Overcome with doubt

[Healing4Ever]

uggh.  I committed the cardinal sin.  I checked his fb status, and although he doesn't update much, he did post a pic of his niece, and a co-worker commented right away, which he replied to with a smiley.  This is pretty benign, I know.  Except that back in January when I was needing space sexually b/c the relationship wasn't feeling safe (we're talking maybe 7-10 days), he told me that he was struggling with feeling attracted sexually to co-workers b/c of the distance.   

I'm feeling overwhelmed with doubt and insecurity.

He's been doing work with men's groups and church groups, trying to address his anger.  And his sexual addiction.  He says he understands this work he needs to do.  What if I've given up right when he's going to make a shift, and someone else gets to benefit?   

And then a quieter voice reminds me that he still believes that we don't love him.  He is constantly defending himself against unseen attacks by us.  Our last week together ended because I couldn't take any more silent treatments.  He raged at me in front of a therapist (what a gift - to have that witnessed by someone) and this therapist, who has worked with us for at least 10 hours together, reflected that I was invisible in the relationship.  In that my feelings and experiences didn't hold any water with him.  That he was starting to understand how much his anger hurt people, including himself.

And yet - he's so engaging with others.  People love him.  He knows how to make a good impression and keep it going with friends and co-workers.  He knows how to "talk the talk", without ever really saying anything.  Or saying lots, but not following through.  And never being vulnerable with me.  Ever.  Admitted that he can't do that with anyone.

A part of me really misses the good times.  And I feel lonely.  Yuck.  :'(

Thanks for reading.  Here's hoping for sunnier skies.

So far... . I haven't reached out to him yet.  I'm pretty sure he would be thrilled with the power that would give him (as he has been very upset by my need for NC due to my exams over the past 3 weeks) and the power balance, for once in our relationship (except when I 'withheld" sex that one time and one other as well) is with me.  And I don't think I can afford to give that up as I need to concentrate to study.  One more week.  Then I can dive down that rabbit-hole if I need to.  Here's hoping I've lifted myself up by my bootstraps and can refocus on the future and long-term goals. 

[heyhey]

Gotta love facebook. Im guilty of the same crime. However ive told myself no more. Im not going to torture myself anymore.  Not sure how long you have been apart from your ex but it does get easier with time. But yeah you gotta stay away from that facebook. As far as him putting on a show for everyone else, they are good at that, but behind closed doors its another story. The sun will shine for you again, hang in there.