Being kept at arm's length while he's depressed... experiences?

[nomoremommyfood]

I currently have a lengthy thread going on somewhere but I thought I'd distill some of the essence and present a more general question.

My dBPDboyfriend is in the midst of a self-destructive, depressive episode. The last time this happened, I insisted on continuing to see him when he was hyper-volatile and I was hyper-sensitive. Needless to say, we intensely fought. Recently, he's started avoiding me after conflicts until he was able to contain his anger... . something I commend.

With this current episode, he's staying out of my physical presence though occasionally talking over the phone. He claims his depression is so bad, I might not see him for "one or two years." When he randomly lashed out at me, I made it clear that - while I very much wanted to help and support him - he was doing the right thing by staying away. It feels odd and uncomfortable to be placed on a distant "island" a few blocks from him to wait an unknown amount of time in stasis. I know his intentions are probably good and don't want to irritate him, but hate having my hands. I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing or if I'm putting his safety at risk. And, of course, I'm beginning to mirror the depression which is really nerve-wracking!

I'm wondering if anyone has experienced this type of stress-related depressive episodes in their pwBPD or been kept physically "at bay" during episodes of self-destruction? As always, any advice would be much appreciated!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[united for now]

Is he in T or on meds for his depression?

People have to have a reason to change. Either they want something or they want to get rid of something. The desire for change can't come from others. It has to come from them.

Allowing him some space to feel his sadness may be what he needs to develop a desire for change.

Use this time to work on your own issues... . since you are the only person you can change.

[nomoremommyfood]

Is he in T or on meds for his depression?

This is the grand issue, right now. He refuses to take medication and left individual and group DBT about two years ago. I and now friends of his are suggesting he return to a program in the city and I've volunteered to work toward finding something as I'm good at pulling red tape off the health care system. About a month and a half ago, he began to independently express interest and finally said "make the appointment and I'll consider it."

Unfortunately, I can't do much without his insurance card possessed by his family in the suburbs who don't take him seriously. So my options are significantly limited to free care and a two month wait or convincing him to speak up and get the information I need.

Allowing him some space to feel his sadness may be what he needs to develop a desire for change.

It's going on three weeks. While I don't want to push anything, I'm tired of the "who will call who" thing and it's gotten to the point where it seems absurd and unrealistic for us not to talk. Yesterday, I decided it was silly to mull in anxiety debating the timing of calls to someone whom I've talked to consistently for six years. Is it really so wrong to just go back to normal contact (every few days) particularly when they're upset over something that doesn't involve you?

[united for now]

You can act normal. Nothing stopping you.

You can express concern, caring, support, and encouragement.

A person deep in depression struggles for energy. They lose sight of hope. Have you read up on how to best help a depressed person? not the BPD... . depression

[qwaszx]

I have the same sorta thing happening between me and my friend with BPD, I know all the time apart allows me to work on myself, but I find it very odd, I get even more scared for her and upsetting when shes distanced herself from me mainly because I know what that means for her. (she has always done this when shes extremely depressed, she always keeps me away from her when shes in self destructive mode, and tries her very best to protect me from her rage) for a long time I also would ask, if you will, to be apart of this in her life, to walk through that hell with her, because I want to be their for her, most the time she denies me while she's like this. I have convinced her I could handle it in the past, though really its a extremely hard task, and I makes no sense to be with her through her rage or down times, it just build resentment, adds to her guilt and pain, and makes things worse for both of us in the end... .

anyways I just wanted to say I understand what your going through and how hard it is, but I believe its necessary in both our and their healing... . even though it can sucks, and is unsettling. :/ we have to do what's right for us as our main priority, and be their for support when their ready to try again... .  

[nomoremommyfood]

Just as I was writing an enraged post last night, I got a text message:

"I'm beyond bad can't speak moving out at end of June" ("moving out" of his apartment and to his parent's house in the suburbs).

I instantly broke into tears - though the self-destruction has ended (he gambled himself bankrupt), this was the worst-case scenario. If he moves to his parent's house, not only will I see him at most once a month, but it's really bad for him. A 41 year old man in solitary confinement away from every single positive influence - his friends, his band, his girlfriend, his sense of self-sufficiency - stuck for the rest of his life, unable to leave without a car, and stuck with the family he hates. And for good reason - if you're sibling/son is so damaged that he's a ward of the state, unable to care for himself and legally under his brother's care why was he allowed to run himself into the ground?

And he doesn't have to do this! After ruminating obsessively, there are at least five alternatives to this course of action that are actually easier than the worst case scenario. I'm crossing my fingers that he's so depressed, his thinking is catastrophic. I texted a response:

"_____, please don't make any major decisions until you calm down. There might be a way that doesn't need to happen. I love you and want to help you." (Been afraid to say the "I love you" part for six years)

I know this is really more of a depression or gambling addiction issue than a BPD issue but I don't know where else to go. I've been reading what I can on a partner's depression on the internet but found nothing for adults in long-term relationships who live separately, aside from the article on this forum which is one of the best I've ever read Resources would be greatly appreciated! Furthermore, while initially relieved over holding my breath and waiting for an outcome, I continue to lose weight, lose sleep, and wake up with panic attacks.

