Q for Decade or Longer Relationships - Advice?

[tiff]

For those who have managed to hang on for a lot of years - what advice would you go back and give yourself years ago?  Separate bank accounts?  Don't have kids?  What knowledge would have made your life easier?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Vindi]

trust the red flags, and exit sooner... .  don't let my codependency get in the way... .  be stronger and truer to myself and not worry about what my uBPD bf thinks... .  yes , I am going on 8 plus years and joined this wonderful site last year... .  and no kids for us!

[VeryFree]

Maybe if I had known about BPD and could have worked together with my stbxBPDw on her issues and my issues, things would have been better, but I can never tell.

Therefore, looking back at the past 10 years I would say: exit earlier, much earlier.

And if exiting wasn't an option:

- be as independent as possible (own bankaccounts, no splitting incomes, agreements in writing)

- have a life besides the r/s (own friends, own things to do)

- trust a few other people and share your stories

- have an exiting-strategy

- be prepared to leave and loose everything.

[4now]

Fabulous question!

I have said this to myself a hundred times, I would have put my foot down and would have drawn some really clear boundaries.  Although, truthfully, this would have only saved me heart ache.  It wouldn't have affected the outcome, I don't believe.

I have been married 10+ years, only finding out about BPD within the last year.  I look back now and think about when I should have walked away when it first got really bad.  I would have started working on myself right away, instead of thinking "if I only do this or that" to save the relationship.   I would have made myself a life and a livelihood so that I would be where I could just walk away right now. I would have let him deal with his stuff and not let him make it my stuff.  

I would have put my hope and faith in the one thing I can count on: ME!

[arabella]

Ooh - interesting thread!

Background: together with dBPDh for 12+ years, married for 5+, still together, no kids

Advice to former self:

- research BPD and how to cope sooner rather than later

- keep a separate bank account with emergency funds

- pay attention to what professionals are telling pwBPD, don't assume every doctor is good at his/her job

- work on codependency issues (this encompasses SO MUCH)

- establish clear boundaries

- make sure pwBPD's 'stuff' stays in his corner, don't try to fix or control it

- stay far away from pwBPD's issues with his FOO

- do not engage the FOOs (mine or his), it will just muddy the waters