Therapy appointment did not go as expected and now I'm in the doghouse. ugh. :(

[StayingWithHim]

So this morning we had our first appointment for couples therapy. Everything started off great, but then when the therapist started asking questions about my personal history something came out that I had not yet confided to my BPDbf. I know I shouldn't have kept it from it from him, but I really didn't think it would helpful for him to know right now, and I was right.

The fact is, I was diagnosed with BPD years ago when I was in my early 20s. I went through therapy and have been living a "normal" life for almost a decade now. Even though I have not had any problems with it for years I still would not consider myself cured, but managed.

I hadn't discussed that bit of history with my bf because I want him to get the help he needs from a professional, and I was scared that if he knew it would cause him to not want to go to a therapist. I was right. As soon as we got in the car he said, "Well, one good thing about it, we can save some money now. You can fix me!" He was happy and excited about this idea! I just stared at him in disbelief! "No, no, no. Honey I love you, but I CAN'T fix you! I can't fix ANYBODY. I'm not a therapist." He was silent all the way home.

When we got home he asked me why I say I can't do it. I tried to explain that I don't understand this disorder from the outside looking in. Everybody is different. Situations are different. I'm not trained to do what he wants me to do. I can be there for support like I have been, but I can't do more than that.

End result: He went to his mom's for the day saying that I obviously don't love him as much as I say I do or else I would want to fix him.

I can understand that he may be upset that I kept that piece of knowledge from him. What I don't know is how to get through to him that my refusal to try to take the place of a therapist has nothing to do with not loving him. It's because I DO love him that I feel he needs a professional. How do I convey that in a way that won't trigger him?

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[StayingWithHim]

I know, replying to my own post. 

His mom just emailed me so that he wouldn't hear her on the phone and asked what happened. I told her and she suggested that maybe if I just told him about the therapy I went through it would be enough to appease him. I explained that there's nothing to tell. I turned on my son one day when he was about 3 (not physically, but I did yell for a long time), and at that point I stepped back and said "I need help". All my therapist did was have me talk. No meds were given, and there was no DBT (I hadn't even heard of that till I started researching recently for my bf). I was told to just become more aware of my own thoughts and feelings and control them. That's it. It was really hard, it sucked, and it took a very long time. I also told her that for my own mental health I really don't think putting me in this position is a good idea. I've heard that people can relapse and I do not want to take that risk. I went through the whole thing again of explaining that I don't understand BPD from the outside because it's a different viewpoint, and that I've even joined an online support group because I have so much trouble understanding it and what to do.

She messaged back that she would try to explain it without setting him off and see if it helps. We shall see.

[MaybeSo]

What happened with the couPles therapist? Is there a second appt booked? Can the therapist help him understand you can't fix him?

There is benefit in sharing your experience with him and supporting his growth (not fixing, just sharing/supporting... .  but language can be imprecise) DBT or not, along with what you have learned since.

Is the couples therapist familiar with treating BPD symptoms?

You guys could read the High Conflict Couple together and go through a DBT workbook together WITH the help of the therapist... .  

Feeling you are a team will probably be soothing to him.

Is he willing to return to the couples therapist?

[StayingWithHim]

What happened with the couPles therapist? Is there a second appt booked? Can the therapist help him understand you can't fix him?

There is benefit in sharing your experience with him and supporting his growth (not fixing, just sharing/supporting... .  but language can be imprecise) DBT or not, along with what you have learned since.

Is the couples therapist familiar with treating BPD symptoms?

You guys could read the High Conflict Couple together and go through a DBT workbook together WITH the help of the therapist... .  

Feeling you are a team will probably be soothing to him.

Is he willing to return to the couples therapist?

The therapist has worked with BPD people before, although not very many.

His mom didn't have much luck, but he came home a couple of hours ago and we talked some more. We have a second appointment booked for next week, and he said we can keep it so that is good.

He did have me talk about what I went through, and I made sure to explain that I do not recommend that he try to do it that way. It was so hard, and took a lot of work. I told him how many times I thought I would fail and how I had to stick notes all over the house with pictures of my S to keep at it. From what I've read DBT sounds a whole lot better. Once I worded my refusal from the perspective of "I'm trying to protect you because I don't understand and I don't want to cause more harm than good" he was a lot more receptive (he's afraid of mental and emotional pain). I told him that I'm afraid that I would accidentally hurt him (he understands fear really well), and that because I love him I don't want to risk hurting him.

The response was "Well, why didn't you just tell me that begin with?" Ugh.  At least he's willing to go back to the therapist. I told him I will do DBT with him if he'd like. It certainly wouldn't hurt, and that idea appeals to him.

[MaybeSo]

Fantastic! This sounds good!

[waverider]

When it comes to pwBPD being ready to undergo therapy there is much ebb and flow of enthusiasm for it. I think in the long run your support will be a great stabalizer, if only to demonstrate there is light at the end of the tunnel, and it is doable.