I broke 48 days NC today

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I emailed today to tell her good bye and to get a littje closure.  I left her again after 7 months of trying again. Its been 2 months since i moved out. Once again I couldn't deal with her BPD and all the constant bickering and everything else they do.  I thanked her for giving me my freedom and for loving me.  She has not tried to contact me at all during the NC  so I guess I did this because I was afraid the cycle has ended?  She finall replied about 20 mins ago and all she said was "Yw". Your welcome.  She couldn't even spell it out.  Guess shows me I don't mean much to her anymore after 9 yrs of being with her. I really am surprised.  I guess she must have someone new already.  I never thought the cycle would end but it sure looks like it has. Anyone else had any similar situations?  I told her we should never see each other again and to not even reply to email but she did. I am ok with the ending just shocked at how cold she was.   I thought I'd at least get some kind of apology or even agree with me about us not seeing each other ever again.  I'm afraid of her wanting to try to come back months from now.  That was the main reason fir the email.  I'm sad but ok.  Can anyone give me some kind of advice about moving on from here?

[Confused69]

I emailed today to tell her good bye and to get a littje closure.  I left her again after 7 months of trying again. Its been 2 months since i moved out. Once again I couldn't deal with her BPD and all the constant bickering and everything else they do.  I thanked her for giving me my freedom and for loving me.  She has not tried to contact me at all during the NC  so I guess I did this because I was afraid the cycle has ended?  She finall replied about 20 mins ago and all she said was "Yw". Your welcome.  She couldn't even spell it out.  Guess shows me I don't mean much to her anymore after 9 yrs of being with her. I really am surprised.  I guess she must have someone new already.  I never thought the cycle would end but it sure looks like it has. Anyone else had any similar situations?  I told her we should never see each other again and to not even reply to email but she did. I am ok with the ending just shocked at how cold she was.   I thought I'd at least get some kind of apology or even agree with me about us not seeing each other ever again.  I'm afraid of her wanting to try to come back months from now.  That was the main reason fir the email.  I'm sad but ok.  Can anyone give me some kind of advice about moving on from here?

[fromheeltoheal]

My experience is you will never get closure from her, so it's best to give it to yourself.  That would start by digging a little and finding your real motivation for contacting her again; I got an email from my BPD ex after several months NC, and the emotional fallout was a little like starting from day one again.  I obviously don't know your whole situation, but 48 days isn't very long after a 9 year relationship, and the emotions are probably still very strong; I know this partly because you are still counting the days.  The best thing you can do is learn as much as you can about BPD, hang out with supportive people, get professional help if you need it, and focus on a future without her.  There will probably be some grieving involved, which is a necessary part of the healing process.  Good luck, and hang around here a lot too, where there are a lot of people who know exactly what you're going through and have been there.

[Lady31]

Confused -

If I may point a couple things out in your post.

1) You first stated that your reasoning for sending this email to her was potentially because she HADN'T contacted you and you were afraid the cycle had ended.  THEN you stated that your main reason for doing this was because you didn't want her trying to come back/make contact months from now... .  when she hadn't made any contact thus far.

2) Cold?  I don't think so.  You TOLD her not to reply to the email, but then feel hurt that she didn't state anything further than "Yw" AFTER you told her how you didn't think you two should ever see each other again and not to reply to the email.  What did you want her to do?

The vibe I'm getting is you wanted some sort of contact with her bc this is a different place than you have been before and she is respecting the NC and moving on.  You reached out with this and then are upset when you didn't get the response you were looking for to help soothe those feelings you are having... .  even though you asked her not to.  Which is not clear communication.

I'm sure you have been through hell and back like the rest of us - I am just pointing out that in this particular situation, perhaps you could have been more clear and left the email more open ended for a response from her if you truly wanted one.  And if not, perhaps let her pass that she didn't give anything more in depth given the content of your email to begin with. 

[Validation78]

Hi Confused!

Moving on from here is best done with a commitment to change, and looking back to see what made us do some of the things we do in these relationships. We have to work through the grieving process, and admit that we played a part in the whole thing. Coming to grips with that enables us to heal and move on, in the hopes that we will not repeat the same things over and over. It's hard work, looking at what we need to improve. However, it can be so worth it.

We who have loved and tried to make these relationships work are kind, compassionate people, worthy of love from ourselves and others. Take this time to reflect and repair. Open yourself up to the possibilities of a new and better life, without BPD!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[David Dare]

Just wanted to say, I've been where you now are.  I know how much it sucks.  Give yourself more time to "forget".  When does one remember to forget, or forget to remember?  It's a strange loop that can only be broken when enough time has passed.  How much time is enough time?  There is no answer for that, but trust that that time will come.  Trust what you've learned about BPD.  It is all true. 

[Confused69]

Yes lady31. I guess I was expecting a different response from her. I guess I'm going by our past history.  Normally she would vent and rage wether it be thru text or on the phone.  Then after I let her get it all out she contacts me or asks a friend or family member about me. Then the cycle starts again. I guess I kinda expected this to happen again.  The main reason i sent the email is because I really don't want her coming back months or years down the road like I've heard from others on this site. I'd rather deal with it now while I'm prepared and expecting it.  I know she will not listen to what I ask. I know she will try again just like she has in the past. But I really hope I won't have to deal with her again after she and I have moved on. I know I need to heal and keep moving forward.  I know I can change my life and from what I read they (the BPD) will continue this same cycle with whoever they are with.  And I'm not trying to get an satisfaction from this so please don't think that.

To me 2 months of NC is a long time for us.  It seems as the longer the relationship lasts the longer the time it takes for her or us to reconnect. So I guess I'm just scared to be blind sided after I feel that she has moved on and forgotten about me.  I really love her and care about her. But the push pull has really worn me down.  Is it really best to move on from someone you still love even if its an unhealthy relationship? Or is it best to stay and keep trying?  Sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision to leave.

[WillSurvive420]

what your feeling is normal... .  i broke 21 days of NC today... .  she seemed happy to hear from me... .  i asked her how her classes were going and she answered and then immediately started talking about her fd up sister thats in rehab (again) for meth... . her sister has a 3 y.o. Im so glad im not around this drama anymore... .  drama drama drama! no guy is going to want to put up with that sad bs... .  dropping her stuff off on wedensday... .  we will see how that goes... .  need to have very little expectations of HER behavior... .  i should only EXPECT good behavior on my part, bc thats all i can control... .  Im attempted to reattempt a reconciliation since weve had some time apart but i know im setting myself up to fail yet again. Its funny even though we hadnt talked in 3 weeks, she didnt manage to ask how i was, how i was doing, what i was doing? that hurt, but it reinforced that she has something seriously wrong with her personality.