality, I have some weak spots... .  I can't do more or work harder at re-ordering my memories and thoughts and I am stronger than ever, yet if she knew even a very few words to say, I would be doomed. I know it.

She could never trick or fool me though. She might be able to get me to see her but that's a long shot. I know it sounds ridiculous but I think there's a good chance this dump is going to stick... . But it won't stick forever. I think I pushed her hard enough to go find someone else and as I know it can't work out, with the right victim it can linger... . If I return in her life, he is out and I am in... . until I don't commit to her as she undoubtedly sells herself to me, which isn't gonna work.

I am a very strong person in many ways. I can't be fooled in the end but I can probably force myself to inject the heroin again... . But I hope not.

I can't do more... . i write and post and think about the process constantly.

I have projects, interests, friends, things to do but it's hard to concentrate. It's even hard to leave my apartment.

I find it  helpful to try to help others as it seems to be helping me too.

Great thread and your posts are extremely helpful and spot on. It's appreciated.

i can identify... .  i was so addicted to her sex that i know if she said the right words... .  id be down the rabbit hole again... .  I did my best to push her away for good by mailing her all my bday, anniversary, and valentines cards... .  I felt like she would be indifferent to the package, but i didnt do it out of spite but to find some type of closure in this crazy ass relationship i had with a girl that was way too young emotionally and age wise as well. Im angry because i felt like she took advantage of the fact that I hadnt had a serious gf before to compare her too... .  so she played off that i feel... .  she always told me that i didnt know ~ about relationships... .  

[kampuniform]

Receding on the stream of history. After three years of perfunctory departures, wordless disappearances, unsubstantiated rages, and other horrors, I had a really, REALLY, nice day with her.  I felt terrific, and made the capital error of thinking that the tide of fortune was shifting appreciably in my favour. 

  Naturally, within a day or two of having this fantastic day with her I received a “Dear John” email.  I’d been through this stale routine with her on a number of occasions in the past, but this break-up tipped the balance.

My only thought upon reading her email was, “E-Nuff!” In an instant, my interest in her dropped to zero.  I became so sick and tired of the relentless pursuit, and the fallout that inevitably results whenever I experience a moment with her that bordered on being normal, that detaching was simplicity itself.  I pictured how a normal woman would respond to enjoying a fantastic day with her partner, and as you it know it bears no resemblance to what we endure routinely. 

I think that when your yearnings for a normal life outstrip your desire to be a surrogate parent/therapist/partner to a deeply damaged individual, detaching is a breeze.