I can't be the healthy one today

[byasliver]

The title is exactly how I feel. I've been struggling all morning to figure out why I feel so anxious and it finally dawned on me that I just don't have it in me today to be the healthy one. I can't cater to his extreme emotions today. I can't validate him so he feels better. I can't be the bigger person and think about every little thing I say and do so as not to upset HIM. I just don't have it in me to let it be all about him today. I have feelings. I am scared and hurting and confused and needing [url=https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation]validation[/b][/url] and support and someone to think before they talk to me!

I understand that the timing of this is horrible. He is very dysregulated right now and by nature he is one to push things to the limit. I've seen him break jar lids and strip screws from over tightening. For an appt he has, he will wait till the last possible minute to leave and often end up late. But he'll speed to make up time. He has a radar detector in his car just so he can drive as fast as possible. He will push me today. He HAS pushed me for four days now! And I just don't think I can take even one more thing.

And the crappiest part is that I'm feeling guilty and scared about it. My shoulders & neck are actually burning from the tension in them. I feel all these emotions sitting right there and fear that just one demand from him, one angry remark, one door slam and I'm going to blow a gasket! It wouldn't be healthy to unleash on him - not for either of us but I don't know how to prevent it right now. I've tried reading all the tools, playing my water sounds, getting busy doing something productive - nothing is helping! And now the tears are rolling! Maybe that's what I need. Just to curl up in a ball and cry until I can't cry anymore. Or scream and rage at nothing and no one until I feel spent.

I'm already just so tired. But I love him so much - that's what hurts the most. I STILL LOVE HIM DEARLY! Not the dysregulated him but the him I married. The one who was MY ROCK. I was the "emotional one" when we married and he was always so solid. He kept us both grounded while I kept us from being too hard. We went through so much in our first years together and that's always how it was: I was the softer one who kept us from letting all the difficulties turn us to stone and he was the tough one who kept us from falling completely apart. Now he's an emotional mess and I'm trying to be strong for us but ... .  I can't be what I'm not. It's like he wants the tables flipped: for him to be the emotional one and me to be the tough one but I just can't do it all.

I don't want to lose him but I'm getting to the point of wondering what will be left of me if things keep going as they are for too much longer? Am I going to be so spent that I won't be any good for either of us? Will I be too bitter to still love him? Am I not the right partner for him to help him through this? Am I doing us both a disservice by trying to hang in there? I'm still here... .  still committed... .  just struggling more than usual. So many questions... .  so many emotions... .  far too few answers  :'(

Just needed to vent... .  

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[briefcase]

Sorry to hear you are stuggling. It happens, we're human and we get tired and worn out.  This is hard to do and perfection is not the standard - not by a long shot.  Continue to take good care of yourself and take a break.  Maybe find things to do out of the house with friends of or on your own.   

[byasliver]

Suddenly he's being all nice again! Then he notices I'm sad and now wants to talk! I know I'm not in the mood to be as patient, empathetic, understanding and validating as he seems to need lately and I seriously doubt he's ready to hear what I truly want to say. Not sure how this is going to play out. Going to read back over some of the tools and my "flashcards" and figure out how best to approach this.

[yeeter]

Yep. You are human (and this is a good thing!)

Give yourself a break. Do something to recharge and re energize. You are no good to anyone if not taking care of yourself... .  

[byasliver]

Oh, yeah, about the "getting out and doing something" it just so happens that our local library is having a mom/daughter night tonight which I signed up myself and my three d's for. A local spa is coming in to give goody bags, hair, make up, all that good stuff. Considering I'm pretty sure that Mother's Day will suck royally this year, I'm calling tonight my "Mother's Day" and I'm going to enjoy it... .  try to anyway!

[byasliver]

Ok, so I told him, "I am an emotional wreck right now and do not feel I can be a very good listener or communicator. If you still want to talk, I will try." His response, "Ok, understood. I'll leave you alone." That totally p*ssed me off. I mean, why is that no matter what his mood, I HAVE to be a good listener/communicator if he wants to talk but he NEVER has to be? I know, boundaries. And that was MY issue, not his. Anyway, took some deep breaths and responded, "If you have something positive to share, that'd be great. Otherwise, yeah, I really want to talk/listen but don't think it's wise." All of that was by texting. Then he came to me and said, "So, we really need to work this out. My T thinks I need to be going to her more than once a month so I'm going back on Wednesday. We really need to work on this but you're too sensitive right now to listen to the issues."

And then it hit me: when he wants control over something, it's I I I I I I. It's MY money. It's MY house because MY money paid for it. But when he doesn't want responsibility it's all YOU YOU YOU YOU. YOU make this house a mess. YOU and the kids are disrespectful. YOU and the kids are the reason we're going broke. YOU are the reason we can't communicate. YOU are the reason for all our marital problems. And this is what I can no longer handle but I don't know what to do about it. I feel like we are at a complete impasse when it comes to communicating. Living under the same roof like this seems impossible at best but I fear admitting that to him will end things completely. He has told me more than once that there will be no separation with the possibility of reuniting: if we separate, it's only for a divorce.

I don't know what to do. I think I'm going to write him a long email. Pour out my feelings and just hope for the best.

[yeeter]

Hi Sliver - hugs.   

