13 year old daughter got crushed by BPD wife

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Tough day today - my 13 year old daughter received a text that was meant for my stbexw "friend" - my daughter knew her mom was lying to her, my wife tried to cover with another lie, which my daughter again replied I know your lying.  It crushed my daughter as my stbex has told her she's not dating or living with anyone.  This text probably did more damage to their relationship than anything else.  The sad part is that my stbex shifted the blame on me right now saying it's my fault and not to play innocent.  My daughter wont tell me what it said and I have no clue - but my wife took her and I think spun another web of lies -

[cal644]

Tough day today - my 13 year old daughter received a text that was meant for my stbexw "friend" - my daughter knew her mom was lying to her, my wife tried to cover with another lie, which my daughter again replied I know your lying.  It crushed my daughter as my stbex has told her she's not dating or living with anyone.  This text probably did more damage to their relationship than anything else.  The sad part is that my stbex shifted the blame on me right now saying it's my fault and not to play innocent.  My daughter wont tell me what it said and I have no clue - but my wife took her and I think spun another web of lies -

[broken3]

Cal,

It will hurt and sting both of you for a while. But the truth is already known.

Just take the high road and be a good dad.

Your daughter already knows.

[mamachelle]

Hi cal644,

It's hard to know what to say and probably best to let your DD13 know you are there for her but not push the issue. These things usually come out sooner or later when a child is ready to talk.

How often is your DD with you?

Do you two have a pretty good relationship otherwise?

There are some validation techniques you can use to talk with her. Not sure if you've seen this book but I highly recommend it for talking with teenagers and people with BPD and just about anyone in between... .

I Don't Have To Make Everything All Better - Gary Lundberg and Joy Lundberg

mamachelle

[cal644]

We currently do a week and week for custody Fri-Fri, my daughter and I have an excellent relationship and are so similar, we actually used to do everything together - if anything good has come out of this divorce process my stbex is now trying to play super mom and spending more time with my daughter - which she didn't spend much time with before.  But through this process she has tried to tell my daughter a number of lies about me - all of which I have explained to her in the "real mind/not warped mind" - and honestly I think that's why my stbex is not fighting for full custody - because if it came to the choice she knows who my daughter would choose.

[mamachelle]

cal644,

This sounds good about your relationship. 

It's still hard when kids find out a parent is lying. I am glad to hear your D has a good head on her shoulders.

My DD 13 and 16 and I have a very good relationship too. I've been as honest as I could with them over the years and they have become pretty good judges of character whether it's an adult or another friend.

My DD have done therapy as well. Right now they are not in therapy, but it's been a good thing for them. Something to consider for your D as she heads into high school if she's not already.

mamachelle