beyond wounded

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So, I finally sent an email to family and friends asking for help in getting home to the US and away from my BPD. I have begun my exit strategy. So far, I've had no response.

And for the last hour, my BPD has come into the spare room where I hide out and has told me all the things that are wrong with me. I sat and listened.

I'm abusive

I'm lazy

I'm a psycho

I'm a sociopath

All his friends hate me because I'm so mean to him

The reason why I'm so worthless is because I'm American... . that's what all his friends say.

I can't clean house. (The apartment was always clean before I came to town.)

I don't do dishes

I don't go grocery shopping

If I go grocery shopping I don't buy the right food

I don't cook dinner

My job is worthless... .

I'm addicted to Facebook and all I do is post photos (I'm a photographer and writer)

I have nothing but excuses as to why my business isn't making money in this new country yet.

I haven't learned Swedish

I am responsible for his alcoholism

I am responsible for him becoming an "evil person"

I am responsible for his debts

I need to leave this country right away because the last year has been hell for him.

All I do is sit on the couch

I never help put away groceries

I don't take out the garbage

He does EVERYTHING!

And when he accused me of being abusive, I showed him the bathrobe that he shredded with the scissors and he said "Too bad you weren't in it"

And... . I sat and listened.

[sadinsweden]

So, I finally sent an email to family and friends asking for help in getting home to the US and away from my BPD. I have begun my exit strategy. So far, I've had no response.

And for the last hour, my BPD has come into the spare room where I hide out and has told me all the things that are wrong with me. I sat and listened.

I'm abusive

I'm lazy

I'm a psycho

I'm a sociopath

All his friends hate me because I'm so mean to him

The reason why I'm so worthless is because I'm American... . that's what all his friends say.

I can't clean house. (The apartment was always clean before I came to town.)

I don't do dishes

I don't go grocery shopping

If I go grocery shopping I don't buy the right food

I don't cook dinner

My job is worthless... .

I'm addicted to Facebook and all I do is post photos (I'm a photographer and writer)

I have nothing but excuses as to why my business isn't making money in this new country yet.

I haven't learned Swedish

I am responsible for his alcoholism

I am responsible for him becoming an "evil person"

I am responsible for his debts

I need to leave this country right away because the last year has been hell for him.

All I do is sit on the couch

I never help put away groceries

I don't take out the garbage

He does EVERYTHING!

And when he accused me of being abusive, I showed him the bathrobe that he shredded with the scissors and he said "Too bad you weren't in it"

And... . I sat and listened.

[Findingmysong723]

I'm so sorry you had to go through that! Denial is a powerful and a scary thing, he denies to himself that the issues are really with him! I hope you hear back from your family and friends very soon, so you'll be in the United States very soon! Wishing you the best!

[mango_flower]

That last line about the bathrobe chilled me... .

I'm glad you've sent that email - keep us updated.  I hope you can get a plan in place.

Thinking of you xxx

[fakename]

sadinsweden,

i remember you... . glad you sent the email to family and friends... .

if your BPD is anything like mine, she's really just unhappy about herself in all those areas that he complained about you... .

i'm sure it hurts. those are harsh things to hear from someone whos supposed to show to affection... .

yet, i took it from my ex, and it caused me a lot of damage. hurt me internally - my self esteem and self confidence... .

dont carry any of his shame with you. just do what you have to do. make whatever progress you have to make step by step.

try not to let his words or actions get to you anymore

[sadinsweden]

Are BPDs delusional? Seriously. He keeps telling me I've done all this stuff and those things never happened. And this episode with him seems to be lasting much longer than most... . might that be because he thinks I'm leaving? It almost seems like he's lost his mind.

[Consumed]

S.I.S  

I relate with you so much and agree so much with Fakename. I've heard a lot of the same things from exBPDgf. All except the out of country stuff. I remember sitting saying to myself, WOW! Listening to her say things that nobody has ever said to me. There were so many times it was really hard to imagine this stuff physically coming out of the mouth of someone I thought I fell in love with and devoted every waking minute too.  It caused so much anxiety. It was hard to take from someone I tried so hard to please, comfort, and love. Like 'Fake', internalizing that stuff is so hard not to do,, but if you can leave it all with him and not question yourself about ANY of the accusations, it will save a lot of self-judgment. The good things you believed about yourself before you met him are the true, real things, not the false ammunition he saved up on a daily basis to throw at you every time "Chaos Inc." opened for business. I did not realize how much I took in and used against myself until recently (now 5 months NC) Clap for me, Yeay! It really pounded on how I think of life. The longer it goes on, the hard it is the brush off an not question ourselves. I am just starting to come out of a super low depression because of this exact reason. before her, I would have never, ever considered myself having depression. I hope things happen really, really soon for you. Keep Typing! Thanks FakeName.

