I don't do enough apparently

[Depression = 72% of members]

Is this a normal aspect of a pwBPD, to always accuse their partner of not doing enough towards the relationship? Not paying enough money, not doing enough chores, etc? And that whatever THEY do, is a massive sacrifice and effort and soo much more than their partner ever does?

I feel so insignificant due to these accusations and so cut-down. I have executive functioning issues (issues with organisation, planning, prioritising, time management, motivation, etc WAY more than an average person) with my Asperger's and hence it takes me a LOT to get a bunch of stuff done. Yet I still do it pretty well and I am very proud of myself. But then he tells me I am lazy and that he pays for most of our bills (in truth, I have paid for the majority of the bills during our relationship). It is one of our recurrent arguments.

How do I react to this? Is this common? (I am new to all of this).

[aspiegirl23]

Is this a normal aspect of a pwBPD, to always accuse their partner of not doing enough towards the relationship? Not paying enough money, not doing enough chores, etc? And that whatever THEY do, is a massive sacrifice and effort and soo much more than their partner ever does?

I feel so insignificant due to these accusations and so cut-down. I have executive functioning issues (issues with organisation, planning, prioritising, time management, motivation, etc WAY more than an average person) with my Asperger's and hence it takes me a LOT to get a bunch of stuff done. Yet I still do it pretty well and I am very proud of myself. But then he tells me I am lazy and that he pays for most of our bills (in truth, I have paid for the majority of the bills during our relationship). It is one of our recurrent arguments.

How do I react to this? Is this common? (I am new to all of this).

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[raindancer]

aspiegirl23

The short answer is "yes, this a normal aspect of BPD". The long answer is - everything you've said about your partner saying you're not paying enough, doing enough chores etc., and their "massive sacrifice" is, in my experience, a good description of the BPD sense of entitlement.

If you read some of the posts, you will find many others here who are experiencing the same things. I do also.

The lessons ----------------------------------------------------------------> over there ------------------->

can also give you some incite on how this characteristic works, as well as ideas on how to establish boundaries in this area.

My words of wisdom - practice giving yourself some slack, don't be hard yourself if/when things don't get done right away, and learn a bit of self-care (long bubble baths, walks, reading a good book or hobbies) to make time for yourself. You've earned it and you deserve it - and, btw, you are significant no matter what someone else may say... . so be proud of all you do and 

[Jaldridge77]

I am so sick of hearing everything I do wrong... . How much I am not putting in the work for our marriage... . that is his favorite thing to say to me. I am the cause of why he left... . I am the cause of why we are not together... . I am the cause of my unhappiness and loneliness... . I think that is one of the hardest things to deal with... . I know I was a good wife... . and I tried to do everything that he wanted me to... . I wasn't perfect... . but who is?... . He puts me down almost daily... . and calls me names... . he hates me for the most part... . Then when he feels like playing nice... . playing the role of a husband... . he comes over and he treats me really well... . then he leaves... . and it starts all over again... . so... . you are not alone in this... . I will never understand why they do this... . and I will never understand why I can't let go... .  

[Chosen]

Hi aspiegirl23, Jaldridge77,

First of all, welcome to the board.  It is very typical of pwBPDs to accuse their partners of not doing enough- I get that almost daily.  Think of a pwBPD as an emotional black hole- you can put all that you want into the relationship, and it just sucks that away, never having the feeling of "enough".  For my uBPDh, he will discount everything I do, and tell me he does it better, or more.  It doesn't matter if that's the truth- it isn't, but that's how he feels, and that's the truth for him.

If you want to stay in a relationship with a pwBPD, you will have to expect, to a certain extent, that whatever you do will not be appreciated, or at least it is not proportionate to how hard you try or how much you do.  You will have to accept that a lot of what you do will go unnoticed, and they will focus on the things you lack (and believe me, they will find loads).  This is why it is very important to keep your mental and emotional state healthy, and don't be solely emotionally dependent on your pwBPD.  Have people who can talk to you and tell you that you're doing fine.  Do things that make yourself feel good.  It is only when you are stronger on the inside that you can handle such a relationship on a daily basis.

