Really Bad Day - please keep me in your prayers

[leftbehind]

Today something told me to go on my ex's facebook page.  I had been avoiding doing so for the last three weeks.  I saw my replacement.  She is someone that he is friends with and sleeps with between breakups.  I know of her because while we were dating I asked him to get tested, and then asked when the last time he had sex was before the test (to make sure enough time had passed for certain things to be an accurate read).  He mentioned that he had sex with two female friends of his post breakup and before we got together.  I asked if it was a certain facebook friend who always commented on his posts, and he admitted she was one of the women.

When he broke up with me, and I drove up to his house to confront him, crying hysterically, the only nasty thing I said was, "Now you can go be with hit"  because I knew he would be.  He said to me, "I don't want to be with anyone right now."  I knew he'd go right back to being sex friends with her.  I knew that he was probably sick of being in a relationship and wanted to be free to be with different women, and so this is confirming my intuition.

The part that was a heartbreaker was that he had made me three paintings - one before we got together, and two during our time together.  Now I saw on facebook that he replicated one of the paintings he gave me and gave it to her.  And it's the same MO.  Giving a painting is his way of courting you.  It's part of the process.  At least that gave me the strength today to destroy all the paintings he made me and throw them out, something I couldn't do till now because I loved them so much, and knew he would never make me another.

The part that pisses me off is he didn't have to go out of his way to convince me that I was the one (his words), that this is it (his words), that I was his "soulmate" (his words), that this is a very long term relationship (his words), that I was the only woman on the planet for him (his words), that he got glimpses of our past lives together when we made love (again, his words).

It disarmed me.  It made me lower my guard.  It seemed like everything I ever hoped for. 

My boundaries were that I needed to know that the relationship was exclusive if I am to have sex, and the other person needs to get tested.  That's it.  I didn't ask for the other stuff.  HE DIDN'T HAVE TO LIE!

I'm a big girl.  I could have handled stating my boundaries, having them be honored, and then having a relationship and seeing where it went.  There was no need to completely and systematically get me to lower all my shields, promise me a future, and then leave abruptly with no explanation other than, "I've had a spiritual awakening, and our energies don't match anymore."

Please pray for me and send me good thoughts.  I need to move on from this nightmare.  It's had me obsessed for the last two months straight.  Thanks for any support, prayers, comments etc.

[asher2]

leftbehind... .  I'm so sorry that you are hurting. It sucks... .  finding out that things that you thought were special between the two of you were just part of his MO hurts big time. My ex did the exact same thing. The way I caught her cheating was she left her email open at my place and I discovered she wrote an email to my replacement saying that she wanted to go to all these different local attractions with him. She named them all, one by one and you guessed it, they were what I thought were "special" places for us. "Our" places. Nope... .  apparently not. When I was hurting horribly like you are now, I told someone about this and she told me "You should take this as a compliment. She's obviously looking for someone to replace you."

As others have said on this site, try not to take it personally. If he is BPD, he's only doing what he knows to do to survive within his own mind which is a daily battle beyond what we nons can imagine. The great times you shared with him did in fact happen and they were real... .  as real as they could be with someone who has a mental illness. It really isn't that he's trying to hurt you or take anything away from your relationship, he just thinks on a totally different level. Again, he's trying to survive daily.

As much as you may not want to hear it, hang in there and go through the pain. I promise, you will come out of all of this a much stronger person.

[Vegasskydiver]

I am so very sorry for the pain that you are feeling.  It has been over three months of no contact and I am haunted everyday.  My exBPDbf discarded me abrubptly after three years.  He has done this before and came crawling back but I have made up my mind that I will NEVER allow him to hurt me again.  This requires that I never see him again.  I love him and miss him every day, but I love me more.  The pain really hurts and I hope to be free of it one day.  I hope that we are all free from these monsters.  I will pray for you and hope that you can put this behind you and be at peace with yourself.

[Siamese Rescue]

I truly want to go back and live in the era of no Facebook.  I think I loathe Facebook.  I'm so sorry that you feel this way, however keep something in mind.  I mentioned this at a support group tonight. All the time he and I spent together, the trips the holidays, the special tender moments, the boxes of cards, the kisses, everything... .  meant nothing to him when he was ready to throw me away.  SO, given that, all the paintings this guy could give to this new woman doesn't mean anything... .  because he'll do the same thing to her.  Your replacement might get the good stuff right now, but your "replacement" will also be on the receiving end of his cruel punishments and she will be thrown away when her time is up. 

Someone else is sitting in your seat, no doubt, however they don't realize it's a seat where the bottom falls out with no warning... .  

Still, I understand your pain. I'm thinking of you.

[Sharkey167]

Very sorry to hear that  Facebook is evil.

