Saw ex with new guy/fiancé

[me757]

I was driving to meet a friend at a bar when I saw them in the parking lot. They were having some kind of serious talk or fight. The guy looked exhausted and frustrated. She just looked lost. I parked away from the bar and stayed in my car till they left a few minutes later. Pretty sure my exBPD saw me.

They looked a lot like how my ex and I were towards the end - not good. Her and I made it 5 months. They are at around 5-6 months now but got engaged within the 3rd month. It was validating to see them and also exposed her "perfect" facebook image with him as a lie. Not to mention I saw my exBPD for the first time in 5 weeks a few days ago where she said she was freaking out about the marriage, which is in 2 months. She said she had cold feet but was halfway done planning the wedding and couldn't back out now... . yikes. She mentioned that she still has feelings for me and another ex that I never met. She also mentioned that the fiancé moved in with her - most likely pressured by her because she can't be alone. He could have also done it to prevent her from straying.

I'm glad I saw them now and not a month or so ago when it affected me a lot more. It really didn't hurt to see them, which is amazing. I'm 6 months out and this is a huge step. Maybe it was cause I finally saw the guy and saw how much of a downgrade he was. I do not envy them or their situation. However, I do worry about a full blown recycle attempt in the case that they don't make it to the wedding.

[Clearmind]

If you do recycle what can you expect?

[Mr Bean]

How come those people with BPD always got engaged or married after 3 months? There are so many of them that i ve read it here. Probably we were dating same girls 

[KellyO]

First: congratulate yourself and be happy that it is not you who has to take it! Recycle will happen only if you allow. You being afraid of it tells you know you are weak when it comes to her.

[OutsidetheHermitWalls]

Let me give you a reality check; not that all situations are the same; but I went through with a marriage and she left seven weeks later, cost me 15k, my job because of my inability to cope, and 6 months of my life in emotional torment.  Be glad you are out and stay out if you can as hard as it is.  Mine never spoke to me again which at the time killed me but in hindsight it probably was for the better... .

[mango_flower]

The little messed up part of my brain would give anything to see my ex and her new fiancee acting like this!  I doubt it though, because I get the feeling she'd be making my life hell right now if things weren't going well for her. 

How did it make you feel seeing that, other than being worried about a possible recycle attempt?  Was it validating for you to know it wasn't YOU who caused it? x

[Undone123]

I keep this on my phone, so every time I feel a bit weak I read it:

She wont change

You can't make her better

She doesn't love you

Things really were that bad

You can't bee friends with her

She'll keep abusing you for as long as you let her

SHE ISN'T GOING TO MOVE ON TO A NEW MAN AND SUDDENLY BE GREAT AND NORMAL.

She will continue to be the same miserable woman she was when she was with you.

A few wonderful moments don't make up fro how abusive she is the majority of the time.

YOU DESERVE BETTER

You had a life before her; you'll have a much happier life without her.

I checked out my exes facebook yesterday, I think she is trying to recycle an ex before me. I know that relationship was a big car crash like ours... . So don't sweat it. Unless THEY commit to therapy, and change, it wont work. It will be a car crash... . The biggest thing I've learned is that the emphasis is on them! They need to want to change! and there is very little that us as Nons can do.

[babyducks]

I keep this on my phone, so every time I feel a bit weak I read it:

She wont change

You can't make her better

She doesn't love you

Things really were that bad

You can't be friends with her

She'll keep abusing you for as long as you let her

SHE ISN'T GOING TO MOVE ON TO A NEW MAN AND SUDDENLY BE GREAT AND NORMAL.

She will continue to be the same miserable woman she was when she was with you.

A few wonderful moments don't make up fro how abusive she is the majority of the time.

YOU DESERVE BETTER

You had a life before her; you'll have a much happier life without her.

DANK -  love it.  thank you!

[me757]

Clearmind - I no longer want to get back together with her or think she will change (won't unless she went to therapy.) I'm weak when it comes to us not being friends. I never pursue her like all the other ex's did.

KellyO - Yeah, I'm afraid because I know that I'm weak when it comes to her. Logically I know theres no hope but physically she can be hard to resist.

Mango_Flower - When I saw it it was surprisingly alright. If they had have been acting loving to each other maybe it would be different. But they were obviously stressed and not having fun. I think we can all relate to these moments. It gave me a bit of a flashback to how awful and draining she was. I could see it in the guys body language. It also was another example to show me that it wasn't me... . it is the BPD in her that does this. So it was very validating. It was also validating when she said she had cold feet, was still in love with me and another ex and was in a crazy stressful situation getting married. I don't wish her pain but I have my validation and it does help.

[Octoberfest]

I keep this on my phone, so every time I feel a bit weak I read it:

She wont change

You can't make her better

She doesn't love you

Things really were that bad

You can't bee friends with her

She'll keep abusing you for as long as you let her

SHE ISN'T GOING TO MOVE ON TO A NEW MAN AND SUDDENLY BE GREAT AND NORMAL.

She will continue to be the same miserable woman she was when she was with you.

A few wonderful moments don't make up fro how abusive she is the majority of the time.

YOU DESERVE BETTER

You had a life before her; you'll have a much happier life without her.

I checked out my exes facebook yesterday, I think she is trying to recycle an ex before me. I know that relationship was a big car crash like ours... . So don't sweat it. Unless THEY commit to therapy, and change, it wont work. It will be a car crash... . The biggest thing I've learned is that the emphasis is on them! They need to want to change! and there is very little that us as Nons can do.

Honestly this is my greatest fear.  Because to me it would mean that there was something wrong with ME.  And while I DID make mistakes in that relationship, it would kill me to think i somehow "brought on" all the cheating.