holding myself accountable

[fakename]

i dont know if this is the forum for it,

but slowly i'm doing better, but i know i still have some frustrations inside of me, and i feel like i'm looking to attribute it to the wrong things to avoid holding myself accountable and avoid putting in the hard work i need to... .  

the past 2 years i've been at a standstill... . professionally and in my personal life.  i come up with lame excuses mostly blaming them on the damage caused by my relationship with the ex, (but i think i do that cause it seems like the perfect justification) - i'm starting to think that's just m brain working to keep my lazy and shirk being responsible.

i've had a lot of great opportunities that i let pass me by the past 2-3 years and its my own fault (though i wont be too hard on myself considering certain things)... .  

in the end, i know all these things, but i procrastinate making the final turning point in my life.  i guess its cause i want to stay a kid. but i know i need to do away with my sense of entitlement and think things should be handed to me. 

and starting now, i'm going to make sure i'm doing what i have to be doing to get my life back on track.  i dont want to fall into the trap of wasted talent though my depressed personality sometimes calls for it. 

i think this will help control what's left of my inner frustrations/anger and bring me more peace of mind... .  i just know i'm not gonna keep saying "i'll do it tomorrow" because i never let that day come for me... .  procrastination is killing me!

[Maryiscontrary]

You are awesome. Go out there and kick some butt!

[seeking balance]

Fakename,

This is a great observation of yourself - I understand the feeling of looking in the mirror an accepting the parts that we could control... .  what I realized, is we all get up every day and do the best we can with what we know at that time.

Now, you know - now you may have the confidence to risk... .  be vulnerable... .  it is the only way to truly being authentic.

For me, I found myself wanting perfection, control - all so I don't have to risk losing - this behavior means that opportunities can pass by.  That is ok, once we are strong enough to question ourselves, we are strong enough to change our patterns.


Good job on being open to looking deep at yourself 

Peace,

SB

[Diligence]

I battle the beast of procrastination, too.  It sounds like you are keeping your sword sharp and refining your battle plan. 

I have to take time out from my personal battle to care for myself.  I need recuperative time, otherwise my resiliency fades out and I lose ground in the battle.

Warm regards, fakename, as you continue your personal growth!

[fakename]

Thanks all for the support and insights.

Just gotta make sure I stick to it.

Stay focused but pace myself. Don't go into overdrive out of nowhere with no cause (I feel like my ex would do that)

Anyway thanks again and I'm sure ill give an update here whether you want to hear it or not. Haha

[maria1]

Fakename

Great post- we do want to hear. I really admire your honesty and bravery. This stuff is hard!

Keep hold and keep posting whether we want to hear or not! That's part of the trick to knowing you matter.

Nice work 

[Surnia]

and starting now, i'm going to make sure i'm doing what i have to be doing to get my life back on track.  i dont want to fall into the trap of wasted talent though my depressed personality sometimes calls for it. 

I am curious about it, keep us posted!

[fakename]

First off. Thanks again all for your support. It feels good.

So I figured I'd write a first day update. Think it's important to reflect on it.

Haha. Soo. The morning started out alright. Woke up around 6 and figured I'd relax in bed for a bit cause I didn't have anything to do and I just started watching the show 24 and its awesome.

But let's just say old habits are hard to break. I watched two episodes and got tired so went back to sleep. Woke up around 9:45 and did the usual shower breakfast and then read news and stuff on the net. (Burned time). I kept tellig myself I told myself I'd be aggressive and stop putting off things I should be doing, but instead just told myself not to and my mind would come up with te usual excuses (most using my ex- I guess my mind really knows how to justify itself well when it would rather be lazy and down and steer down the wrong path)

But then I told myself, you know what, don't overwhelm yourself. You don't have to do everything today just take one step at a time and see what you get done. And from there on the day went great. My spirit lifted, i got a lot done and also felt more peace. I was especially glad that I got a bunch done with my side project (especially since it requires me being in touch with who I am and beig able to set aside anger and frustration and sadness to be able to put out quality work)

I got errands done, Interacted better with family and also don't just dwell on my ex. One thing I was thinking about, after seeing some people post about wondering how they can move on so quickly or wondering if they ever think about us. I feel like its something to learn from them. I feel like they focus so well on getting their objective done (whatever that is) and just whatever they have to do for survival (whether its a new hobby, passion or chasing after a new partner) that they are so focused that they just coincidentally don't have the time to dwell as much as I have. I know whenever I am focused or partaking in something I'm passionate about thoughts of her leave my mind also. And so when I do think of her, it isn't as severe (which is where the difference may lie in that I can deal with solitude better and can be more aware of my emotions.