[DramaEverything]

Oh yes.  I was just told this a few weeks ago.  Like you, I have some issues that make life a "little" bit of a struggle.  I have MS.  I'm mobile, but the fatigue hits me like a ton of bricks.  I'm a stay at home mom.  I take care of two boys.  My udxBPDh had the nerve to tell me that I do the "bare minimum" around here.  All I get done is the dishes and I manage to watch talk shows.  I was livid when he said that.

That was so NOT true.  The only thing he has to do is go to work.  I cook, do dishes, laundry, clean house/vacuum, bathe kids, take them to school, doctors, dentist, dog to vet, I feed the dog, I grocery shop, I attend all school meetings, I attend Boy Scout meetings and anything else that involves the kids.

The comment he said to me was very hurtful.  I totally resent him for it.  I usually bring it up once a day.

Just this morning is was brought up.  I don't really have any advice as to how you should handle it, but I applaud those who want to work it out with the BPD's.  I just don't think I'm one of them.

[VeryFree]

Yes it is!

Worked full-time making days of 13 hours.

She said I had an easy job, because her job (being at home) would be a 24 hour job... .

I paid our way of life.

She said I would give her more money. I drove a big car (about 200 miles a day to get to work), so I was very selfish. Could better spend more money on her.

On my days off I would do a lot of chores in and around the house.

She said I was lazy.

On my days off and evenings I would do part of the housework.

She said it wasn't enough: should be at least half of all the work.

Besides that: the way I did it wasn't good enough.

And so on... .

[allibaba]

This is typical.

I think that its more rooted in their own insecurity than a true belief that we don't do enough.

The more I play the victim/ the martyr and focus on my own insecurities about how much I do around the house then the worse I am treated and the more my uBPDh puts me and my actions under a microscope.  Basically - I have to do stuff around the house for ME and for our house... . not to make him happy.  Codependent behaviors and beliefs make him worse. 

If I ask for him to participate in our house then I notice that this behavior goes down (without telling him what to do or making him feel less than)... . he feels better about himself and us and our house.  Recently he thanked me for 'raising the bar in our house' and asked me for getting him to participate in the housework.  He said that it gave him better self esteem and a better sense of self worth.  Here I was thinking that doing everything was a good thing... . when in fact it made him feel worthless.

[aspiegirl23]

Thanks so much for all of your replies everyone. I am glad it is not just me, but then again that isn't good you are all going through the same thing

Last night when I said to my husband "so you expect me to do all the chores around the house, pay for all the bills, and look after DS?" he replies with "When is it going to start?" Arghhh! We have issues with paying the bills, too, simply because he moved into the unit that I bought with me. They are *my* bills that I would be paying if he wasn't there anyway.

I am such a logical-minded person and I can't handle contradictions and irrational arguments. Yet, I can have my own emotional regulation issues that come with my Asperger's (though different for how it is for a pwBPD in my opinion).

It is hard to accept the mindset that we have to solely be our own best friends and team mates in life for the most part, especially when I had always thought that that it what would be part of the benefits of being in a relationship. In saying that though, it isn't even that I NEED him to make me feel worthwhile, but what gets to me is that he actively pulls me down so often.

Thanks again so much everyone, I am so glad I found this board!

[Murbay]

Aspiegirl, it is very frustrating for a lot of people but I do think certain aspects more for us aspies since we have our own battles to overcome too.

It is something that caused a great deal of confusion, though the Therapist made me see the lighter side of things. We take a very logical approach to everything where our partners/ex are on the emotional scale. I know for me, most of the time I can see straight through an issue and completely avoid the emotion which makes me sit back and question what the hell just happened, because it sure makes no sense.

I have very good control over my emotional regulation, which has come with years of practice though my ex sure went digging to find the buttons. I used to love the arguments where I would be accused of yelling when I hadn't even said a word but apparently it was in my eyes, or a look on my face. Others where facts would be distorted, then she would blame the Aspergers for me not seeing the same thing she did. That one always made me smile.

[daylily]

It is hard to accept the mindset that we have to solely be our own best friends and team mates in life for the most part, especially when I had always thought that that it what would be part of the benefits of being in a relationship. In saying that though, it isn't even that I NEED him to make me feel worthwhile, but what gets to me is that he actively pulls me down so often.

