Going on a trip-suicide talk

[wdone]

i'm leaving for a trip, and although i see a lot of progress, i am a bit worried about him dysregulating and doing something crazy, like leaving town, or hurting himself.

he did come over last night, and stay the night. he did argue and escalate, but i stopped responding and he went off for a bit, (saying he may leave town when i'm gone and "start a new life somewhere else." and then left the room in a rage and sat in the other dark room for about 30 minutes and then i called out calmly and cheerfully that i had found a funny movie to watch, and he came back in.  we watched the movie and went to sleep without more incident.

this morning,we talked about how maybe he could wait until i get back to make a decision about leaving town, and he said "that's fine. i'm not going anywhere. i'm just doing what i always do."

i said i'd miss him and that i'd see him when i got back. to which he said,

"yeah, if i don't kill myself." 

i said that is serious, and will he promise me he won't do that, and if he feels like it again, to call the crisis line, and he said he would.

i did talk to my T about his talk of suicide this past few weeks, and she didn't have great advice.

i really want to enjoy my trip, and plan to have fun.  i am really excited to be going. 

the truth is, though, i am having pretty awful stomach pains.  i have a feeling it is just really bad anxiety causing the pain. 

i'm trying to breathe and focus on what needs to be done... .  just thought i should reach out for support here. i need it.   

thanks. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[wdone]

i guess more specifically--

what do you do when your SO threatens suicide or to leave the state? (i know they probably have different solutions)

and, what do you do for yourself when he/she threatens suicide or gets dysregulated when you you are leaving for a trip?

[Mono No Aware]

The suicide talk is super hard.

It's the worst gamble in the world to decide whether to call their attention-getting-scheme bluff... .  or to call 911 and get them into a psych ward under observation (which I have had to do to my soon-to-be-diagnosed BPD wife). You never want to make the wrong call.

You may try and get him to promise to call you if he's feeling suicidal, show that you are on his side.

[wdone]

i did that, thanks... .  

was your wife mad? did it help?

[wdone]

good news. (i think!)

he actually called me to see if i made it to the airport, and to tell me to have a good time.

he said he had some good moments today, and sounded calm. 

i hope it's not so he can do harm to himself, but i am thinking positive thoughts and i am grateful he called, and that he sounded ok.

i may just keep checking in throughout. it seems to help

thanks!

[wdone]

rrgh, he hasn't responded or called since wed.  except for a one word text--

i guess i need to let it go? not contact him for now?

i am feeling worried, and i do miss him.  it'd be nice to check in here and there, and tell him what we did today, ask him about his day... .  

(i hear other family members who are here, calling their SO's and having "normal," friendly talks daily.  i keep forgetting this is not normal, this relationship with a borderline... .  

(would like to see if he's still alive, and still in the town i left him in) half joking, but i am pretty anxious about it--at least when i have a few minutes of down time during the day, or especially right before bed, like now.

i've been really busy and enjoying myself. i guess i'm having expectations again... .  and wanting communication or connection, when he can't... .  

any advice/understanding would be great... .  thanks... .  

:'(

[patientandclear]

WD--maybe I've missed some details, but my understanding is things have been comparatively good the past few weeks, after a very rough period earlier this year when he went away for 6-7 weeks saying it was all over (which he's done before) and more recently him fleeing after you'd been close and threatening you w/a restraining order; but now you're on a trip w/o him and he's dysregulated apparently in connection w/that.  If I'm not missing some important facet, seems to me this is a good time to gently just keep showing him you are around & the light is green despite his mini-withdrawal. Any reason not to send daily messages just saying "thinking of you a lot & I love & miss you, really looking forward to seeing you?"

Your bf has very predictable extreme swings of contact & warmth and then distance, nominal rejection (RO threat, claim to be gone for good).  I don't think you can expect that to get much better, but at the same time, you know that pattern well, right? He's not gone, he's pushing b/c he's having a hard time w/caring about you so much & the implications of that.  You know this!  Under all the current circumstances, seems like calm reassurance from you is a perfectly good idea.

I know what you mean about the sudden reality check that it's not normal to need to check in to find out how far things are from the situation as you left it a few days ago.  That sense that everything could change in an instant would make me nauseous & make it impossible for me to sleep -- I was on an alert/startle state as if confrnted with a mortal threat -- when I was contemplating getting back together with my ex.  It doess omething strange to us to have to normalize that, no doubt about it.

[wdone]

thank you. i forget. i do need the reminder. 

i think i will keep texting with gentle messages that i love him, etc.

i never really know if he will really leave town, or hurt himself.  that's the tough part.

i'm trying to remember that he never has really hurt himself, or has left and moved away.



i'll hold onto the good, the past good stuff. i'll get grounded myself here (i'm visiting family, and it is very trying, to say the least... . )

thanks again 

[wdone]

(also, things have been GREAT... .  not comparatively well actually--i think they've been more wonderful than they ever have in the last few weeks!)

i'm always amazed at the level of intimacy, comfort and love we have... .  

[Grey Kitty]

wdone, sorry I didn't see this earlier when you were first asking about the suicide talk... .  sounds like it is a little late for that now... .  but there is a workshop about it:

BPD Behaviors: Depression and suicide ideation

Serious depression can occur under many circumstances but most commonly is present in two situations - sudden severe loss and long-term high stress levels. Depression is not necessarily about sadness... .  it's about faulty. defeated thinking.  Read more.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69192.0

I think you are handling this pretty well all told. Afterall, he is freaking out in a way that is designed to get under your skin... .  then going mostly NC and leaving you to worry.

I hope you are still enjoying your time with your family

GK

[wdone]

thanks!

he texted yesterday that he "has been triggered, and isn't talking too much presently," and then another "hope you have a good time."