[Consumed]

S.I.S

It certainly feels like delusions, because the accusations don't seem to even connect with anything relevant. I know in my situation, the more I would come closer to sticking to my boundaries and trying to figure out how to leave the R/S, the worse it would get. That's why it seems so delusional. Her fear of being abandon drove her over the edge every time. There was NO realizing for her it was that exact behavior I wanted away from and she would think even more irrationally instead of talking like an actual adult. The more I couldn't take, the more she gave me.

[sadinsweden]

Thank you everyone for your comments and support.

I don't know. Right now I'm so sad. In reflecting on all that he has said to me over that past 48 hours (and again this morning... . and again I had to stop typing here because he wasn't thru with me ... . it never seems to stop) the only thing I think that perhaps I could have done more of was to cook more dinners. I'm a lousy cook. He knew this wasn't one of my strong suits and I thought that was an understanding between us.

Just to get this right in my mind... . because I have to say the words: I think I was a good partner. I came to Sweden in June 2012. I was so excited to be celebrating my first year here. When I got here I went and registered at all the governmental agencies that I was suppose to (he says I didn't do that fast enough... . I was lazy). I got my residence permit, my personal number. I went to the employment office and was approved for the Culture and Media branch (yes, you must be approved). I met with who I needed to meet with. I was putting together my business plan. I registered for SFI (Swedish for Immigrants language course). The completion of my business plan would have provided start up funds for my business, so I was hopeful that there would be money coming into our household from that. SFI would also have paid me financial aid, so there was that. I got my first job with a local news publication and so far have written three article for them and my photos were published twice. There was money coming in from that.

I talk about money here because I believe much of this breakdown for my BPD is stress because he has been having to support me for the last 5 months. Now I grant you, that is a heavy burden. But my BPD is not the first guy who has had to be primarily responsible for the bills. He has many friends whose wives go to school or stay home as moms, and the guy supports them. I'm not that kind of girl. I like to be dependent and have done so since I was 16 years old. I was the single parent of two boys and raised them well. I supported a house, a car and all the elements required of American life. I ran my own business for over ten years. I sat on the Board of Directors for a Design organization. So I worked hard to try and create job opportunities and sources of money. But it takes time. (It wasn't fast enough, he says. "Always another excuse", he says)

I came here to Sweden with $15,000. and contributed all of that to our relationship and the set up of our home and of course required groceries etc. I paid my bills until I ran out of money. I brought in another $5000.00 from some lingering clients in the US. None of this has been appreciated. I did not buy clothes for myself, shoes, cosmetics. I wore summer clothes thru out the winter as as to know add any unnecessary financial burdens. All the money I brought in went toward our relationship and home. He says I contributed nothing. He says I'm the reason he is now in debt.

I've been told that I'm a freeloader. "I'm a teenager who is rebelling against her father" (I swear, it's a direct quote).

So, for the last year while doing all this... . I was also adjusting to a new country, new culture, new city. I had to learn everything all over again according to new systems, rules and measurements. It's hard to be an expat. It's exciting yes... . but it's also a lot of work.

To make up for the lack of income I was bringing in, I cleaned house. Washed laundry. And tried to create a nice home. Not good enough. I offered suggestions as to how we could work together... . how we could try and make ends meet (I was a single mom so I'm very good at this... . but you can't make ends meet when your partner is drinking everyday... . but of course, that is my fault too. I made him an alcoholic)

So I found my jewelry (which he had hidden from me). I'm heading into the city to sell most of what is left of my mother's inheritance. I asked "If you want me to leave (because he's told me about 20 times to go back to the US), please help me do that. Would you please go with me to ensure that these pawn shops don't rip me off". The answer "No, you are a grown up. You made your own bed so lie in it. I have other plans for today."

I said I have about $400 in invoicing but I don't understand the process of taxation here. I asked for help (actually have been asking him to help me on this since March). The reply "no."

I am completely alone. And brokenhearted.

[Surnia]

A big, big hug  , sadinsweden

It is very hard to hear such a list! Keep in mind, this is projection. It is basically his attempt to gain control over you making you responsibly for his problems.

Migration is hard work, I know. You did your best. It is very important that you stick with yourself. You did your best and you are with someone with very serious mental problems. This is for everyone a big burden and in a foreign country it gets even harder.

His list is projection. Has nothing to do with you.

[Broken Dreams]

I'm so glad you hit that send button. It sounds like your exit plan is really starting to come together - good for you!

I can relate to so much of your situation. I can understand you feeling completely alone - I feel that way too. But know that you are not. 

[DarkCurls54]

Part of the exquisite "sensitivity" that comes with the BPD is the uncanny ability to find JUST the right spot where their SO's feel the most vulnerability and shame and stick the knife in at precisely that spot.  My ex kept telling me that I was guilty of "boundary violations" which is something I am particularly sensitive to - and so I ALMOST NEVER DO IT!  HE was the one violating MY boundaries, being demanding and leaning on ME.  But in his terror of me "getting him first" by leaving the relationship, he found a way to PROJECT all that on ME.  PwBPD are like absorbent mirrors - they have no real center, no real identity.