Thanks again so much everyone, I am so glad I found this board!

     I agree it would be much easier for us to accept being in a relationship with someone who simply doesn't rise to the level of "best friend" or teammate."   It is disappointing to have to "go it alone" without help or someone to reach goals with.  But what I think you're saying is that not only are pwBPD not our best friends or teammates, they act at times like they're our enemies.  On one hand, they supposedly love us and care about us.  But they say and do things that are so hurtful and not only do they not help, but they hinder us from doing things ourselves.  For me, it's the constant insults and nit picking (with occasional heartbreaking zingers) that make my marriage almost unbearable at times.  Although I'm staying, sometimes I think about how much easier it would be if my only problem was too much to do and no one to help!

  Daylily

[konablue89]

I too am always told I do not do enough around the house... .

I only

Work full time ( make 70% of our income )

get the kids up off to school

make lunches

laundry all week

clean at least one room a day

repair anything that is broke

2 acres of yard work

pay all the bills

grocery shop

make dinner 2 nights a week ( kids do it 4 )

clean up after dinner

tuck kids in

wait on her hand and foot

give her medication and a glass of water

lay with her till she falls asleep.

finish my chores.

go to bed... .

Thats my day... . WOW thats sad... . I never actually looked at it... .

[Murbay]

Very true kona,

I never mentioned the housework or that every night my ex would ask me to tickle her back until she fell asleep. Heaven forbid I fall asleep first because I would hear all about it the following day. On the nights when I would ask that we just lay in each others arms, I was greeted with stonewalling because apparently she did too much for me as it was and I was just being selfish.

So many times I have often thought, I would just love to swap places for a day. Not so they can see what actually gets done but for my own perspective of what actually constitutes as not doing enough. What is missing?

I understand these are all doing things, but the emotional support was also there. Something that aspiegirl can testify to, it can be very difficult for someone on our side of the fence, especially if the emotional support needed is for something completely irrational and illogical.

[Jaldridge77]

Thanks for posting... . I think it is very intersting what I am reading here... . My H wouldn't help me with the bills... . one time I asked for help with the power bill... . He told me to figure it out... . either make more money or cut a bill... .    He wouldn't do anything around the house... . my dad had to mow the grass... . REALLY?... . what kind of man is that?... . I am heartbroken that he has left me for the fourth time... . but I can't figure out for the life of me why... . sigh... . trying to be strong... . We have the right to happiness... .

[CMW]

Yeah, I identify with this too. My sister cut off contact with me and my husband, moved her family to the other side of the world and has been doing the silent treatment on me for more than two years, supposedly because my husband and I didn't look after her son or see her family often enough. The week she first accused us of this, we had had them all over to dinner one night, and had also spent a weekday evening taking her young son out to a Christmas party. She is like a black hole - nothing is ever enough. Nor would it ever have occurred to her that we both have tiring full time jobs and that my husband also has three teenagers and elderly parents. All about her, and never good enough. Have been re-reading her emails and that phrase about 'feelings are facts' seems so accurate to me. She was *feeling* insecure, so she decided that we didn't do enough. No relationship at all to what was really happening. I feel exhausted and ground down!

[allibaba]

I think the point is that all of us do a lot around our houses... . sometimes with help from SO and sometimes not.  In order to begin to have some sort of a normal life I have to disconnect from focusing on how much I do and I certainly cannot worry about him giving some sort of appreciation for how much I do.  I do what I do for MYSELF.  I do what I do for our house and my own self worth.  I make 90% of the income, do most of the housework, and take care of the dogs and our son.  I used to dwell on how great I was to him.  LOL and how under appreciated I am.  Unfortunately that was counterproductive and I generally got the opposite reaction of what I was looking for (I was looking for appreciation and generally received more criticism).

wait on her hand and foot

give her medication and a glass of water

lay with her till she falls asleep.

konablue89 - we all need to avoid the waiting on our BPD hand and foot.  It will only make them worse and less self reliant and more critical of us!  I still do stuff for my husband but as soon as he starts treating me badly I walk away (no matter what I am doing or how madly I think that he needs me).  He survived before we met... . he can do ok finding his own dinner if he has to. 