SO- that was progress! and huge progress for me to see it as big progress for him!  he named it, and communicated it, and was honest. 

i'm a lot less worried... .  

i keep remembering my T said she thought he wouldn't do anything like that, that it was just talk and he gets frozen instead of taking any action like suicide or moving away.

i am trying to have a good time but it is family of origin, which comes many issues.

thanks for the reference, and support!

[pallavirajsinghani]

One option that can alleviate your anxiety and also check on him would be to call the police and request a "wellness check".  The law enforcement routinely does this when there is concern about a person's wellness.

Perhaps it is a viable action since there have been suicide threats (veiled or explicit, it does not matter, all suicide threats should be taken seriously and acted upon as if they are real).

Hope others will chime in with suggestions.

[wdone]

thanks, pallaviarajsinghani. i don't think my bf would ever forgive me if i did a wellness check, yet, trust me, i have thought about it more than a few times... .  i've been working more on letting go of control--it IS a very hard call sometimes. i am glad he has texted, etc or i may have done one.

[wdone]

So, my bf called me tonight after i sent a text asking if he'd be open to picking me up from the airport. he texted this morning saying he'd call or text tonight, and he DID. it kind of blew me away. maybe my expectations have gone from too high to too low.

anyway, i was so happy to hear from him, and i started telling him everything about my trip and then asked how he was and he said he was feeling triggered and needed to hang up, and he sounded pretty tense. 

i said ok, and i asked if he'd be able to pick me up and he said sure, and he had to hang up now as he was triggered. 

we hung up quickly and i was left feeling confused, guilty (like i had triggered him with too much information), and deflated... .  

i'm trying to remember he gets triggered no matter what, and that he had said he had been triggered all week, and we haven't even spoken since i left... .  

he asked me to call him back tonight with my flight info, and i did and he didn't answer.

i am assuming the advice i may get here is to find a different ride home---?

i want so badly for him to pick me up, for my bf to pick me up.

trying to remember the past, stay clear about his disorder--almost every ride TO the airport, whether it was him leaving, me leaving or both of us leaving, he would stress, rage, drive like a crazy man, etc.  i'm not sure about coming home FROM the airport--i think it was usually ok.

but, if he's triggered, you never know- and it's not a very short ride from the airport home.

i guess i should come up with a back up. 

disappointed tonight but trying to be happy that he called.

[Grey Kitty]

Ack! I hate being stuck in a car with somebody who is triggered and dysregulated. Uncomfortable and scary.

If you ask somebody else to pick you up at the airport, you could be rejecting him too. Sigh.

Do you have a good friend who can pinch-hit for a ride and understands something of your bf's issues? Getting that lined up sounds good to me.

Sigh. !#$!@# eggshells. I feel for you, wdone. 

[wdone]

thanks GK... .  

he texted me late last night and said he was sorry but he is not doing well, and i should come up with a back up ride plan please,

which is good that he was able to express that--and i am looking for a friend to do it... .  

i'm also suddenly very worried about him due to the suicide talk, and then him pulling back even more.

[wdone]

Ack! I hate being stuck in a car with somebody who is triggered and dysregulated. Uncomfortable and scary.

If you ask somebody else to pick you up at the airport, you could be rejecting him too. Sigh.

Do you have a good friend who can pinch-hit for a ride and understands something of your bf's issues? Getting that lined up sounds good to me.

Sigh. !#$!@# eggshells. I feel for you, wdone. 

i found a friend who understands, and is willing to be a back up.

i've been pretty worried all day, and it's hard to relax--wondering if he's ok. i did call him and left a message, and sent a follow up text, and have not heard back.

i did open up to some relatives here, and one told me that my grandfather used to have a lot of trouble when my grandmother left for vacation, or when they would go somewhere together as well.  he'd fake being sick, or pick a fight. hmmm.

he was a mean man much of the time, yet once told me in private how much he loved my grandmother and how afraid he was of losing her (to death or otherwise),and he even cried --only time i had ever seen him cry--

and the more i think about it, very similar behavior/emotions/patterns as my bf... .

[wdone]

i am so hopeful, and feel so relieved.

by the way, i think my whole lesson is to NOT REACT. how many times have i gotten myself all worked up... .  and all is fine... .  

so, he called this morning and asked what my flight number and arrival time was.  i told him and he said he'd be there.  i asked if he was ok, and he said

"no, not really, i am not trusting you, and having trust issues but i think it's just my trust and trauma issues, and in my head. i don't trust you right now, but i think it's my stuff."

i said, "that sound like good awareness!"

i also said "have a good day, and don't believe the lie."

and he really like that, and said "o.k., yeah... . "

i also think  he is relived that i am coming home... .  



wow. this stuff is crazy.  and i am so grateful for his awareness

[wdone]

i'll start a new thread--but last update here--

he picked me up from the airport (he was pretty anxious and sweaty from the drive, and trying to figure out parking etc), but we went out for dinner and had a wonderful weekend together--he has so much awareness--we had a fun time and lots of closeness. 

and, the first thing he told me is that he had "been insane" and that he had made an appointment to see his old T. (the one i don't think is qualified and doesn't have good boundaries) but i was grateful he took a step and was aware he needs help--so i broached the topic and said

"you MUST get help. you have to see a doctor and a psychiatrist this week, O.k.?"

and he said yes right away, and we had a calm discussion about it and he said several times he agrees with me that he needs help and that maybe he needs to be on meds.

then, today ,he freaked out again and "broke it off," to which i hardly reacted.   i just hope he hits a bottom (as i thought he did while i was gone) and gets help... .