Wow. She fooled me

[jalbright]

Wow I feel like a complete idiot.  So as I posted the other day, https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?action=profile;u=59409,  about how my now ex gfwBPD, who I just kicked out, would never do some of the things that other BPDs have done. Then I get some new news today.  I received a text from  random girl and it says “Tell your girl to stop texting XYZ and to lose his number.  I would tell her myself but I thought you should know.”

Well XYZ is her ex!  And the girl I received the text from is XYZ’s current GF.  So I continued texting her to get more info, I found out that my ex tried contacting XYZ’s brother and cousin a couple months ago. And just a couple weeks ago contacted XYZ’s cousin again to get his new number and then last week she actually texted him a couple times to “see how he was”. He never responded and told his current GF about it as he wants nothing to do w/ her.

I confronted my ex after I got the details, she didn’t deny it but tried to lie a bit about some details until I basically told her I know everything and to just stop lying. So then of course she was upset saying how she didn’t mean it like that, there was no bad intention, she loves me, etc… While she didn’t cheat on me and there’s far worse thing she could have done, still I’m shocked bc I never in a million years would of thought she would contact her ex and I’m not a naive person at all. Her BPD issues and traits are becoming as clear as glass! She painted her ex as scum and literally referred to him as Piece of Sh*t. This may sound petty compared to some other things but I really was so caught off guard, especially while she’s been begging for me back and I continued to defend her in my own mind!

Even funnier is I would catch grief any time I tried to exercise a little bit of independence bc of her paranoia and trust issues, but yet she was contacting her ex’s family trying to check up on him and them and then trying to get her ex’s number, eventually contacting him. Wow.

[paul16]

Next she'll be contacting you begging forgiveness even though she's involved with someone else.

My advice: Chalk it up to learning experience.

[FogLight]

Ha that all sounds about right.  Paul nailed it, I was getting the begging for forgiveness crap a few months after we split.  Now I'm the ex she's trying to contact, even though I was painted flat black when I rejected her attempt at coming back last time.  I also felt like a complete idiot for being duped, especially when I learned of the mountain of crap she was pulling behind my back while we were together.  Even more shocking was that she slept around so much WHILE begging me back each time I tried to dump her.  Now it's just a matter of keeping her away, she calls/texts a lot even though I've been completely silent for 6 months and she drives by all the time.  The funny part is that the new guy is probably footing the gas for that and doesn't even realize it! 

It's good that you're seeing things more clearly now, just don't let any of it get to you when you realize just how far different she is from the person you thought she was.

[jalbright]

Since I kicked her out four days ago I've been swallowed with guilt and confusion that has been absolutely crippling me! So as much as it sucked today to hear she was contacting her ex it also Removed a massive weight off my shoulders and relieved a ton of guilt as I'm now for certain of my decision to move on.

[leftbehind]

My ex painted his exgf as total scum, crazy, violent & abusive, etc.  Yesterday I found that he had unblocked her on facebook.  I'm realizing how crazy HE is.  Makes me feel like saying, "Go sell crazy somewhere else!"  He texted me on Wed, and I haven't responded and won't.  Did some looking around on Facebook instead and uncovered a mountain of lies.  I'm done.

[laelle]

From my experience and the things I have learned from this website, a person with BPD likes to have a spare or more.  I know this sounds awful, and it is, but to them its really not.

They see themselves as committed to the relationship while keeping in contact with someone else to keep them feeling "secure". (fear of abandonment)  A person with BPD can not be alone.  For them its better to have too many than not enough.  An emotional back up gives them that secure feeling.  

Its not intended to hurt you, but how could it not?  They are mentally ill and are truly just trying to survive in their own heads.

I think its great that you drew the line and said enough is enough.  The FOG will lift if you keep moving forward, grieving and detaching from the relationship.

Laelle  

[bpdspell]

Laelle is correct.

They have maladaptive coping mechanisms to keep their greatest fear from turning into a reality: being alone and abandoned.

They don't know who they are so how can you hand over trust to a person who can't even trust themselves with their ever shifting emotions and their shape shifting mosaic personalities?

If we accept that they're mentally ill then we can accept the fact that they aren't trustworthy. Trying to uncover and chase their smokescreens and lies isnt worth the chase cause the answer is BPD. And quite honestly their words and actions are always playing the bumper car game of inconsistency because their disorder once triggered (and the mask dropped) is in full control.

[leftbehind]

If we accept that they're mentally ill then we can accept the fact that they aren't trustworthy.

Mentally ill people lie.  This is the sad truth.

[jalbright]

Yeah I guess it's just a sad truth I need to accept

[leftbehind]

I know, it sucks jalbright. I'm sorry you're going through this right now.  Keep putting yourself first