Hopefully only a few more days of this...

[stopltracr]

Hi everyone, it's been a while since I've posted on here.  I've been close to leaving a few times since then but chickened out every time.  Things have been fairly peaceful but still far from good.  Going on 3 years without any physical intimacy.  She has had 3 affairs in the last 4 years although 3 of them were with the same guy and she hasn't talked to another man in over a year.

So current events.  I have not been able to get past the affairs and forgive her or trust her.  I recently had an affair of my own.  Nothing physical, just emotional through emails and phone calls.  Never really saw each other in person much.  She found one of the emails about a month ago.  There was a big fight and counseling.  I think everything has been building since then.  Yesterday she told me she wants a divorce because I never listen and I treat her like a piece of garbage.  I had to leave work for 3 hours to talk to her.  She told me to pack my things and get out.  Then she got upset because I was just leaving and not begging to stay.  Same old song and dance.  Ended with her being nice and giving me until Sunday to prove that I can treat her the way she deserves to be treated.  Last night the kids and I were helping her clean.  There was a piece of cantaloupe on the counter and she told me to throw it away because she is allergic to it.  I said "I thought that was a ball or I would have".  She told me I was talking back and arguing and that I blew my chance and to get out.  So I get a suitcase and start packing and then we have a talk with the kids about how we are getting a divorce and I', leaving.  It all ended with her giving me another chance and then we went vacuum shopping.  So today I'm already nervous about what I'm going to get when I call her this morning.  Hopefully only a few more days of this until she pulls through and becomes more "normal".  Going through this crap a couple times a year is so stressful and draining.

Thanks for letting me vent and it's nice to know that I'm not alone going through this.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[yeeter]

vent away tracr!

I will assume you recognize the see saw up and down pattern you are on.  Its not healthy, nor productive (you know this).  By responding to her tactics, you are reinforcing them as valid and training her that they work.  Also there is likely a certain comfort to her that she can control you and get the response she wants with her behavior.

Just some observations to think about, dont let that stop you from venting!

[stopltracr]

vent away tracr!

I will assume you recognize the see saw up and down pattern you are on.  Its not healthy, nor productive (you know this).  By responding to her tactics, you are reinforcing them as valid and training her that they work.  Also there is likely a certain comfort to her that she can control you and get the response she wants with her behavior.

Just some observations to think about, dont let that stop you from venting!

I know, you're exactly right.  All I've accomplished is reinforcing that she can bully and threaten her way into getting what she wants out of me.  I think the only reason I gave in this time is that it was the first time I really felt like she would have followed through on the threats.  I see now that I was wrong about that too.  I guess knowing that I had actually made a mistake and caused all this crossed my mind too.  It's just so tiring having to always be so careful and analyze everything you say and do before you do it to try and minimize the impact on them.  Thanks for listening.

[stopltracr]

And today we are back to pretending it never happened and everything is fine.  I was smart this time and got some recordings of her rages and she actually did some of it over email and text. 

[waverider]

You need to work out what you really want and live/act accordingly. At the moment you are behaving to reactively. Your decisions and actions need to be taken more objectively. You need to find your own stability.

Allowing her to give you a chance is handing power to an unstable mind.

Dont act like you are happy to just walk out the door unless you are.

She is acting like a crazy driver behind a wheel. You are acting like a hitched trailer swinging equally all over the place and always behind and adding to the instability of the whole. Unhitch and drive alongside, she then has a choice to continue along side you or not. Your path becomes more stable.

[daylily]

She is acting like a crazy driver behind a wheel. You are acting like a hitched trailer swinging equally all over the place and always behind and adding to the instability of the whole. Unhitch and drive alongside, she then has a choice to continue along side you or not. Your path becomes more stable.

I'm sure you've heard me say this before waverider, but I love your analogies.  They really help to drive your point home (pun intended). 

[stopltracr]

I know, usually I'm a lot better with boundaries and the last year has been pretty calm.  I guess this time I faltered because I felt responsible because of the affair.  I guess I felt like I deserved to take all her hate because I did hurt her.  I know it isn't right and probably set all the work of the last year back quite a bit.