[Rockylove]

I'm so glad I read these posts.  I've always felt that what I do is never enough... . not just in this relationship, but in all of my relationships!  What the heck do I have to do for it to be enough?  This has been a lifelong challenge beginning in my early childhood.  My mother was an interesting woman... . I now wonder if she suffered from BPD.  I was so conditioned to do that I didn't know how to be!  The reality is that I put this pressure on myself long after I moved away from home and carried it with me into my relationships.  I do too much and then become resentful because I'm overwhelmed and tired. 

My uBPDbf said that I say yes when I want to say no and that's true.  He said that I don't have to do anything for him to love me, but then tells me that I don't do enough (mostly contribute financially, which he's told me over and again he didn't want me to do!)  The reality is that if I don't do certain things they won't get done!  In the 2 years we've lived together, he's never once vacuumed, cleaned the bathroom, dusted anything, etc.  Apparently he's got a much higher tolerance to dirt than I do so I clean... . and I cook... . and I buy groceries and pay for many things that he doesn't seem to notice.  We'll see just how much more he expects now that I've got a full time job and work part time as well and he's not working.  I may be able to pay a few more of the bills, but much of what I do will go undone because I don't have the time or energy to do it any more.

[jedicloak]

This is typical.

I think that its more rooted in their own insecurity than a true belief that we don't do enough.

The more I play the victim/ the martyr and focus on my own insecurities about how much I do around the house then the worse I am treated and the more my uBPDh puts me and my actions under a microscope.  Basically - I have to do stuff around the house for ME and for our house... . not to make him happy.  Codependent behaviors and beliefs make him worse. 

If I ask for him to participate in our house then I notice that this behavior goes down (without telling him what to do or making him feel less than)... . he feels better about himself and us and our house.  Recently he thanked me for 'raising the bar in our house' and asked me for getting him to participate in the housework.  He said that it gave him better self esteem and a better sense of self worth.  Here I was thinking that doing everything was a good thing... . when in fact it made him feel worthless.

Just wanted to add that I second everything in this post... . said it better than I could have!

[allibaba]

What the heck do I have to do for it to be enough?  This has been a lifelong challenge beginning in my early childhood.  My mother was an interesting woman... . I now wonder if she suffered from BPD.  I was so conditioned to do that I didn't know how to be!  

Its funny my uBPDh used to call me a HUMAN DOING and said that I am not a HUMAN BEING.  My mother is undiagnosed BPD and I learned at an early age to do things to try to make her happy... . uggggghhh.  Now I am busy learning boundaries and doing things for myself and our house because its the right thing to do.  Funny that my uBPDh is so right sometimes.  Even though he says it to be mean... . I ignore the mean part and am trying to be a real person who has feelings (other than being a martyr) and has needs and expresses them.

I think over and over again how grateful I am that I found this board.  Its literally saving my life... . and for the record my husband stormed out of the house this morning... . yelling and slamming doors... . and calling me names and I let him know quite clearly that his breakfast would be unfinished and he'd have no lunch if he kept it up... . and it felt good because he left and I was ok.  I know that something stressed him out this morning and for me to take away his stress would be wrong... . because its his to deal with

Thanks Jedicloak... . all this stuff is new and amazing to me!  I'm so excited to put down the boundaries and work on this relationship

[Vindi]

you do do enough, but in the pwBPD its probably never enough.

i know the feeling, i too used to pay for alot of things, many things and still felt like I wasn't doing enough. So then i set some boundaries... . (cuz I was paying for alot of the food bills and regular house bills) no more letting him "not" pay for things, this was common when he was laid off from work, money wasn't coming in from his end, and his excuse is "this is not my fault, i didn't do anything wrong, I was supposed to work year round"... . etc... .

so now if he does get laid off or can't pay bills, he will have to move out, a boundary I am sticking with!

yes, i am rambling... .

but i know how you feel!

[Chosen]

We have issues with paying the bills, too, simply because he moved into the unit that I bought with me. They are *my* bills that I would be paying if he wasn't there anyway.

In the same boat here, aspiegirl23!

H would pay for luxuries, or groceries, but the bills are always paid by me and he has no attempt to pay any of them (not that I am struggling financially).  It's because he moved into the place where I've always lived, and I would be paying those bills anyway... . so basically I'm paying just as much, but now TWO people can enjoy it!  You see how twisted the logic is? 

