Depression

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Lately I discover more and more how pessimistic I am becoming. More and more I wish I was never born. I found myself contemplating the idea that, had I not have such strong conservation instinct, I would have attempted to take my life sometime last year or this year. I just really don't see a way out. I feel like a complete failure in my career, I am almost 30 and I still work a teenager's job. Without independence, I simply don't know what I will do in the future.

I started crying the last time I had a fight with mom, and after that I felt so humiliated that I let her saw me so weak. I started crying because I was feeling that I just don't want to exist. I could not stop my tears, tho I can usually control my reactions pretty good.

I don't know exactly why I am writing this. I am just so down and hoping someone can understand me and have some compassion, as I seldom find in this real life.

[justine1984]

Lately I discover more and more how pessimistic I am becoming. More and more I wish I was never born. I found myself contemplating the idea that, had I not have such strong conservation instinct, I would have attempted to take my life sometime last year or this year. I just really don't see a way out. I feel like a complete failure in my career, I am almost 30 and I still work a teenager's job. Without independence, I simply don't know what I will do in the future.

I started crying the last time I had a fight with mom, and after that I felt so humiliated that I let her saw me so weak. I started crying because I was feeling that I just don't want to exist. I could not stop my tears, tho I can usually control my reactions pretty good.

I don't know exactly why I am writing this. I am just so down and hoping someone can understand me and have some compassion, as I seldom find in this real life.

[morningagain]

Justine,

I do understand.  I have returned to the very painful state you describe many times over the last 9+ months.  There were times I felt and believed I would never escape that pit, never be the same, never be normal or happy.  At first, I was in that pit almost constantly for 2 months.  The next three months, I was a mess as well, but the pit wasn't as deep.  Since then, I visit there far less, though I have been struggling the last 2 weeks.

What I determined was that for me, it is the combination of emotional pain and the feeling of powerlessness that combine to just explode in me a render me a wreck.  I posted here just a few minutes ago on "letting go" -

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=200224.msg12247028#new

it is so strange how letting go might seem like "giving up" but it is not, or how letting go might seem like an act of powerlessness, but it is not.  It is an act of strength, courage, and wisdom.

Darlin, I sincerely hope this helps in some way.  It can get better, it does get better when we dig deep and find some good and positive truths to hang on to and begin anew to live by.

Blessings   

[justine1984]

Thank you so much, I did read your post about letting go and I do need to let go - of my hope that either of my parents will ever be real PARENTS to me.

What I can't really cope with right now is my feeling of uselessness and worthlessness. I have a really bad self esteem, but I guess that's not very hard to tell. I wish so much I could become independent from my abusive mother (I left her house more than 10 years ago but I was never completely on my own). I have a very hard time becoming motivated to do the simplest things like doing the dishes, because deep inside I just don't feel like I am worth the comfort of having a clean kitchen. It may sound like I am exaggerating, but I am not.

[morningagain]

Thank you so much, I did read your post about letting go and I do need to let go - of my hope that either of my parents will ever be real PARENTS to me.

What I can't really cope with right now is my feeling of uselessness and worthlessness. I have a really bad self esteem, but I guess that's not very hard to tell. I wish so much I could become independent from my abusive mother (I left her house more than 10 years ago but I was never completely on my own). I have a very hard time becoming motivated to do the simplest things like doing the dishes, because deep inside I just don't feel like I am worth the comfort of having a clean kitchen. It may sound like I am exaggerating, but I am not.

I really do get the utter lack of motivation to do even the basic things, not to mention the more difficult and complex stuff.  My self esteem issues are my excuse to avoid people.  For me, the "Letting go" list is my path to independence - I became engulfed in my relationship with my wife until that pretty much was my identity - not a good place to be.  depression, ptsd ensued, which I am still struggling to break free from.  That is the independence I seek and am working towards.  So even though the relationships are very different for us, I still have some understanding and much empathy for you.  Daggone it is hard!  My hope is that I become independent enough (strong enough) so that a relationship is possible and healthy for me with my wife, even if we end up as just friends.  At any rate, strength is necessary to be independent, and to become strong (physically, psychologically, emotionally, intellectually), exercise is required, and lack of exercise leads to atrophy - lack of physical exercise leads to atrophy of the muscles, lack of intellectual exercise leads to dullness, lack of healthy emotional exercise leads to depression, powerlessness, anger, etc.  I wish it was not so foreboding to 'exercise', but I sure do not want to be this way my whole life.  Nobody is going to 'rescue' me.  Well, my two cents anyway.  Said a prayer for you.   

