Recovery plateau

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Anyone else feel like they just haven't progressed in healing in awhile? The first 2 months after the breakup I was a complete mess and then months 3-4 I didn't really have meltdowns anymore but still a lot of sadness. I thought I was making progress. Now I'm 6 months out and there still hasn't been 1 day I haven't thought of my uBPDex and I feel like I haven't really improved in the last 3 months. Honestly, part of me feels like I'm starting to regress a little bit. Frustrating.

[me757]

Anyone else feel like they just haven't progressed in healing in awhile? The first 2 months after the breakup I was a complete mess and then months 3-4 I didn't really have meltdowns anymore but still a lot of sadness. I thought I was making progress. Now I'm 6 months out and there still hasn't been 1 day I haven't thought of my uBPDex and I feel like I haven't really improved in the last 3 months. Honestly, part of me feels like I'm starting to regress a little bit. Frustrating.

[leftbehind]

Hi me757

I can't answer your question, as I am only out of the relationship 2 months now.  Just wanted to show support to you.  I'm feeling pretty sad myself right now.  Just know that you deserve better.  Wishing you a good day really soon (and myself as well).

[Validation78]

Hi Me!

Sorry to hear that you are feeling the way you are, it's hard, I know! Be proud that you are continuing on your healing path!

What kind of routine have you established for yourself?

What do you do to show yourself love and care?

Are you seeing a T and or sharing with friends?

Have you taken this time to do some self reflection?


Best Wishes,

Val78

[marbleloser]

I remember that feeling. It gets better in time. Sometimes I think of exBPDgf.Usually something happens that triggers a memory.Then,I'm done. It happens. They were a part of our life and it had a big impact on us.Don't expect it to just go away.Accept it,acknowledge the thought,and then go about your business.

[me757]

I don't really have a routine. Not really sure what I do to show myself love and care. Not seeing a T but I definitely have talked about the situation with friends. That has helped. I've done some self reflection but I don't know why I'm still drawn to this person who seems to cheat on everybody she's ever been with.

A problem I've found is that there are so many triggers. We did a lot together. Even my place can be a trigger. Lately it hasn't been as much of a problem but next week marks the year anniversary of us meeting so maybe that is what is starting to get me down. I also just finished school so suddenly I have a lot of free time. That is probably the main problem.

Thanks leftbehind. Hope you have a good day as well. Glad you found this site. I didn't find it until about 3 months out.

[Validation78]

Hi Me!

I can only speak from my own experience, and what worked (s) for me. I try to be very regimented with a daily routine so I know what to expect each day, so it is full, leaving little time to ruminate about my marriage. I plan things to keep myself busy, and when I'm not busy, I do something for myself to remind myself that I am good, and worthy of love and peace. I buy myself flowers, I treat myself to nice dinners, I go to a fencing class, I listen to my favorite music, I take my dog for walks. I find that routine brings me comfort, and it's not the same routine I had with stbx. It's the start of a new life. I see friends more, and I enjoy coming home again! I have also continued with my T. In fact, the one we went to together. She has validated my feelings, and has really helped me to accept what has happened, so I question things less.

I expect there to be moments, like anniversaries, when I will feel like you do, sad for what will never be. However, so far, I have quickly replaced the thought with something unpleasant about my relationship, and the sadness fades rather quickly. We have to find a methodology that works for us, to get us through the rough days. Replace the things you did together with something else, or invite someone else to do them with. Move your furniture around so it isn't the same place anymore. Shake things up a bit, and keep reminding yourself, there is something better out there for you!

Can you think of any ways to incorporate any of the things that I do into your own life?

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Billa]

well, my r/s ended two months ago. I've passed through a lot of different phases, often too confused to be properly defined. In these days, after a very dark period (two weeks, more or less) I feel a little better, but stiil he is my prevalent thought. That's more, if in the first stages I tried to keep NC, now I need to have some kind of connection with him. Yersterday night, for example, I could't help watching the beginning of the match he was commenting on tv... .  some days ago, I "accidentally" changed program in the middle of another match, and heard his voice for some seconds... .  yersterday night I finally saw his face and "decided" he was not ok (denial?). And this is happening  during days that are giving me some relief, I'm the first who is not able to understand... .  

[eniale]

My break up was a little over 3 months ago.  It was horrible; although he was difficult he was suddenly much easier to get along with -- then told me "I met someone" but did not want to break up; wanted a threesome!  I never saw it coming.  My therapist recommended St. John's Wort for depression.  My family doctor said it works for some, not all.  Besides devastation, I could not eat.  Had to check with pharmacist to see if I could take with 2 other meds I take.  It did work and my appetite returned.  I find that recovery is uneven -- 2 steps forward, 1 back.  sometimes when I take a step forward, the next day I find I have lost some of my denial and can face a painful fact I had denied.  Other times, after moving forward, next day I have great sadness.  What has helped the most are a few things:  I recognize he is a "bottomless pit" there will never be enough women, money, or friends to fill him up.  (When I refused the "threesome" he actually wanted to "remain best friends"!)  Also, monitor your thoughts.  When I find myself thinking of all the sweet things he used to say, I stop myself:  and realize that while he meant them when he said them, he is, by his own admission (he told me "you need a stable guy" UNSTABLE.  Like a flag that blows in the wind, one day he means what he says, next day changes his mind.  Also not trustworthy; truth is a VARIABLE with him.  Helps to remember that.  Also, when you are down, remember all the bad, bad things about the relationship.  I read somewhere on these posts that BPD people substitute intensity for intimacy.  That certainly was my experience.  Sad, but you (and I and all the other folks on here) deserve better.  My ex also had commitment phobia.  It can exist along with BPD.  Excellent book is "Men Who Can't Love" -- the authors followed it up with "She's Scared, He's Scared" as they realized women can also be commitment phobic.  these people break up when things are GOOD, not when they are bad.  Try to stay positive.  I joined new activities, met new people.  Still have sad, lonely days, but have had some "break-throughs" as well where I feel I make progress.  We were together for over a year so I think I will need a year to come out of this.  First month was definitely the worst.  Monitor your thoughts and don't dwell on the "words you love to cling to."  If they were written, they are not worth the paper they were written on.  These folks do not think as we do.  In my case, he could "fall in and out of love" he just was incapable of being in love or staying in love.  Hang in there.  Good luck!

[leftbehind]

I'm finding this thread very helpful.  Thank you to me757 for starting it. 

Eniale, I also found your comments especially helpful.

When I find myself thinking of all the sweet things he used to say, I stop myself:  and realize that while he meant them when he said them, he is, by his own admission (he told me "you need a stable guy" UNSTABLE.  Like a flag that blows in the wind, one day he means what he says, next day changes his mind.  Also not trustworthy; truth is a VARIABLE with him. 

This is so very helpful to me personally.  All day yesterday I kept thinking to myself, "He's so unstable.  It's best that he's out of my life."  You are echoing my thoughts exactly.

[me757]

I'll just have to incorporate a lot of new things. Fencing could be cool to try actually. I made the mistake of sharing a lot of my favorite things with her. Might need to clean the slate for awhile.