Disbelief of others?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Have a mutual friend who I share w/ my exBPD gf, who is shocked by the stories I've told her about our relationship; would never think that my ex is possible of such behaviors. In general, my ex comes across as "sweet" in our circle of mutual friends.  But behind closed doors, she was very much similar to other intense stories I've read on this blog... .  

Any experience this night and day thing w/ their exes? It really frustrates me, since she comes off totally opposite from instability and upheaval I saw and experienced... .  

[Buzz77]

Have a mutual friend who I share w/ my exBPD gf, who is shocked by the stories I've told her about our relationship; would never think that my ex is possible of such behaviors. In general, my ex comes across as "sweet" in our circle of mutual friends.  But behind closed doors, she was very much similar to other intense stories I've read on this blog... .  

Any experience this night and day thing w/ their exes? It really frustrates me, since she comes off totally opposite from instability and upheaval I saw and experienced... .  

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes, that is common.  Mine created a public persona that she could maintain for long periods of time, she'd cultivated it over many years, and it worked and was very attractive.

I choose to believe that who she showed up as in private was the real her, and I was close to her and emotionally enmeshed, so I triggered her BPD traits, so I saw the disorder in all its acidic bloom.  One thing I focused on was something I read that with all the persecution, criticism and judgement, she was showing me how she was raised.  Poor girl, I really feel for her, but realize I cannot fix it, and would have just continued to take the brunt of it.

[Rocknut]

I posted a topic similar to this at one point. Everyone thought my ex was such a nice guy. He raged behind closed doors. He did drugs behind closed doors. Yet he had this nearly supernatural ability to put on a public face. His public face was a charismatic, nice friendly person. However... .  He eventually became unglued n public. He cursed his manager and screamed at customers at his restaurant... .  Got fired

He laid in my bed a few weeks Later. He talked about killing himself. He got up. 1 hour later he went for a job interview, got the job, and went to dinner.

I ran myself crazy trying to tell others how he was acting . It only served to make me look like the crazy one. Don't waste your time.

[benny2]

yep mine comes across the same way. His work related friendships and people that know him on the outside think he is the nicest guy. Its very frustrating when they put on this image and put you through hell. Then to top it off, they come across to these people that you were the problem in the relationship which makes it even harder to convince anyone of these behaviors. The sad apart about it is, the nice guy is the one that I fell in love with. I do believe that truely is a part of them, its just that theres that monster BPD that develops only with people that become intimately close to them.

[hellokitty4]

I have always told others "the person you know is not the same person I know."

"Then to top it off, they come across to these people that you were the problem in the relationship which makes it even harder to convince anyone of these behaviors." My BPDfriend has told some people who do not really know me that I am controlling, that I want to know everything, that I am jealous. Projection at its finest... .  she just described herself.  The people that know me will never believe her, and she would never dare tell them all those things about me because she knows she cannot fool them.

hk4

[delgato]

Mine could do it for a while, but eventually the cracks would start showing, usually within weeks or months.

Of course, most wouldn't see the worst of it, unless you were a guy who shared with her a romantic attraction.


What helped me somewhat, after all this, was talking to a buddy of mine who started getting involved with her a little (he was married, & his wife soon put an end to it, including an eventual confrontation with the pwBPD).

He was convinced that she was Bi-Polar. I told him she might be, but it was more than that (i.e., BPD).

We shared some "war stories," though it was concluded that I definitely suffered more psychological & emotional damage, as I had gone a lot further down the rabbit-hole with her, for longer, and for 2 go-arounds.


In any event, it was nice to have some confirmation/validation with somebody who also shared some similar experiences with the same pwBPD. Certainly helped put my mind at ease somewhat, knowing that I wasn't the only one.

[fromheeltoheal]

So there you go Buzz, validation that you were not alone.  It can be quite the relief when we discover that we weren't imagining things, and even though the BPD is blaming everything on us, we aren't entirely or even mostly to blame.  Now that you've gotten validation, does it make you feel differently?