[vivekananda]

Hi Justine,

You do sound depressed. It is a terrible place to be, I hope that it doesn't last too long. It does sound like you could do with some help with this sadness.

Is there anyone you can talk to? Are you seeing a therapist?

Cheers,

Vivek  

[Maryiscontrary]

My god, how I have been there. No human should have to endure such inner hell. I have cursed my dumbass parents for having me, not taking into account the familial and genetic problems on both sides. I was special needs, and zero of these needs were met. My idiot stupid parents can rot in hell.


Lol. Now back to earth. Regarding the crappy job, please undertand that the US is undergoing an economic collapse that the government has tried to stem for over a decade. I am a hard core scientist, and the job market is literally so gutted that I get nauseous just thinking about it. we are becoming a freelance nation, and with most jobs paying so low, it is not worth it to do W2 paycheck. So it is not just you, but 10s of millions in the US alone, many with advanced degrees from so called prestigious schools. You are not alone.

I am not familiar with your story. Does your mother cause you trauma?

[heartandwhole]

Justine1984,

You are not alone.  I can relate very much to your post, I have felt such similar feelings.  It wasn't so long ago that I also did not see a way out or the point in living, either.  

I do need to let go - of my hope that either of my parents will ever be real PARENTS to me.

I think that is a very wise statement above and might be at the core of your feelings.  Grieving the very real loss, which can then lead to acceptance.  

Learning how to be the parent that I needed, to myself, is something that I am learning now. When I asked my T how to do something I have no idea how to do, she told that I would learn the same way I learned anything else: talking to her, reading, research, trial and error, etc.  That was a   moment for me.  And surprisingly, more and more I like being there for me and I like learning how to take care of myself and I feel a LOT better.  Things DO get better, but when I was in that place, I didn't believe it.

Wishing you comfort, peace, and love.  Big hug  

heartandwhole

[Maryiscontrary]

Justine, if your parents are invalidating and are destroying your mental health, is it possible for you to find a roommate or another relative? They are not going to change, and this finger in the wound will destroy any recovery. For a Person with PTSd to recover, she must remove herself from the trauma, pronto. A solder on the battle lines in Iraq cannot heal PTSD. For instance.

[justine1984]

Is there anyone you can talk to? Are you seeing a therapist?

I am seeing a therapist but I do not have enough money to see him more often than every other week. Insurance doesn't cover therapy in my country.

Maryiscontrary, I do not live in the US but in my country the situation is pretty similar so I do agree. However, I look around at my ex highschool colleagues and other people I know, they all live in the same country, same economy and they do way better than me. That really gets me thinking and makes me feel so inferior.

Also, it has been more than 10 years since I no longer live with either of my parents. I searched so much for my independence ever since I was an adolescent because I understood they are both unreliable, and yet 10 years later here I am, still not doing ok on my own. I have always taken help from them when offered, and my mother always did it on purpose to keep me depending on her. And the worst part is that she succeeded in doing so. This is why I feel so worthless. Life is nothing I thought it would be 10 years ago. I have a lot of bad decisions in my past, an abandoned university, choosing a rather bad one as a second one (which I did graduate but never got my diploma because of a scandal that the university was involved in), a divorce, alienating some of my friends when they told me straight up some things they thought about me.