And of course, I never do enough too.  For H, I don't just "not do enough"; I "never do anything", "never supported him", "never hit__".  Throwing all the stuff I do for him in his face won't work, because it lowers me to his level.  And obviously, whatever I do is so insignificant, it can never compare to what he does for me on a daily basis anyway.

[aspiegirl23]

I understand these are all doing things, but the emotional support was also there. Something that aspiegirl can testify to, it can be very difficult for someone on our side of the fence, especially if the emotional support needed is for something completely irrational and illogical.

That is a very good point Murbay. We are such truth-seekers and respectful of facts that it is so hard to understand someone else's emotions if they are based on incorrect facts/assumptions. I DO understand how emotions can be irrational - if I am feeling that way, I will admit it by saying "I KNOW this emotion is irrational, but it is what I am feeling" and I will try to analyse it out. I just can't handle "arguments" when they make no logical sense. And then I don't know how else to approach the situation. Whenever I try to discuss the disagreement in a logical way, it just makes it worse... .   I need to work on this... .

[atcrossroads]

Wow.  I 100% relate to this thread!  NOTHING I did was every enough, and a constant, recurring, often raging argument we had was how I did NOTHING to contribute to our household and he did EVERYTHING.  I must say it would utterly infuriate me because it was so untrue and SO very hurtful.  I once asked him if there were anything about me that made me a good wife.  Anything at all?  He thought about it a moment and said no. 

Really?

*I worked more hours and made more than 50% of income, supporting his marijuana habit for years 

*I handled ALL financial aspects from bill paying to taxes to refinancing mortgage, etc.

*I cooked 3-5x per week and did bulk of grocery/household shopping (hell to pay if we ran out of tissues or q-tips)

*I did 75% or more of pet care/vet visits (no kids)

*I planned 90% of all trips and social engagements we did together

*he did majority of cleaning, but I cleaned as well - bathroom, dishes, cleaning out fridge, etc. but was ALWAYS accused of doing NO cleaning.

No matter how much praise I gave him for the things he did, he could never see, admit, realize, recognize, acknowledge that I did ANYTHING.  Was he delusional or just mean?  I don't know, but it was just one thing I couldn't take anymore... .

[moonunit]

Good topic, safe to say that we all face this with our SO's, it can be both frustrating and hurtful to have our efforts discounted in a way that they do. I am told almost daily that i don't do this or i don't do that and that i don't love her because i don't do what she expects. At some times she has a moment of clarity and says that she appreciates what i do, that is usually short lived and followed by a laundry list of things that i don't do. Its all very confusing and frustrating at times. :'(

[Chosen]

My C describes it as a sinkhole.  The feelings of appreciation goes away much quicker than they accumulate.  And also, because they are PD, they don't have the ability to remember a single good thing about us when they are irritated.  Hence the splitting.

I'm in the same position as all of you guys- I think we both do a fair deal at home, yet when he does seem to weigh more importantly than mine.  Also, he is allowed to feel lazy and not do a thing when he doesn't want to, but he won't remember those times.  He will only remember the Saturday mornings when I don't have to work (he wakes up earlier than I do), so I sleep in and he does the laundry. 

Also, whenever he "appreciates" me, it is peppered with "buts".  "hit and hit_ you did was good, but actually hit__ was more important and you didn't do it."  Usually this belittles whatever I have done and the message I got was "well you didn't do the more important stuff so the little stuff you did don't count".

It's discouraging, sure, and that's why we need to come here, and also to ask ourselves why do we do these.  We do these because we love our pwBPDs, we want to make our homes a better place (no matter how much or how little we do), and we are not doing it to win praise.

[Murbay]

My ex broke NC tonight when she sent me an e-mail containing the phonebill for the month which I'm expected to pay.

It's funny because during the relationship, I apparently did nothing or paid any of the bills, despite the fact I paid for pretty much everything (with the exception of daycare which we split) If I paid for nothing, why has she even sent the cellphone bill through to me? Surely that's a bill she pays every month if we work from her logic.

[VeryFree]

@Murbay

Her logic is: since you have left her, you should pay her bills.

Never mind if this is true or not.