Ins and out of ruminations

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm wondering if anyone else is experiencing odd kind of rumination patterns.

I am finding I can go days without thinking anything about her. Then something will trigger a memory and I am off and running with thoughts and feelings. Those I don't mind cuz it is a cause and effect thing.

The ones that are bugging me are the days where the ruminations are set off and I can find no trigger. It will go on for a day or so and stop as abruptly as it started. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to these.

So, I'm wondering if there is a trigger I am not yet aware of. Or, if it is a biological thing. Or if it is something else.

Anyone?

[TippyTwo]

I'm wondering if anyone else is experiencing odd kind of rumination patterns.

I am finding I can go days without thinking anything about her. Then something will trigger a memory and I am off and running with thoughts and feelings. Those I don't mind cuz it is a cause and effect thing.

The ones that are bugging me are the days where the ruminations are set off and I can find no trigger. It will go on for a day or so and stop as abruptly as it started. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to these.

So, I'm wondering if there is a trigger I am not yet aware of. Or, if it is a biological thing. Or if it is something else.

Anyone?

[hellnback]

I do the same thing. It seems to come in cycles. This weekend was really tough because the kids were gone and I was all alone. But today, I'm much better.

[Surnia]

Hi mcauleyan

So sorry to hear about your struggles with ruminations sometimes. You are not alone with it. Many here have similar experiences.

It could be when you are alone, like hellinback said, or when you have a difficult day or feeling sick... . It is normal.

One possibility is to keep yourself busy in such situations. Doing some Sudokus, walking, exercising, learning something new can help. It will pass.

[stop2think]

Hi mcauleyan,

I can understand what you are going through, sorry to know that you encounter these painful moments.

Fragments of memories attached to this person are deep rooted in our minds, they are not significant ones and do not need triggers necessarily. I believe it is to do with our state of mind, some memories are attached to 'feelings', so when we are we find ourselves feeling that emotion even for a moment the memories attached pop up from no where.

The process either fades in time when we start to create newer memories - good or bad. I try to create as many good memories i can to get rid of this sudden encounters in my head. To me the aim is to get to a point where i feel 'nothing' when my mind picks any piece of the past.

Hope you find peace... . sooner than later.

[bpdspell]

It sounds cliche but time passing often helps with the ruminations. I think our brains are constantly trying to re-wire themselves and undo the toxic trauma bonds that these relationships tend to create. It takes time for our brains to be in alignment with our hearts as we learn new ways of being more kinder and forgiving to ourselves. It takes time for acceptance to take root... . especially when we're faced with the facts: that we loved someone who hid a mental illness... . whether in denial or undiagnosed.

Just let the memories wash over you and don't try to repress. Those rumination 's have both happy and sad times and are often bittersweet. Have something productive to do: journaling, running, praying, meditating, cycling, or calling up friends and loved ones. I like to spend time with my nieces and nephews, listen to music, journal, read, and run. The little things all add up to make you stronger.

[nolisan]

Memorial day brought back painful memories for me.

I posted here and called a friend. It was like spitting out a fur ball (meow).

Feel better now, accepting and feeling my feelings and stepping into an interesting and challenging day (with people that love and accept me). I deserve that.

[flynavy]

OK BPDspell... . I have never heard it put so well since I have been on this site!  I remember going through survival school in the Navy and the POW camp... . even though I knew it wasn't real... . the emotional trauma my exBPD/NPD fiance did to me was oh so similar to the tactics used to break a prisoner down to get information... . albeit her tactics were subtle, yet still deliberate and emotionally hurtful!

Vice Admiral Stockdale was the longest POW in the infamous Hanoi Hilton prison camp in Viet Nam.  He survived over 7 years of physical abuse/torture and emotional trauma that seems almost unbelievable... . but he did it.  One of the things he did is designed a house in his head... . he calculated each brick he would need, the dimensions, how much concrete etc.  When he was eventually released he built that house... . it was calculated almost to the brick!

So I agree with BPDspell... . rewire your brain... . do not let the toxic trauma caused by your ex define you... . you have control.  I wrote a short story about my ordeal, I work out regularly, I talk to my wife who died from Ovarian Cancer several years ago... . she continues to be an enormous source of strength when I start to feel sorry for myself.

Being alone is the worst part... . when you find yourself alone and thinking of her... . go out for walk... . run... . cycle... . picl up your musical instrument if you play... . call your brother/sister/mother/best friend... . anything but let toxic programming take control of YOUR life!

I wish you the strength to return to who You are again... .

[Hurtbad]

Yes, I do the same thing.  I am a writer who likes to write late at night.  But it is also an alone time, and the time of night I found out that my BPD was in another mans bed.  I am still new at coping, but I can tell you, my garage is starting to look better, and I am doing some writing in the afternoon.  I once suffered form serious depression, and this is the only event that ever put me back in touch with that dynamic, and the worst thing that ever happened to me out side of that illness.  So I can tell you time does help.  The other thing to remember... . I keep telling myself every day... . is to get out of your head, do things and be with people as much as you can.

[schwing]

Hi Mcauleyan,

I'm wondering if anyone else is experiencing odd kind of rumination patterns.

I am finding I can go days without thinking anything about her. Then something will trigger a memory and I am off and running with thoughts and feelings. Those I don't mind cuz it is a cause and effect thing.

The ones that are bugging me are the days where the ruminations are set off and I can find no trigger. It will go on for a day or so and stop as abruptly as it started. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to these.

I think your experience with rumination is quite common.

If your relationship ended only recently (on the order of months) you might expect to experience such ruminations more often with or without triggers.  Then again, I suppose it also depends on how long you were with your BPD loved one and to what degree you were attached to them.

So, I'm wondering if there is a trigger I am not yet aware of. Or, if it is a biological thing. Or if it is something else.

In my experience I found two means to handle/interpret these ruminations particularly helpful:

(1) Treat this break-up, like a death of a close family member, and mourn appropriately.  I don't know if you've ever lost a family member, but there is a reason why many cultures ritualize the act of mourning and paying respects to our loved ones who are dead; it's why we bury our dead in marked graves.  By choosing predictable and consistent times to "honor" your grief, you can avoid being caught off guard by unexpected feelings of grief  or ruminations.

In the beginning, expect to visit your "emotional grave" more often.  In time, you won't need to visit quite so often.

(2) I chose to interpret these ruminations as reminders that I could be taking care of myself better.  :)uring the later part of my BPD relationship, I was very very self-neglecting.  I had put my BPD loved one's interests and care ahead of my own.  And I found that during my "recovery" process, when I was paying less attention to myself, that I would reminisce more often.  Part of taking care of myself better did involve taking time to clean out the metaphorical cobwebs of my memories and feelings using journalling, writing, or some other creative outlets.  And when I did this sufficiently, I found I was bothered much less often by ruminations.

Your mileage may very (YMMV),

Best wishes, Schwing

[TippyTwo]

Thank you all for your input and reminders of the process. Sometimes I just lose my focus.