Like others have said, we all have to remind ourselves that these people the go after are just the next victims. The next person won't get some prize that you missed out on. THey are seeing what you saw at first. The fake. They are with someone who isn't even real. But as you know soon they will see the monster inside.

Hang in there! 

[leftbehind]

Thank you to everyone that responded.  Writing here and reading everyone's replies helped me get through the rest of today.   

[patientandclear]

Leftbehind ... .  ugh.

Even though I too generally loathe FB, I don't think it was unhelpful here.  I think this information is useful.  It was useful for me to figure out just now, more than 18 months later, that my ex took his former gf whom he moved on to right after me, to a festival the day after he went with me, one week after I was the woman he loved and wanted to "go through time with," and lied to me about it.

There is a level of betrayal here, and an emptiness in what felt like the most meaningful gestures one could possibly receive, that helps with detachment.  At least, it's helping me.  I hope it helps you.  Because ... .  f*** that.

But I completely hear you about "why did he have to tell me all these things."  This is what does all the damage, it seems to me -- as you say, "it disarmed me, it lowered my guard, it seemed like everything I'd ever hoped for."  Yes, exactly.  This is what, in the end, I really cannot forgive my ex, and yours, for.  Creating this impression that we were so unique, so special, so precious to them ... .  that this was so important -- that it got us to lower our guard and put them in a position where they could really really do harm.  This kind of betrayal of fundamental promises by someone you trust is traumatizing.

I told my ex at the very beginning that I was scared, because at the time I'd been by myself for 5 years after an awful marriage, and I was really happy, and there was no other person who was in a position to destroy my happiness.  He reassured me -- he used to ask about "you being scared" frequently.  Then too, he would often have moments where he expressed fear that I would decide I didn't want him, and I would rush to reassure him that that would certainly never happen.  The whole atmosphere is one in which the abandonment and betrayal is unthinkable.

Even a lot further out than you (though only 2 months from the most recent betrayal when he essentially abandoned our post r/s friendship), I am finding it therapeutic to let the details of the betrayal with the woman who came after me really sink in.  It helps to convince me of the inherent emptiness of what I've lost.  I hope in time this discovery works the same way for you.   

[maria1]

Wise words P & C

Leftbehind I think you are on a good path. As painful as it is it actually helps to unearth the lies. Imagine if you had never seen that painting and still imagined he had only done those for you. As painful as it is it is actually helpful to imagine how many other women he has created that same painting for?

Whenever I remember incredibly special things my ex said or did for me I imagine him doing them to multiple other women. And I imagine him hurting those women and moving along. Because that is what he does. And I was absolutely certain that this man was the most special person I had ever met for a very long time. He was; he is. He is disordered.

This acceptance of reality is incredibly hard. Because you and I and people on these boards cannot possibly fathom how people can lie in the way that people with BPD can. It is impossible to accept it in our minds so we don't accept it, and that makes us easy prey.

I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through but I feel very sure that you will come out of this a stronger and wiser person. Please keep posting. 

[leftbehind]

To all the ladies - it sounds like we all dated the same guy!  I guess whether male or female, the BPD person "disarms through charm."  Sort of like how the vampire is so seductive, and then you find yourself under their hypnotic spell.

I am starting to think (although I don't want to believe it) that my exBPDbf only dated me so as to move forward professionally.  I had been doing what he wanted to start moving into for 22 years.  I do it full time, he wanted to move into it part time.  It is a very unique profession that there are really no official schools for, you really need to be mentored into it by someone.  I think he wanted to become like me, so he dated me.  He soaked up information from me.  He soaked up marketing info and business ideas.  He soaked up all the support and encouragement I could give him.  He used to ask me to explain certain things to him.  I think he even copied my style of speaking and spiritual practices to a certain extent.  I had also put him in touch with other people in the field, and he was mirroring them as well.  I think he got to a point where he assimilated so much from me that it felt like his, and then he started to mirror others more.  He was done mirroring me and so he cast me aside.

I think the one he is playing with right now doesn't really want him as a full time boyfriend, so I don't think he'll hurt her like he did me.  I just wish he hadn't felt the need to disarm me so, because then maybe I could have handled whatever connection we had without getting devastated.  But he  had a need to make me completely trust him, then he pulled out the rug from under me in a really abrupt way.  When I think about it, I feel that this is how he demonstrates his anger toward "Mommy."  Get in close enough so a woman will truly feel devastated when he does his disappearing act.  It's the ultimate control.

I don't understand why I had to go through this experience. Trying to find the meaning in it all. 

