A friend of mine is borrowing my IPOD, so I had to reload all of my music onto it. Anyway, I decided to listen to a song that I haven't heard in a while. It's called "Invisible" by Alexa Ray Joel. It sort of reminded me of my ex, but I'm not crying or anything. I'll paste the lyrics and then explain why it reminds me of him.
They say it doesn't matter
This love is in my mind
We never got it right, anyway
They say I'm doin' better
I should be feelin' fine... .
This part reminds me of my friends, family, etc. Anyone who doesn't understand how painful this situation is, or why it is so difficult to move on. They all think it's like any other "normal" break-up, only it isn't. They say things like "He's old news now," or "Why are you still looking at his stuff or worried about what he's doing?" "What is it about him?" All I can do is say "I just love him. He made me feel like I was the only person in the world who mattered." Then they say "Anyone can make you feel that way." Really, they can't. I've had guys try and win me over since the break-up and all it has done is make me want my ex more. I know eventually I will meet someone amazing, but right now, I'm still missing that honeymoon or idealization period with my ex. No one gets me like he did.
But this pain is growing
And though I keep on going
I don't feel that I'm OK
Cause each time you walk away--
I'm still tryin' to fight it... .
"Each time you walk away... . I'm still trying to fight it." The push/pull thing? Really I'm the one who walked away, but I didn't want to. I felt like I needed to in order to ensure my own well-being. I was tired of being depressed.
I am not invisible
No, I'm not invisible
But you make me feel that way
You won't let yourself see me
Being painted black, or being treated like a nonperson. You love someone and then all of a sudden, you don't matter anymore. They move on so quickly. It hurts.
And when you find me standing there
Will you pretend you're not aware
I'm the girl you broke in two
So I can't say--
A single word to you... .
This really hits home. Before him, I had never been in a long distance relationship before. It hurt so much more because I couldn't physically be there to talk to my ex about things. I know it probably wouldn't have made a difference either way, but I always thought "If I could just see him... . if he could see how miserable I am... . if he could see my face... . my tears, he'd change his ways." I have this vision of myself going to see him, just popping up. I know it sounds crazy and there's no way that would ever happen, but I imagine what his reaction would be. Could be really act like I'm invisible then? Could he ignore me?
You say you're movin' on, now
I gotta let it go
And this is not healthy anymore
I know it isn't healthy. I want desperately to let it go, and I feel like I get closer to doing that as each day passes.
And I should understand you
You're so logical
But I just don't hear you--
Cause if I can't be near you--
Nothin' ever feels OK--
And I've tried to walk away,
But it's not in me to fight it
The way she sings this part... . "you're so logical," it's like she's joking about it. As if she's saying "Yeah right." He was never logical. The things he said and did made no sense, especially since he claimed he loved me yet was always disrespecting me and making me cry.
I am not invisible
No, I'm not invisible
But you make me feel that way
You won't let yourself see me
And when you find me standing there
Will you pretend you're not aware
I'm the girl you broke in two... .
And you can watch me close the door
Cause I'm not broken anymore
The only thing that's plain to see
Is you've become invisible to me... .
I cannot wait to get to this point. I want to wake up and not have him on my mind. I want to go to sleep without wondering what he's doing, or how much fun he's having with his new girlfriend. I'll get there someday. We all will.