[Buzz77]

I guess the problem is that I knew her under very isolated circumstances (we were in grad school together), so our grad student friends only saw a limited public side to her; I have told my therapist about her and she thinks she definitely has traits (she admitted it would be unethical to fully diagnosis her w/out meeting her in person)... .  

On better days, I'm an aspiring writer. She is 33 and from my rough estimate she has been in something akin to eleven (possibly plus) substantial relationships. I have often fantasized about meeting one of her eleven plus ex-boyfriends; one short story idea I have is writing a hypothetical letter to him... .       

[flynavy]

I am still amazed by this illness... .  I posted this last email my exBPD/NPD sent me... .  

Hi XXXX,

I hope this letter finds you well.   I have wanted to write you for a few days.   I wrote some words on paper but I don't know where they are.   So this is ad lib.   

I am sorry for the pain I have caused you.   I will miss you and did love you deeply.   I'm glad I had the experience of love.    I know, as you have said, that we have been over for a long time.    You know all the dates, not sure I did because I still loved you.   I will always remember our sweet times together.   I often think of nice things like kissing in all the parking lots and stuff like that.   Just the simpler things.

I do know that you have reached out to certain people while in your pain... .     I always remember you telling me... . "XXXX, when did you realize not everyone is going to like you"   or care in different degrees.   XXXX, I am telling you that too,   and I'm not speaking of me.   I do care about you and want to, in some weird way, protect you.   

If you don't understand this, let me know.   I did have so many other things I wanted to say... .  but most importantly, the above.

truly,

XXXX

This woman was my wife's nurse in a very well respected oncology surgeons group.  My wife had Ovarian Cancer and passed.  When I called off the wedding after I found out that she was always still with her man of 8 years... .  maybe engaged to both of us and still seeing others on the side!

To the point of the topic, that whole group at her workplace views her as the poor hardworking single mom of 4 professional nurse.  Can you imagine what she told them when I called off the wedding 3 weeks before the date?  They were all invited so how does she save face.  what does she have to protect ME from except herself.  I am aware of how she assassinated my character with her family... .  can

only imagine what she told the people at work... .  especially the doctors... .  remember she is also very narcissistic as well.

[Billa]

also my ex-bf has a public persona, a very nice guy, smart, helping, gentle, a wonderful person indeed... .  he works as a TV journalist and a telecaster, so he is very high-functioning and is able to maintain his perfect image most of the time. But yet, after some time, people who are in strict contact with him generally come to know his hidden face. As far as work is concerned this process can take some years, in friendship a little less, in relationship just months, but his real self will always come out. Recently, apart from what he did to our relationship, he has literally destroyed harmony among a group of people who were very good friend one another. Previously he changed a lot of jobs and, the last time, in march 2012, he changed going to another branch of our national TV, in another town, after having had a lot of troubles wit superiors and co-workers. When you are introduced to him he looks so nice, when you really got to know him, you are astonished about the differences between his two-sides.

[theboro504]

I picked up a book once at my ex fiances house one day and found a hand written note in it. It was a checklist entitled, "Mastering the Art of Faking it". It was a checklist for her hair, clothes, make up, accessories, her smile; all to be checked before she left the house.

Yes, I saw one thing and everyone else saw the lady from the list.

The question still remains and haunts me, why did I stay?

[VeryFree]

On the outside my stb was/is a very different person than on the inside.

Just on a few occasions she showed her true self. The witnesses were flabbergasted.

Too bad it happened more often, for it would be easier to talk to others.

Right now I just share my story with my people. Not with mutual friends. I don't want to hurt her or her life and as mentioned above, I don't want to look like the crazy one.

Sooner or later she is going to crack. It has been four months since our separation and the first persons from our mutual friends have told me that they found some strange things in her behavior lately.  My reaction to that: "could be, I don't want to influence anybody. Maybe I tell my story some day, but not yet. Just do what you find apropriate".