I am not motivated to do anything. Its been over 2 years since I finished my divorce and still there are some paper I should have done back then that I didn't even today. And it's completely NOT because I was unsure or regretful of the divorce. I simply couldn't get myself to give up a late morning that I could afford having, to go handle this paper issue. I started learning 3 foreign languages that I eventually gave up on. I give up on everything that I start, and no matter how sure I am that this time I won't do it when I stat a new project, I always do at some point. Am I going to become one of those ladies in their 80's that nobody visits, that always complains about not having money for medicines and food and that everyone avoids?

[justine1984]

Also another thing is that I tried speaking to some of my friends, but the reaction they had was somewhere along the lines of "what do you have to be so unhappy about, look at your life". It actually made me feel embarassed for complaining. They are right in some way, I know people who would trade their lifes for mine any moment. I guess there is always someone who would rather have your life than his. And it's true, I don't lack that many things all in all, except for self esteem and motivation.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Justine-

A few thoughts:

It's up to you to decide if you are depressed because you are working through a loss, or it doesn't appear to have cause.  You got divorced, that's a loss, and maybe you're disconnecting from your parents emotionally, even though you've been out for 10 years.  My point is depression is a normal part of grieving, and if you are grieving, it's important to not make yourself wrong for being depressed, just go through it with a belief that acceptance follows and you will feel better, and if you don't have that belief, create it.

I was wandering and lost when i was your age, coming to grips with the fact my childhood was over but I hadn't fully embraced adulthood yet.  It lasted a few years, and then life got really good for a long time.  No need to talk about your 80's yet, you have many years to experience first, and they will be what you make them.

We all need to feel listened to, heard, understood and accepted.  Good for you for talking to your friends, and if they shoot down things that are important to you, that's invalidating, and I say keep talking to different people until you find ones you can talk freely to, even if it takes a while, keep trying.

Don't make yourself wrong for not wanting to do anything, but also, what's your heart say?  If you could do anything you wanted for a living, what would it be?  Can you create an empowering vision for your future, and take just one step towards it?

Take care of you.

[vivekananda]

Hi Justine,

I am glad you are seeing a therapist, perhaps together you could work on setting a few personal goals for yourself to help you life out of this malaise.

There are lots of resources available to help you take control of your life. My personal favourite for the moment is The Reality Slap by Dr Russ Harris. He talks about mindfulness plus self compasssion and goal setting, as the keys to leading a happy life. Like all concepts, mindfulness & self compassion have levels of understanding and the more we learn about them, the more we develop a deeper understanding... .  see:

www.actmindfully.com.au/ 

This guy is an exponent of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). The first two chapters of his book are downloadable from this site.

Of course, you might not be in a position to get motivated enough to do any more than put one foot in front of another. But also know, there are resources available for us to help us get on the track we want to be on, when we are ready to be open to them... .  

lots of love Justine,

Vivek    

[justine1984]

fromheeltoheal I don't even know what I would like best as a job. There are several things that I believe would be awesome, but I can't really know until I try them out. I got a job as a translator and thought it was going to be awesome, and I did enjoy it very much but then it turned out the employers were not really that satisfied with my work. That is another recent loss that I grieve and that once again give me this feeling that I never have success at anything.

I love astronomy and I always thought it would be awesome if I ever worked in this field. Then I had the chance to attend some classes for free and I realized that I was getting bored. And it's true for other fields that I am knowledgeable of,  that I am selective of them and I only like certain parts of it.

[WillSurvive420]

im feeling really depressed. my exgfwBPD and I broke up over a month ago. weve been NC for 18 days which i initiated... .  Been talking to a girl in my apt. complex last week or so when we see each other outside. We were supposed to hangout today, but she stood me up... .  Thats the last thing I needed for my ego... .  It was something that shouldnt have been a big deal at all... .  just a tad annoying... .  cant have big expectations from a stranger... .  But i feel super lonely... .  i was looking forward to having a female companion to chill with... .  I dont know if the girl actually wants to hangout with me or if shes just trying to be a "friendly neighbor" Yeah sure well go hang out... .  Wink wink... .  Feeling worthless. Feeling like Ill never find love, and that all women will eventually tear me down no matter what. Whats the point?