my BPD ex girlfriend

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello, first of all I want to apologize if my english is not that good, expect to see some spelling mistakes since I'm form Argentina and I haven't found a forum like this in spanish.

I want to share with you what I'm going through so I can get some support from someone who really understands what is like to have an ex girlfriend with BPD. She has not been diagnosed but I'm pretty shure she has this condition, she's almost like a text book example. I'm not to get too much into the details, I'm 29 and she is 24, we were toghether for almost 4 years until the definitive broke up a year ago. Since then she has undergone a downward spiral of impulsiveness, loneliness and self destructive behaviour. She has a very troubled mother and an abusive father, who lives in Miami (we live in Buenos Aires, Argentina) she visited last month and he ended up beating her up. Thankfully she has a very sweet and supportive stepfather. Phisically she is ok but emotionally she's devastated. She even considered hurting herself. I talked to her a lot of times, I mean a lot, but finally she begins to understand that she has a  problem and needs professional help. I convinced her to ask an apointment to begin treatment but the problem will be to get her to actually go to that appointment, and to commit to the treatment and not drop it when the ugly stuff starts to come out.

But as I said she is my Ex girlfriend, she is the one that ended up the relationship after a lot of ugly stuff  she did to me. She managed to hurt me so much that it was impossible to go on with the relationship. I tried to forgive her many times but she always made it clear it was over. I never contact her but every few months she reappears into my life. So now, after being alone for a year  I'm starting somethig with a really nice girl, a very healthy relationship that is something completly new for me. She does not depend on me, she is inteligent, independent, funny, emotionally matureAnd the same questions go on and on in my head; I'm I being selfish? Should I stay with her to support her? I wish she could find peace and happiness, so I could take care of my own life instead of spending my time saving her over and over and over again. But I feel responsible for her well being and if something happens to her it would be my fault :s

[spotless_mind]

Hello, first of all I want to apologize if my english is not that good, expect to see some spelling mistakes since I'm form Argentina and I haven't found a forum like this in spanish.

I want to share with you what I'm going through so I can get some support from someone who really understands what is like to have an ex girlfriend with BPD. She has not been diagnosed but I'm pretty shure she has this condition, she's almost like a text book example. I'm not to get too much into the details, I'm 29 and she is 24, we were toghether for almost 4 years until the definitive broke up a year ago. Since then she has undergone a downward spiral of impulsiveness, loneliness and self destructive behaviour. She has a very troubled mother and an abusive father, who lives in Miami (we live in Buenos Aires, Argentina) she visited last month and he ended up beating her up. Thankfully she has a very sweet and supportive stepfather. Phisically she is ok but emotionally she's devastated. She even considered hurting herself. I talked to her a lot of times, I mean a lot, but finally she begins to understand that she has a  problem and needs professional help. I convinced her to ask an apointment to begin treatment but the problem will be to get her to actually go to that appointment, and to commit to the treatment and not drop it when the ugly stuff starts to come out.

But as I said she is my Ex girlfriend, she is the one that ended up the relationship after a lot of ugly stuff  she did to me. She managed to hurt me so much that it was impossible to go on with the relationship. I tried to forgive her many times but she always made it clear it was over. I never contact her but every few months she reappears into my life. So now, after being alone for a year  I'm starting somethig with a really nice girl, a very healthy relationship that is something completly new for me. She does not depend on me, she is inteligent, independent, funny, emotionally matureAnd the same questions go on and on in my head; I'm I being selfish? Should I stay with her to support her? I wish she could find peace and happiness, so I could take care of my own life instead of spending my time saving her over and over and over again. But I feel responsible for her well being and if something happens to her it would be my fault :s

[whereisthezen]

 

Spotlessmind,

Glad you found the boards to learn and find guidance on what you are going through, there are lessons on the right that you may find useful.  Only you will know whether you want to continue seeing your current gf or revisit things with your ex.  Most important is what you are doing for yourself in either situation, if you need dating advice  there is a board for that too here.

Best of luck!

[egribkb]

The tendency for us nons to want to rescue and then feel guilty if we want out is a trap. Look up co-dependency.

[Farside]

Hi,

I understand the dilemma you're feeling, but my advice is to protect yourself and keep a huge distance. I think that you gave all you could during the relationship and from my own experience I know how hard it is and the damage it does to yourself in an emotionally abusive relationship like these ones. I imagine she probably controlled your life during the relationship and it's not fair on you to have to deal with that again. However is there anyone in her life that you can talk to to ask them to help her? Any way that you can get her the help without being directly involved is the safest option for you I would think. In my almost four months being free and NC with my BP ex I now know how disfunctional our relationship was and how much damage i did to me emotionally and mentally.

[Surnia]

Hola spotless_mind

and 

So sorry to hear about your struggles with your past relationship!

I feel with you about worrying to be to selfish.

Your post reminds me the saying of the 3 C about BPD: You did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it! The only person who can reach out for professional help is she.

I agree with egribkb, it could be helpful to read about co-dependency. Are we co-dependent?.

I would focus on your new relationship.

Btw: Your English is fine! 

[Alvino]

Spotless Mind,

I think you need to let her go. You cannot rescue her. Someone has once described dealing with people suffering from BPD as follows:

"They are in the freezing water and screaming that they are drowning - and that we need to rescue them. We are on a stable ship, throw them a life raft, pull them in, warm them up, give them a cup of warm tea and take care of them to warm them up physically and emotionally. But the instant we shift our attention for even a second, they jump up, run onto the deck and jump into the freezing water again - and then call on us to rescue them, while blaming us for not having rescued them properly the first time."

Repeat, ad nauseam. In a short time, they are becoming miraculously less capable of leading their own lives and we need to do everything for them - and mercy on us if we do something "wrong". After a brief period of time, we find ourselves treading water in the cold sea trying to lift them onto the life raft that they just can't seem to be able to cling onto. After a bit more time, we are totally exhausted from the emotional push-pull that we'd do anything just to have some peace.

And we don't stop to wonder why we are in the water half-drowning ourselves now instead of standing on a stable ship.

Stop trying to "rescue" her - she is misusing your friendship. You will not be able to move on and have a healthy relationship with the new person in your life unless you close communication with your old SO.

You are not responsible for her happiness - and you cannot make her happy/heal her/make her permanently feel good. If she threatens self-harm, inform her family and friends and leave it at that. You cannot take responsibility for an adult's wellbeing.

Good luck.

[pallavirajsinghani]

Here is some food for thought"

www.kevinmartineau.ca/would-you-let-go-of-the-rope/