Protect Children from Lies?

[smiley gladhands]

My wife had asked me to leave work early today, which was fine, however i requested for her to drop off our daughter at daycare by herself (its a beautiful day outside and daycare is within walking distance) so i could get in a little early

She got very angry with me for wanting to go in early, and i was getting lectured about how i never put family first, and all this other nonsense. (This was during the walk to daycare, as i decided i wouldnt go in early to work)

I eventually had enough of being berated and told her to stop talking because i dont want to hear it anymore. She tried to physically push me off the stroller, however i didnt release my grip. She then grabbed my childs bookbag and water bottle and literally threw them into the dirt of someones front yard. I easily retrieved them, however my wife was still mad and said to my two year old daughter "daddy hates you". God knows what she says about me when i'm not around, etc.

How do you "defend" yourself to a small child? My daughter and i have a great relationship and do lots of activities together (swim classes, bike riding, going to the park, etc). How do you even explain to them that their mother is full of crap? Right now i basically ignored it, as i dont think my 2 year old really understands what "hate" even means, but as she gets older, this stuff could really impact her.

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[zaqsert]

It's really tough when your spouse drags your child into it. 

My uBPDw pulled this on me when my daughter was just over 1 year old.  She was changing her diaper, complaining also about how I don't care about my family and only care about myself and my work.  I was just on my way out to go to the office in the morning.  And she said to our daughter "It's too bad that daddy doesn't care about us."

I suppose I'm glad that at that age the words probably didn't mean much.  But I was pissed.  In a very firm tone, with clear anger behind it, I told her ":)on't ever say anything derogatory about me to D, and don't ever drag her into this, ever again."  That was the last time she tried it that I'm aware of.  It's been a little over a year.

I am also interested in suggestions that others have here.  Otherwise I'd say keep up the great relationship that you have with your daughter.  Tell her that you love her as often as you can.  After Yeeter's suggestion, I started adding that I will always love her.

Thinking about it some more... .    This probably does need to be an explicit boundary for me, especially if it ever happens again.  So I think it would be appropriate for me to say something if it ever happens again.  But I am not sure how really to enforce the boundary since this seems to be about something that my wife would do rather than what I can do to enforce the boundary.

[lizzie458]

Seems to me that the best defense is a good offense.  What I mean is, nurturing your relationship with your daughter and reasssuring her with both your words and actions should hopefully override any negative comments her mother makes.  I know lots of men who feel bullied by their wives and subsequently begin to retreat from the family so they don't get hurt so badly - if that were to happen with you, your daughter might wonder if her mom was right.  I didn't hear anything in your post about that, but I know it's a common issue with a lot of guys I know so I thought I'd mention it.

If you continue to invest in your daughter and treating her with respect, making sure she knows you love her, then hopefully she will be secure in the truth.  If you are able to learn from the workshops and lessons here how to better communicate and manage your own emotions and behavior, your daughter will see that too.  It's sad that our kids have to have such emotionally unstable caregivers (BPD's who are not recovering), but they also have the opportunity to have really healthy examples if we do the work (us non's).