Is it wrong for me to want NC?

[KHC_33]

So I have some serious questions that I need feedback on. Yesterday I was quite emotional because my fiancé at first said he wouldn't see his son for the rest of the summer. Then tells me last-night maybe he will skip one visit and see how it goes to taking him away for the weekends and prove that he still will flip out no matter what.

I basically was up all night because I feel that my fiancé is allowing this chaos to continue.

I mean I can work with kids as long as they give a little but his son doesn't not even an inch. His ex and his mother are constantly providing a BPD environment and nurturing those traits in his son.

I told my fiance today that I shut down. I want out. I am scared I am going to get hurt because I am already hurt. I feel like a fight or flight response. I don't know if I can really see myself dealing with this all over again. I am trying my BEST to be supportive and such but it is SO much effort on my part to deal with the BPD drama again.

My fiance finally said well if I have to I will cut ties, give his mother full custody and sign my rights away. He doesn't even know if his son is biologically his and wants a DNA test if he does part with him. When his son was here past weekend. He was so rude to his Dad. Who was lovingly trying to show how much he does love him and care. His son looked at his tablet and ignored him. Kept going yep. His Dad said fine you won't see me for the rest of the summer. His son was like fine. Continued to play on his tablet. His grandmother picked him up at midnight because his son didn't want to stay. His grandmother just told my fiancé he will pay the ultimate price. He is the one causing all this chaos. The things that came out of his son's mouth was horrible. Saying my girls aren't even blood, not related and he should be making him the ONLY PRIORITY in his Dad's life. Here is the kicker. My fiancé has an older daughter (STEP DAUGHTER) not his just like my two girls and somehow his son is okay with that because that is his half sister. His friends' wife even told me that his son is used to manipulating and controlling his Dad all the time. The daughter and I (are very close) she adores my girls completely.    Part of me feels relief and the other part feels sick when he says he will cut off his son completely. I mean I love this man! I believe it or not I do love his son. I just can't physically or emotional deal with the behaviours. It is a NO WIN situation. No matter how hard you try, they are bound to fail you regardless. It's a vicious cycle of chaos and the only way I have learned to deal with it is to get off the roller coaster. PERIOD.

Am I wrong? Am I being selfish? I just don't have the energy to fix or to try and solve this. Because it will not be fixed or solved. I know that deep down. This is something that is going to be around for a long time inless his son gets professional help he needs (which he wont because his ex blames it all on my fiancé) No point is trying to suggest anything because she is so far gone. No one can get through to either of the women in his son's life.

I don't want to punish my fiancé but at the same time I don't want to suffer either.

[Kwamina]

Hello KHC_33 

I read your post and it seems you were having a tough day emotionally. How are you feeling now that a few days have passed? The situation with your husband's son isn't easy and I can see how frustrating this must be for you. Unfortunately you can't just fix this like you already pointed out yourself. That is an unpleasant reality to accept but if the person with BPD doesn't acknowledge his/her issues and refuses to get help, there usually isn't much we can do about it. But this situation doesn't have to last forever though, perhaps in time your husband's son will come to new insights. I don't believe you're wrong or selfish at all for wanting to go no contact. I have two BPD relatives myself (mom & older sis) and I can remember that since the age of 9/10 I wanted to be out of there because I couldn't stand the constant negativity and chaos. The BPD drama can really take a toll on you and I think it's good that you're exploring ways to protect your own emotional well-being. I personally don't see your articulating this desire as punishing your fiancée but more like you trying to take care of yourself because you've reached the point that enough really is enough.

[KHC_33]

To be honest I ended up in the hospital.  My arrythmia went on for over an hour and has been bothering me since daily. Today I am starting to feel stronger... I am now reading about Miracle of Magnesium.  I am learning I absolutely have to take care of me. I explained to my fiance he needs to want to protect my health. By his son's actions he puts me on overload. Whether that means we aren't around when he visits that is up to him. I just know I am not loosing my heart or life over the stress. I have to take care of me. As much as I want to help fiance son I am not in a state to do it.

I can't look at the entire picture. Or worry. Or wonder. Whatever happens it will have to be based how I can deal with it. My fiance knows this and supports me. We love each other very much. He stands with me. My girls understand Mom needs to put effort into looking after herself now. So thats where I am and what I am doing