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Q for Decade or Longer Relationships - Advice?
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Topic: Q for Decade or Longer Relationships - Advice? (Read 442 times)
tiff
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Posts: 72
Q for Decade or Longer Relationships - Advice?
«
on:
May 19, 2013, 03:37:49 PM »
For those who have managed to hang on for a lot of years - what advice would you go back and give yourself years ago? Separate bank accounts? Don't have kids? What knowledge would have made your life easier?
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This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.
Vindi
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Living together
Posts: 674
Re: Q for Decade or Longer Relationships - Advice?
«
Reply #1 on:
May 19, 2013, 03:42:38 PM »
trust the red flags, and exit sooner... . don't let my codependency get in the way... . be stronger and truer to myself and not worry about what my uBPD bf thinks... . yes , I am going on 8 plus years and joined this wonderful site last year... . and no kids for us!
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VeryFree
Formerly known as 'VeryScared' and 'ABitAnnoyed'
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 549
Re: Q for Decade or Longer Relationships - Advice?
«
Reply #2 on:
May 19, 2013, 04:02:32 PM »
Maybe if I had known about BPD and could have worked together with my stbxBPDw on her issues and my issues, things would have been better, but I can never tell.
Therefore, looking back at the past 10 years I would say: exit earlier, much earlier.
And if exiting wasn't an option:
- be as independent as possible (own bankaccounts, no splitting incomes, agreements in writing)
- have a life besides the r/s (own friends, own things to do)
- trust a few other people and share your stories
- have an exiting-strategy
- be prepared to leave and loose everything.
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4now
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: married 10 years
Posts: 179
Re: Q for Decade or Longer Relationships - Advice?
«
Reply #3 on:
May 19, 2013, 06:37:36 PM »
Fabulous question!
I have said this to myself a hundred times, I would have put my foot down and would have drawn some really clear boundaries. Although, truthfully, this would have only saved me heart ache. It wouldn't have affected the outcome, I don't believe.
I have been married 10+ years, only finding out about BPD within the last year. I look back now and think about when I should have walked away when it first got really bad. I would have started working on myself right away, instead of thinking "if I only do this or that" to save the relationship. I would have made myself a life and a livelihood so that I would be where I could just walk away right now. I would have let him deal with his stuff and not let him make it my stuff.
I would have put my hope and faith in the one thing I can count on: ME!
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arabella
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 723
Re: Q for Decade or Longer Relationships - Advice?
«
Reply #4 on:
May 19, 2013, 07:26:39 PM »
Ooh - interesting thread!
Background: together with dBPDh for 12+ years, married for 5+, still together, no kids
Advice to former self:
- research BPD and how to cope sooner rather than later
- keep a separate bank account with emergency funds
- pay attention to what professionals are telling pwBPD, don't assume every doctor is good at his/her job
- work on codependency issues (this encompasses SO MUCH)
- establish clear boundaries
- make sure pwBPD's 'stuff' stays in his corner, don't try to fix or control it
- stay far away from pwBPD's issues with his FOO
- do not engage the FOOs (mine or his), it will just muddy the waters
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