I'm planning on going to his apartment tomorrow to bring him some food (he tends not to eat when he's this upset) and see if he wants to talk. Typically, if his phone is turned off, I'm allowed to check up on him but, after 18 days, I'm high strung and scared he'll lash out at me. Still, I want him to know there are solutions, when he's ready for them.

Not sure what to do but I want to do something!

[patientandclear]

Good luck with reaching out, NMMF, & let us know how it goes.

When you say you've avoided "I love you" for six years -- what made you take that approach?  I'm asking because I'm feeling I overstepped with my exbf by saying a few words expressing that he is important to me and that I, and others, here in the city he left, love him.  Seemingly even my very few, very careful words conveying affection made him feel I was trying to capture or envelop him. 

So I'm interested in how you decided on an approach of avoiding saying The Words ... .

[Foreverhopefull]

I would make sure to express my feelings for him (I love you, you are important to me, etc.), remind him that you are there for him, that you support him.

I'm lucky that I can call my dBPDh's T and we can talk about the approach to take with him. This makes situations like these easier. Her biggest recommendation is to remind him that someone cares deeply for him, that he is worth something with concrete examples. Instead of asking: " How are you?" ask "What did you do for yourself today?"... . and sit down and listen to what he has to say. Make a "fuss" about things he did that will bring him on the healthier path (i.e. " You took a shower? That must of felt great afterwards. You do smell great and look more relax. That was great honey" They tend to think that the little things mean nothing... . when they can mean so much more than they could imagine.

[nomoremommyfood]

When you say you've avoided "I love you" for six years -- what made you take that approach?  I'm asking because I'm feeling I overstepped with my exbf by saying a few words expressing that he is important to me and that I, and others, here in the city he left, love him.  Seemingly even my very few, very careful words conveying affection made him feel I was trying to capture or envelop him. 

So I'm interested in how you decided on an approach of avoiding saying The Words ... .

Actually, it was a combination of reading advice on how to deal with a depressed person (i.e, let them know you love them and are here to help them" and a conversation with a friend over the phone wherein I mentioned he was oddly telling me he loved me with more frequency. I mentioned I would reply with "that's sweet" or "thank you" and she's like "what's wrong with you?"

Combined with perhaps being over-emotional from being isolated from him, yet simultaneously caught up in his edge-of-your-seat horse racing drama with empathetic main character and heart-wrenching conclusion.

I was sort of doubtful after the fight two weeks ago when suddenly did NOT love me and, after citing a bunch of oldstuff like, "you used to say you liked how I didn't lie about being not being in love with you like your other boyfriends." Um, that was over five years ago. But after seeing the fallout, I know the fight was a "get out of here so I can freak out" thing... . though we still haven't returned to romance, so I don't know if it was a good idea, yet.

I'm trying to not be nervous about going out of my way to contact him (going to try him on the phone, first) as I want to be in a normal, confident state, particularly so I can handle a lashing out. While worried about being out-of-sorts after the anxiety of not seeing him, everything I've read about depressed people is pretty adamant about reaching out to them when they're socially -

... . and guess who just called and wants to come over here?

[nomoremommyfood]

He's back (I think)!

He was here for six hours, very upset at first and ignoring me while lying on the floor, playing with the dog. Eventually, we started talking. The situation wasn't catastrophic: He's not bankrupt and "moving out" of his apartment via screaming month's notice at his roommate. But he was obviously depressed. He was snippy with me, saying we were "done." When he rolled on his side, I told him I was here to help him, even if he couldn't be the best boyfriend. I caught him with "you said we'd stay together if you didn't go to the wedding and you ALWAYS stick to your word. "Finally, he said "ok."

Things got a little better - he was emaciated and I fed him throughout the day, which I think he appreciated. After breakfast, he went into my room to "lie down" while I held him. After a long time spent thinking "is this gonna get sexual?," it did! 

After that, he mostly sat on the couch watching religious programming (he's not religious) with his sense of humor returning. He did annoy me by bringing up my haircut - that supposedly caused him to "snap" - again saying, "I went six years and I would've gone another six if it wasn't for that." I reminded of the times I'd accepted his own bad haircuts and even the time he dyed is signature silver hair brown.

After eating dinner and being given an aspirin, he noticed he was feeling better. Before he left, I asked why he yelled "never speak to me again" at his roommate when asking to move out and he quietly said "I was dysregulated." I've never him say something like that before.

He left with a kiss goodbye (!) and wants to return to eat the rest of his eggs and bacon.

Not much excitement (unless you're me), but I feel a million times better seeing him with my own eyes after 19 days! Still have some questions about therapy  - I'm urging him to go - but still crossing my fingers that he'll continue returning to the witty, funny, adorable weirdo I call my boyfriend in the coming days.

THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE SUPPORT!