From reading your post, I can tell you are wound up and sensitive to a lot of things right now.  Dont forget to breathe!  Give yourself a break.  The library outing sounds great!

If you can get yourself grounded and more calm internally, you will be more effective in dealing with the relationship  (which isnt fair, is one sided, etc etc and all that jazz... .  but none of that is likley to change, much less immediately, so you have to take care of your own emotional health first)

[byasliver]

Thanks, yeeter. I ended up writing him that email (I'm a really fast typer) and pretty much said to him what I said above but a little more nicely and with lots of "these are just my FEELINGS - no facts" thrown in. I also emphasized that none if it is an ultimatum or threat or anything of the sort - just feelings. I also told him that opening up like that was hard and a response would be appreciated but that I understood of that wasn't possible for him and/or if he needed time. I have to leave to pick up the kids in about 30 minutes and then will be busy the rest of the day until later tonight. Really hoping I can just crash into bed tonight then wake tomorrow feeling better. I do have an appt with my T first thing tomorrow after I take the kids to school.

[arabella]

I have nothing constructive to add but I wanted to send a

Here's another, just in case 

[byasliver]

Thanks, arabella!   one for you, too.

Right now I seriously feel like I entered some alternate universe. We were just talking when he brought up that I could do what I wanted but HE was hiring a lawyer with HIS money. When I repeated back to him exactly what he said, he responded, "I didn't bring that up! YOU did!" Then he retold the conversation but completely turned it around. I mean, my jaw literally dropped and I couldn't help but say, "wow." Yeah, he didn't take that so well. Started telling me to leave but followed me as I walked out of the room. His point then was that he was trying to reach out to me all weekend but I pulled away. Funny how I have proof in the way of texts that prove otherwise. Again, all I can say is, "wow."

He is scared out of his mind. I don't say that to say I feel sorry for him. Just a realization. This is the only way he knows to defend himself. I do pray that for him, this is the breaking point but I don't know that it is. I think this is still something he thinks he can blame on me and therefore, it won't be a "rock bottom" for him.

[arabella]

Oh lord. Yes, I've been there with the jaw dropping 'wow' moments. It's... .  awful. I guess that's why we call it living in Oz (or Wonderland)? It's like a whole other world exists for them and we get dragged into it. Bewildering to say the least.

At least you have the texts so that you know you aren't crazy. Sometimes I start to wonder about myself... .  

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi byasliver!

I don't come here often at the moment, taking some time to focus on me and not the disorder. But I just wanted to give you a hug or two!   

I'm sorry it's not going well for you. Please be kind to yourself and don't get lost in Oz!

[raindancer]

byasliver and arabella 

today, when/if you get the chance, take some time to breathe - just for you breathe.

go for a walk, sit on the grass, watch the birds, the butterflies, the geese - anything that you can do to not have to be in the middle of what you're in... .  and see the world around you.

it may sound like really silly advise. it's not. i've stood at the exact crossroads on the exact corner you are standing at right now. i know the confusion, the hurt, the anger, the happiness, the regrets, the hopelessness, the wishful thinking you're feeling. i know how it is to want to go back to what "we once had". i know how hard i tried to fix what seemed broken beyond repair. and i know all the letters i wrote pleading to be heard, all the nights i cried hoping he would have compassion and all the times i felt alone hoping he'd stand beside me. i know how it feels to be in a world full of people only to feel completely alone.

i know how it is to try to rebuild a house (a relationship) while someone keeps wanting to bulldoze it to the ground. i tried for almost two decades with my ex... .  i'm not saying it can't be done - it probably can if the right things come together. but it won't happen if trying to fix something becomes a tool he uses to help wreck it.

for today, if you can, let the house stand on its own - and take some time for yourself to breathe. niether of you is crazy, even if sometimes you feel like you are. it's oz that's making you feel that way - so for a day, an hour, a moment - take a pause to get out of oz... .  

[byasliver]

SP,   Enjoy the YOU time! Been doing more of that myself lately

raindancer, I have come to recognize the need to take care of myself lately and have been doing that more. However, there is a pressing issue this week that needs my attention more. It's okay. I can handle it BECAUSE I've been taking better care of myself.

One quick note: I think I have hit the jackpot with my therapist! He has been just phenomenal in helping me deal with things and today I found out that his daughter was borderline! So he is nothing short of amazing! Not only does he understand it from a therapist's POV but he understands the more personal side, too!

[arabella]

Ooh - your T sounds great! Maybe just the little ray of positivity that you needed to pick things up today? I'm so happy to hear you sounding more confident - it looks good on you!

[Scarlet Phoenix]

That's super news about your therapist! 

[jedicloak]

byasliver, we get it. We understand and you have every right to be worn out and tired. Each of us can only take so much! Can't give away what you don't have and right now, it sounds like you need some deposits in the byasliver emotional bank. That bank is ALWAYS open for business. 

[byasliver]

Just wanted to give a tidbit of a positive update: after some very difficult days lately, a few hours ago my uBPDh gave me this picture that said, "Sometimes the strongest people are the ones who love beyond all faults, cry behind closed doors and fight battles that nobody knows about." I sobbed like a baby! I soo needed that reminder of why I love him so dearly: because once in a blue moon, he GETS IT like no one else! It's rare... .  but priceless!

[arabella]

 

It's those little things that keep us holding on, isn't it?