Anyway. Was a good day. Gonna read for a bit ( just picked up a Walt Disney bio) then watch some 24 and keep it going for tomorrow. Also excited to bike through NYC this weekend (if I was still with my ex I'd be feeling guilty about that being that it would be time I 'should' have been spending with her.

Hope you are all doing well too. I like to think we can feed of each other's energy.

[Maryiscontrary]

I don't have tv, radio, or a real stereo in my place. Almost nonexistent online socializing except for here. I did not want any distractions, as I am having to untangle this huge mess of trouble.

I am working on not dissociating so much, and I think I am starting to crack the nut, after over a year. I have my friend coming over to help me apply my polymer goo tomorrow. The ceiling, walls, and floor will look like melted wax.

My british guy friend gets his feelings hurt that I am not there all of the time. I explained that I must have time to myself, period. But I validated with SET. He seems to understand. He is just used to extremely low quality women, and the games they play. I am doing advanced website testing, running a business, systemizing suppliers. Doing artwork, and turning my trailer into a molded sculpted piece on the inside. And my friends.  I just don't have time to spend every second with him. I am developing my own personality, and nobody will ever get in my way again.

You will get there. Just keep keep at it. Just keep doing it.

[Diligence]

But then I told myself, you know what, don't overwhelm yourself. You don't have to do everything today just take one step at a time and see what you get done.

Hi, fakename.

This is healthy self-talk!

I can lapse into the same pattern when I am not working in the morning.  I wake up, burn a bunch of time thinking in bed or reading, and then fall back to sleep.  I've noticed how much better I feel when I get up, shower, dress, and eat breakfast.  I feel ready for whatever opportunities might arise and time does not seem to slip by.

I am a fan of 24 also.  I enjoy the adrenaline rush it provokes.

Warm regards!

[fakename]

so,

thought i'd provide a quick update for the hell of it... .  

this week has been really good in terms of my recovery.

the mentality i started this thread with i've learned to be the right one and it's helped a lot in terms of getting over the ex, and more importantly doing what i have to in order to live a mentally and physically healthy life.  i feel a lot less stress and anxiety.

i'm just taking things step by step... .  i make a point to attack each item on my to do list... . i dont have to exceed expectations i have for myself for any of them, i just have to put in the effort i know would make me proud. whether i get as much done as i'd like, it doesnt weigh on me or cause me shame... .  i'm doing it for myself and it's been bringing me peace and comfort and happiness... .  because i demand a lot from myself, in time i'll pump up the volume, but right now i'm content with my pace... .  just gonna make sure i continue to pace... .

i also stopped stalking my ex and that obviously has helped a lot. i always knew it would, but i just couldnt bring myself to stop before... .  

i still think about her a lot, but she is not my responsibility, and the way she chooses to live her life is much different than the way i lead my life... .

i find myself able to focus on getting frustrated less and also keeping my mood light and finding enjoyable humor in life (i always liked to joke around but it's different when you dont have anger and frustration bottled up... .  anger at myself and the world)

so, things are good for now cause i'm taking it step by step and making sure to make progress.  its not like i'm overly ecstatic or anything like that (which is good cause otherwise it would be a sign of it being a short-term mood fueled by the same craziness that fuels my ex's moods i think)

but anyway.  i think of the boards and the insights you've all given regularly and it all helps.  if i never came here, i know i would be in the same shoes i was in a year ago when i was completely self-destructive. 

i hope i've said a thing or two that maybe helps you in a little way... .  

[Surnia]

I am so glad, I think you reached a turning point.

Its great that you could stop stalking her too.