I can't win

[detachwlove]

For me being involved romantically w a pwBPD is like a chess game.  Both of us trying to out maneuver the other.  I've come to the conclusion last night that I simply can't win.  My BPDex is always going to have the upper hand.  Because I actually care for her and she's proven to me she's incapable of caring for anyone.

I broke up with mine around a month ago.  Then blocked her number, unfriended her on Facebook & have been avoiding her completely.  How does she respond?  By emailing me and showing up at my friend's house thinking I'm going to be there.   So like an idiot, over the weekend I show up to her place to confront her and tell her she's making my life miserable.  

I found out she's moved in with another guy!  It's her sister's father in law.  I always assumed something was going on between them but she denied it.  He's single, twice divorced and seems more into her than I ever was.  I told her when we were boyfriend/girlfriend that if she moved in with him our relationship would be over.   He's letting her live at his place rent free and providing her plenty of booze, weed & cigarettes which is basically her subsistence.  Let's her use his car, gives her money.  So she's finally found a guy that's given her exactly what she wants & let's her sit on her ass all day and be drunk & high.  

Anyway, I confronted her Friday night about the way she mistreated me.  After I broke up with her she told me she might be pregnant or had miscarried my baby.  I told her that devastated me.  She finally admitted to me it wasn't true.  I asked her if the pregnancy scare was just a ploy to try to get back at me for breaking up with her.   She goes "do you think I'm that evil?"  At this point I don't know what she is.  

So I asked her if she was trying to punish me for breaking up with her.  She then drops a bomb on me and says "I broke up with you."  I was stunned!  Either she's become delusional or in her mind she broke up with me because she's moved on with this new guy.  I think at this point she can't keep all your ex's straight.  So I tell her "enjoy your life with (new guy).  You broke up with me.  We'll leave it at that" and get in my car and drive home.  

So I'm extremely hurt, feel betrayed that she's now playing house with her latest "sugar daddy."  It's really the only way she's survived as an adult since she refuses to get a job.  By latching on to men for food, shelter, etc... .  Without that she'd be homeless.  I refused to let her move in with me so she's turned to her backup guy.  I'm not sure if she's BPD or just something off Jerry Springer.  All I know is I should stay the hell away from her.  No matter what.  

Thanks for letting me vent.  

[Lady31]

I'm sorry you are going through all this.  Proud of you for sticking to your guns/setting boundaries and not letting this woman mooch off of you and move in and make your life even more miserable, even though you knew it would probably mean her moving on to some other guy so she could.

"I'm not sure if she's BPD or just something off Jerry Springer.  All I know is I should stay the hell away from her.  No matter what."

I couldn't have said it better regarding my situation. (swapping out the her for him)

Best of luck to you moving forward.  Be prepared.  I think she will come around again.  I'm sure this guy is not her "top choice" and so is just doing for survival right now since she won't get a job.  As soon as this option becomes too hard to tolerate she will probably turn up the heat.

[KellyO]

"2010" wrote something I will always remember:":)isorder wins always". There are no winners in this game, only loosers. No matter how much you try, disorder will always find a way to get what it wants. I couldn't believe one person could try to find so many ways to control me, sabotage our relationship and hurt us both, but as I have witnessed it with my own two eyes (and heart), I must say disorder really always wins. It wants to be right, and it will make sure it is right. If it believes you don't love, it finds ways to prove it. If it believes you will abandon, it will find ways to prove you will. And when you leave because you have no other choice, you can't take it anymore, it will say."Ha, I knew you did not love me! No one loves me! I have shown you what a rotten lier you are, I always knew you were!"

[TippyTwo]

Disorder wins.

Never thought of it that way before. But, it does seem to ring true.

So much of what we went thru felt like games to me... . word games, idea games, feeling games.

[detachwlove]

"2010" wrote something I will always remember:":)isorder wins always". There are no winners in this game, only loosers. No matter how much you try, disorder will always find a way to get what it wants. I couldn't believe one person could try to find so many ways to control me, sabotage our relationship and hurt us both, but as I have witnessed it with my own two eyes (and heart), I must say disorder really always wins. It wants to be right, and it will make sure it is right. If it believes you don't love, it finds ways to prove it. If it believes you will abandon, it will find ways to prove you will. And when you leave because you have no other choice, you can't take it anymore, it will say."Ha, I knew you did not love me! No one loves me! I have shown you what a rotten lier you are, I always knew you were!"

I agree because like Danny Devito says in the movie "The War Of The Roses" to Michael Douglas:  "There are no winners here.  There's only different levels of losing."  (I think that's the line).

That's how I feel about being involved with pwBPD.  The disorder definitely wins everytime I come up against it.  Beats me down until I throw in the towel and cry "no more."  

[detachwlove]

Best of luck to you moving forward.  Be prepared.  I think she will come around again.  I'm sure this guy is not her "top choice" and so is just doing for survival right now since she won't get a job.  As soon as this option becomes too hard to tolerate she will probably turn up the heat.

It'll probably become too hard to tolerate for her new guy/sugar daddy.  I know from experience living with her is a nightmare.  She has no desire to do anything all day except smoke, drink and wallow in self pity.  That's when she's not terrorizing others either by phone or in person.  

Her new guy's ex-wife had/has BPD so he might be into that.  The irony is me and him got along really well.  He's a cool guy so I have no anger towards him at all.  Just concern.  He has no clue what he's gotten himself into!  Now that she's moved in his place he's never going to be able to get rid of her.  Unless he kicks her out on the street which he's too nice a guy to do.  

One of my friend told me that my BPDex is like a parasite who constantly needs a "host" in order to survive.  Now she's moved on from me to her new "host."  He said I should be glad to have finally removed her from my life entirely.  I would have never looked at it that way but I have to agree.

Found this on the web:  

"A parasitic relationship is one in which one organism, the parasite, lives off of another organism, the host, harming it and possibly causing death. The parasite lives on or in the body of the host."  Kind of sums up what being involved with a pwBPD was like for me.