What happened with the couPles therapist? Is there a second appt booked? Can the therapist help him understand you can't fix him?
There is benefit in sharing your experience with him and supporting his growth (not fixing, just sharing/supporting... . but language can be imprecise) DBT or not, along with what you have learned since.
Is the couples therapist familiar with treating BPD symptoms?
You guys could read the High Conflict Couple together and go through a DBT workbook together WITH the help of the therapist... .
Feeling you are a team will probably be soothing to him.
Is he willing to return to the couples therapist?
The therapist has worked with BPD people before, although not very many.
His mom didn't have much luck, but he came home a couple of hours ago and we talked some more. We have a second appointment booked for next week, and he said we can keep it so that is good.
He did have me talk about what I went through, and I made sure to explain that I do not recommend that he try to do it that way. It was so hard, and took a lot of work. I told him how many times I thought I would fail and how I had to stick notes all over the house with pictures of my S to keep at it. From what I've read DBT sounds a whole lot better. Once I worded my refusal from the perspective of "I'm trying to protect you because I don't understand and I don't want to cause more harm than good" he was a lot more receptive (he's afraid of mental and emotional pain). I told him that I'm afraid that I would accidentally hurt him (he understands fear really well), and that because I love him I don't want to risk hurting him.
The response was "Well, why didn't you just tell me that begin with?" Ugh.
At least he's willing to go back to the therapist. I told him I will do DBT with him if he'd like. It certainly wouldn't hurt, and that idea appeals to him.