[maria1]

I had to go through my BPD experience to understand I keep choosing relationships that aren't reciprocal. And that's because I never in my life saw a healthy one. My parents appeared very right on and healthy in their day but they were pretty selfish when it came to raising children, my father particularly so. All that really mattered were his needs. Yet he wasn't abusive. He appeared to be the nicest, gentlest man anyone could meet. He never told me he loved me and he never really noticed much about me except the negative stuff.

My story is quite long but I never really got how dysfunctional my family was and how messed up I am until my BPD relationship. That relationship brought me to my knees but it has and will be the making of me. I am now NC and hope to remain that way.

I am glad you are here with us.

[patientandclear]

Leftbehind, I have that same creepy feeling sometimes about why my ex chose me.  I was above him in our office (before he left ... .  because, he leaves) and was someone in that field that he admired.  I thought we had so much in common.  A few months after he split with me though, he started picking fights with me about these very interests and values I thought bonded us together.  Yes, initially, he was weirdly into my title and status, something I never even think about.

Regarding the paintings, I wanted to share a wry observation from a therapist I was seeing last year.  My ex watched two movies with me that he owned -- he said he was saving them to watch with the woman he was going to marry.  (Awww!)  The night we watched them, he carried me across the threshold into his bedroom when we were ready to go to bed.  (Awww!)  It was Big Deal.  (The movies are a pair of popular films about a couple who has an intense r/s for one day and then are lost to one another for ten years, and reunite, with an uncertain outcome.  Perhaps you can guess the names.  There is a third movie in the sequence coming out now in which they are in fact together.  When I saw the preview for it the other night, it made me feel kind of sick.)

When I watched these movies with my ex, I commented at the end "I don't think anyone understands how to do this stuff" (meaning relationships).  He gave me an enormous hug and said "thank you so much for saying that."  I had no idea what he was talking about.  Now I do.

Anyway ... .  after he left me & I was brought to my knees by it, I was explaining to the T all these amazing things he shared with me that were so special, like, you know, the movies he'd been saving to share with the woman he was going to marry.  The T looked at me and said "oh really?  Were they still in cellophane?"  And of course his point was -- look, he tells that to all the girls.  Awful.  But I'm sure it was true.  I've learned since that he told the subsequent gf the same story as he told me -- that he hadn't been able to make it work with any other woman (including me, now, though I don't know that they discussed me) because it was really her he was pining away for all the time.   

For what it's worth, I am certain at the time they say & do these things, they want it to be true.  You know?  It isn't a trick.  I do think there is a degree of responsibility in seeing the pattern and not recognizing that you yourself are the problem.  I mean, how many times can you hear this stuff come out of your mouth ... .  how many meaningful paintings can you paint ... .  before it dawns on you that this is messed up?  And that there's a huge human cost?  But.  I don't think it is a lie at the time.  It's wishful thinking.  Just lazy, desperate, undisciplined wishful thinking.  Their technique for getting others to let them in is brilliant though.  "Only you.  You only.  Only you can get this/help me/understand me.  This is so important."  It's a potent cocktail.

[patientandclear]

Also, I too am searching for the "why."  I think the question of why people stay in r/s with pwBPD may be about choosing relationships that are not reciprocal.  But that of course is not how these present at the beginning, and you aren't staying or trying to stay.  So I don't think that is necessarily the lesson here.  Actually, these men appear incredibly emotionally available.  I actually told my friends I was finally dating someone, ahem, healthy and competent.  Yep.

(In my case I chose to go back to a friendship with this person and signed up again without realizing it for more hurt, and have had difficulty figuring out what I want to do about that.  Lots to analyze there.  But I don't think the initial attraction is subject to the same critique.)

I'm with you that I'm not quite sure what you or I or many folks on here did to deserve this special brand of disillusionment and abandonment.  I'm not at all sure there are lessons, other than to be more skeptical next time someone tells you it is "only you."  Unless you stay for abuse of some sort -- that is another conversation.

[LetItBe]

Dear leftbehind, I'm sending you lots of  .  I can imagine how I'd feel if I saw that.  I feel queasy just thinking about it.  I'm so glad my ex doesn't use FB -- although, if I could step back and see it as "data" fitting into the bigger picture, perhaps it could actually be useful in further detaching.  I know I'd feel a lot of hurt before I could fully process it, though.

Our ex's do share some similarities!  Maybe your ex is like mine in that he never knows how he's going to feel from one moment to the next.  He "lives in the moment" (his words).  I believe that my ex felt the feelings he expressed to me, all the love, the hopes for the future, etc.  However, I believe he'd freak himself out when he'd talk about future plans w/me.  It was very predictable that he'd pull away HARD after saying certain things to me, especially speaking about our future house or our future restaurant.  These were HIS ideas.  At first, when hearing these things, I'd feel so excited.  Eventually, though, I'd brace myself for what would happen next.  It's so hard, the BPD roller-coaster.

