Any suggestions?

[therunningbaker]

Just discovered my mom is UBPD. Don't have time to go see my therapist again before this weekend, was wondering if anyone had any ideas on how I should handle a situation coming up.

My husband has been deployed 4 months and is coming in  tomorrow at 10 AM. I'm beyond excited and anxious to spend some time alone with him. Because I work at a rafting company, this is the busiest week of the year (I take photos) and I am only getting tomorrow off, I'm working the rest of the week. My birthday is on the 5th (friday). In essence, I'm going to have limited time at first with my husband alone, and I want to be a little greedy with it. This is the first time in our entire relationship my husband will be here for my birthday (he's usually deployed), so I want to spend it alone with him. If I decide I want to do anything for my birthday I will see some friends after work or something, but I don't want to plan anything until I see how it goes with my husband coming home.

The problem is my mom has fixated on my birthday and her deep need to see her child on her birthday (despite what I may need or want). She is frustrated I won't plan anything, and keeps texting and calling me angrily about it. I try to explain the need to tread lightly during the reintroduction phase, and how I need to just keep my schedule open. She is convinced I'm lying and planning something behind her back and just not telling her. I'm mostly ignoring her calls and texts because I don't know what to say without causing a fight over my lack of commitment to her.

Has anyone had a situation like this? How did you handle it?

[Calsun]

Hi runningbaker,

Happy Birthday!  One of the things that happens to me, I know, is that I became so concerned about taking care of my mother's needs, needs that were selfish and distorted. A healthy and loving mother would of course understand if you wanted to spend your birthday with your husband.  Your happiness, joy and well being would matter to her.  And she would recognize that she is not the only one in your life. But BPD's don't act from that place. I became so accommodated to the notion that I was kind of a chattel to my mother that I forgot that I had rights to a full life, that I had a right to love others, other than my mother.  So, for me, I know it's important when I feel as though I'm supposed to sacrifice something for my BPD mother, or someone else who might have similar behaviors, to ask if that person is really also concerned about my happiness and well-being.  Is the person who I'm making a priority, and borderlines want to be our foremost priority, are they really making my happiness and well-being their priority?  I spent a lot of times sacrificing, thinking well, it's just one day.  And then before you know it, it's a lifetime of days that are sacrificed to an emotional vampire.

I hope your special day is what you want it to be, and that it is filled with joy!

Calsun