uBPDw checking my cell phone and then accusing?

[byfaith]

my step son who has schizophrenia (this is a whole other layer to all of this) came into our room and it was distracting so I went to the living room to call my daughter on my cell. I texted her instead because it was late. I just asked her if she was planning to go out of town and to be careful on her trip. she texted back yes she was. That was it. Well my wife asked me why I left the room, I told her because I was going to call my daughter but texted her instead. I told her what the text was but my wife didn't read it that night. the next evening my uBPDw was checking my texts and noticed my daughters text was deleted, she asked me why I deleted my daughters text and no one elses. I said well I deleted a couple others as well. I just randomly deleted some and left others on there. My wife obsessed 3 or 4 days over the deletion of that text. I even sent my daughter a request to send back the text because I deleted it. But she was busy and probably thought it was a weird request anyway. Stuff like that is unnerving to me because there was nothing to hide. I felt like a kid that was getting in trouble for something he didn't do and was trying to find answers as to why I deleted that text. HOw do people cope with being accused of something when you've done nothing wrong? she didn't go into a mad spell or call me anything she was just suspicious of the whole thing. Now I get nervous to delete texts without letting her know I am deleting texts. It's like walking on eggshells. what do you do? getting interragated is a bad feeling.

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[Wrongturn1]

This reminds me of something that happened with my uBPDw last fall.  She became angry with me that I did not keep my cell phone on my person at all times and therefore I was unable to answer her call occasionally (e.g., if I was in the basement at home and had left my phone upstairs, etc.).  She asked me to do a better job of answering my phone b/c it was very irritating not to be able to get a hold of me.  I told her I would try to keep my phone handy at all times to avoid missing her calls and subsequently started carrying my phone in my pocket.

Then a couple of weeks later while she was dysregulated, she ranted that she could tell that I was either cheating on her or was about to start cheating because of the way that I was "hiding my phone" by always keeping it in my pocket.       Since then, I've started keeping my phone on my person when I want it, but not thinking about it otherwise.  Changing my actions to try to accommodate her or prevent triggers has not worked, so now I just do what works for my benefit.

So my advice to you is this: operate your phone as needed to suit your purposes, and do not worry about how your uBPDw perceives it.  She will find an excuse to flip out about something, regardless of what you do, so you might as well do what is most efficient and convenient for you.  Also, don't bother "proving" your trustworthiness by showing her the deleted texts - read the lesson about avoiding JADE.  Cheers!

[byfaith]

Thanks for your reply. I guess I just need to prepare myself for the issues that will arise from me taking control of that situation. It will usually leave her questioning, why did you delete all of your texts? She will get my phone and delete texts that she feels don't belong there. I just have to deal with it the best I know how at this point.

[lizzie458]

I agree that trying to appease her insatiable "curiosity" will not work because it does nothing to address her underlying feelings and insecurities.  It's possible that had you been able to show her the text, she would not have believed what she was seeing and would've created some other story to support her feelings.  This is because pwBPD create "facts" based on whatever they're feeling.  They don't do it on purpose, intentionally, to make you crazy or anything like that.  But if she's feeling insecure about your relationship for whatever reason, her world will be colored by that.  What complicates it even more is the fact that pwBPD have deep seated feelings that they're not right - they are horribly flawed, and not normal.  I think that's why they fabricate these stories to support they're feelings as if to say, "See?  I'm NOT overreacting!  It's normal to feel jealous because clearly you're cheating on me!" or whatever.

You can very well ignore her reactions and live your life how you want.  If you're interested in working on the relationship, however, here's a technique that's worked for me:  validation.  Simply reassuring my dBPDH that his feelings are not wrong, does wonders to soothe his ruffled feathers.  It may take a little while at first, but saying things like, "it sounds like you're really upset," etc. without agreeing with the cognitive distortions, can take the edge off.  Once that's done, the hard part for me is to try to climb into his world and have a conversation about what it is that's underneath all those emotions.  Usually my dBPDh rages when he’s triggered.  But underneath the rage most commonly he feels emasculated and like I don’t need him – this makes him feel like I’m trying to leave him or just push him aside.  Many times the trigger is me being decisive about something or even stating an opinion that is different from his when he asks me – seemingly innocuous stuff, but to him it’s huge.  Sometimes the emotions seem too many to wade through and I just don’t have it in me, but other times (usually when I’m in a healthy place and can keep my self control) I find this very helpful, and he usually calms down quite a bit.  It is important to remember that nothing is ever going to meet his needs for affirmation, affection, etc. etc. and that I can’t “fix him”…but sometimes I am able to help him process a bit and cope better with the emotions that have run rampant.

[lizzie458]

Oh, if you haven't read Randi Kreger's books - I highly recommend those for understanding and managing life with a pwBPD (Walking on Eggshells, and the Essential Family Guide in particular, those are the ones I've read).  I also recommend "The Power of Validation" and hey - if you have time, "Codependent No More" is awesome too.  Great resources can be found in the workshops and tools on this website as well, in addition to good feedback from seasoned "vets" haha.