Hope you're finding the support you need.  I'm also glad you're here!

[eniale]

So sorry.  I know the pain you are in.  But it did spur you on to throw out the paintings.  Hopefully, it also made you realize just how shallow his "love" is.  I am 3 months post break-up and it's been hard.  We met in Jan. 2012.  Just last night I came across his Valentine's Day card from 2012.  It read "On Our First Valentine's Day."  He did not just sign it "love" but signed it "I Love You!"  We broke up on Feb. 7th of this year.  Reason:  he "met someone."  He had swept me off my feet when we first met.  Told me "I want us to belong to each other for the rest of our lives!"  Also said "I never thought I would ever feel this way again about someone; I thought all that was behind me!"  And "We were meant for each other!"  He also said "As far as other women, you have NOTHING to worry about!"  I found out he met "her" in early Dec.  After he met her, but before he told me about her, he said "I don't want you to see or call your ex-SO, I want you all to MYSELF!"  This was while he was establishing a new relationship with her. By the way, he didn't want to break up with me, he thought we could be a jolly threesome.  I told him at the beginning of our relationship that for me to have an intimate relationship, it had to be exclusive.  Actually, coming across the Valentine's Day card helped to further clarify his instability to me.  No doubt he sent her a card this year that said "I Love You!" and perhaps next year it will be someone else.  He "found" her just when things were the best ever between us.  You might want to read "Men Who Can't Love" (later the author wrote another book to include women who can't love) -- it is about commitment phobia, which I researched can co-exist with BPD.  It helped me a lot as I could not understand why this happened when it did.  We had a lot of plans for this year, families knew and liked each other, etc.  I know it hurts TERRIBLY -- a broken heart is the worst hurt of all, but you must stop obsessing over the wonderful things he said that touched your heart.  He probably meant them when he said them, but he is UNSTABLE and will do this over, and over, and over again, leaving a string of heartbroken women.  Very destructive behavior.  You must think of all the hurt he has caused you.  Anger is a healthier emotion, I think, then sadness.  Good luck!  Others care about you and what you are going through.

[confetti]

you are in my prayers =nhit_n=

i am very sorry this happened to you,

i had the same incident and same feelings a few months ago with no support at all.

someone i was hanging out with was looking at his page and i saw a few new pictures. thank god none of them were with anything out of the blue but im super positive that's a facade too.

i was honestly probably the weakest person with no support. very sentimental. i cried over junk and to get my junk BACK. it was just for stringing.

eventually i kept gifts and stuff that were expensive that I could put use to. these things no longer have lingering memories its just a bunch of stuff. his jacket is just a jacket. it belongs to a shell of someone i knew so who cares.

you have all of us to help you and i want to be here to help you; i know what it feels like without that support and it is comforting to have a supporting foundation. that's what we all thought our partner would give us so we need it the most.

remind yourself that are strong and indestructable !

[confetti]

you are* >hit<!

[Billa]

just a few words to say you're not alone. We all know how horrible it is. A big hug.

[leftbehind]

You all are just amazing in the amount of support you show .  I truly appreciate it.  I believe that finding this forum is the thing that has kept me from calling or emailing him, or showing up at the places I know he's working (the main one is a place that I worked for on and off for 22 years, but I now consider it "his" territory, and told the owner I'm never coming back.)

Eniale, I know that book.  It's a good one, and I definitely believe he has big time commitmentphobia. 

Maria1, I re-entered therapy because of this break-up, and my therapist (who swears my ex is classic BPD) thinks both of my parents are BPD as well.  It's also made me look at any traits that I might have, but she assures me that while everyone has some traits that I'm not BPD, because I have insight into my thoughts and actions.  I'm also not impulsive and don't break up on a whim.  But yes, I'm definitely motivated to do my inner work right now.  Maybe I will be in a better place at the end of this journey.

Confetti, I'm so sorry that you've gone through a similar loss, and that you didn't have the support you needed at the time.  At least now we all have each other.

NonGF  "Maybe your ex is like mine in that he never knows how he's going to feel from one moment to the next.  He "lives in the moment" (his words).  I believe that my ex felt the feelings he expressed to me, all the love, the hopes for the future, etc.  However, I believe he'd freak himself out when he'd talk about future plans w/me."

EXACTLY!

Patientandclear - what can I say?  Our stories parallel so closely.  This is really rough stuff.  My ex was wonderful to me until the end.  My friends would comment on how I was never happier.  One of my male friends observed that this relationship had none of the angst that past relationships held for me.  So yes, still trying to sort out the lessons.

Thanks and hugs for all of you terrific ladies, and to the guys who gave their support as well

[leftbehind]

thank you, Billa

[Billa]

thank you, Billa

here with you :-)