Unusual Self Harming

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

One thing that struck me about my exBPDw was that from my own perspective, she didn't self harm in as far as what most people expect. Through reflection, I have seen patterns that are worrying and quite disturbing and just wondered if anybody else had any insight into the different, unconventional ways their SO self harmed?

My ex was allergic to all antibiotics and although she was always careful about what medication she took, the same couldn't be said for the children. She was constantly calling doctors and getting antibiotics prescribed for the girls. This was something I strongly disagreed with but was often met with anger because I was questioning her judgement. What would also happen is that she would be the one to draw up the medication and it became a battle. Knowing that antibiotics could kill my ex, I would draw them up and give them to the girls. However, the ex started drawing them up for the day in the morning so she always turned it around to her handling something that was dangerous to her.

My ex also had a blood clotting disorder which made her high risk with surgeries where she was faced with a 40% chance of survival. However, whenever she was injured, she would push for surgery and if the injury wasn't severe enough, she would dismiss or ignore it and push herself to the extremes until it became a necessary risk.

The scary thing with both of these is that when I did catch on to the issue, she would make herself out to be a hero and a martyr. She would say that she was risking her life for the children because that's how great a mother she was. What she didn't realise was that it was leaving me as an emotional mess who was facing the prospect of losing his wife every single day. I honestly can't say whether it was being done to see what my reaction was or if it was an intelligent way of self harming, by putting her life in the hands of someone else to do the harming, or even if it was because she firmly believed that what she was doing was the right thing. Either way, it was a very scary and intense way to live and caused me a lot of constant emotional pain.

I just wondered if anybody else had pwBPD who self harmed in unusual ways.

[Murbay]

One thing that struck me about my exBPDw was that from my own perspective, she didn't self harm in as far as what most people expect. Through reflection, I have seen patterns that are worrying and quite disturbing and just wondered if anybody else had any insight into the different, unconventional ways their SO self harmed?

My ex was allergic to all antibiotics and although she was always careful about what medication she took, the same couldn't be said for the children. She was constantly calling doctors and getting antibiotics prescribed for the girls. This was something I strongly disagreed with but was often met with anger because I was questioning her judgement. What would also happen is that she would be the one to draw up the medication and it became a battle. Knowing that antibiotics could kill my ex, I would draw them up and give them to the girls. However, the ex started drawing them up for the day in the morning so she always turned it around to her handling something that was dangerous to her.

My ex also had a blood clotting disorder which made her high risk with surgeries where she was faced with a 40% chance of survival. However, whenever she was injured, she would push for surgery and if the injury wasn't severe enough, she would dismiss or ignore it and push herself to the extremes until it became a necessary risk.

The scary thing with both of these is that when I did catch on to the issue, she would make herself out to be a hero and a martyr. She would say that she was risking her life for the children because that's how great a mother she was. What she didn't realise was that it was leaving me as an emotional mess who was facing the prospect of losing his wife every single day. I honestly can't say whether it was being done to see what my reaction was or if it was an intelligent way of self harming, by putting her life in the hands of someone else to do the harming, or even if it was because she firmly believed that what she was doing was the right thing. Either way, it was a very scary and intense way to live and caused me a lot of constant emotional pain.

I just wondered if anybody else had pwBPD who self harmed in unusual ways.

[tailspin]

Murbay,

Many of those who self harm do so in private; this is a shame based behavior.  My ex always wore a rubber band around his wrist and would snap it when he didn't think I was looking. 

Those suffering this illness don't just paint their partners black; they paint themselves black as well.  During these dark times many will resort to self destructive behaviors such as binge eating, inappropriate sexual activities, feelings of extreme worthlessness, need to be a martyr, etc, because in their minds they don't deserve care and kindness.  Their past experiences, usually with their FOO, have reinforced this belief.

I think she was putting herself in harm's way in an effort to teeter on the brink of always being a victim.  Many engage in self destructive behaviors (death wish) because doing so makes them feel alive.  When your sense of self is compromised... . pain is a reassurance that you really do exist.

tailspin

[Murbay]

Thank you tailspin, it does make sense. I guess it was my own perception of self harming that meant I didn't immediately join the dots.

In my exBPDw's case, much of the self harming was done in a way to say "save me" because she was blatant in some regards. In terms of her back injury, she stated to everybody that one false move could paralyse her and then would make all the moves in front of everybody in an attempt to say "Look what you are making me do"

I wan't the only one that encountered this. My 7 year old step daughter also got the wrath if she left one of her toys out. Rather than doing the logical thing of asking her to put something away, ex would do it in front of her and then lay the guilt on her first for leaving it there and then on me for not being quick enough to react. It turned into a living nightmare where I was constantly following her around the house in case she dropped something.

It was something I raised with my T in regard to "If she needed help with something, why doesn't she just ask rather than assuming people can read her mind?" It got to the stage too where I was constantly picking everything up that I could find but she would still find something else that wasn't done. It felt like a leaking pipe in the sense that you stop the leak in one place and it starts up somewhere else. It was a very emotionally exhausting experience. I guess I was too emotionally exhausted to identify the signs originally because I actually believed everything was my fault and that maybe I wasn't doing the right thing.

Your comment about self destructive behaviours really hit home because despite her perception of her back being on the verge of paralysing her, she still took daughter to the fair and went on all the rides. What she had in her back was a herniated disk and while the risk was always there, it wasn't as severe as she made out. She lived with the pain for almost 18 months before actually getting something done about it. I guess it was one way she could keep the pain without having to inflict it on herself, and each time it was close to healing or repairing itself, she would do something extreme to keep it there.

[lounap23]

My soon to be exwife would wear fake eye lashed like a lot of women do.  But she did so because she would pull hers out.  She especially did this when she was in what appeared to be her happy times.   I think it never is a happy time for pwBPD they do things to cope that we don't understand. My ex pulled her eye lashes and when that didn't help her cope it was into the black thinking.  Fights, anxiety attacks.  Eventually it led to her cheating on me which was the end for us. 

[tailspin]

Murbay,

You might find this thread helpful and interesting:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61982.0

While it doesn't discuss self harming it does give some insight into why you may have believed everything was your fault and why everything was constantly chaotic.

tailspin

[Murbay]

That must have tough for you to go through lounap and I can't imagine what it is like to be in their head finding these ways to cope with the pain. It must be extreme for the lengths they go to to cope.

I'm glad to hear you are coming out the other side now and wish you well with moving forward.

[IwentWithMyInstincts]

Inflicting self-harm for my exBPDbf included binge eating. I eat very healthy and have always eaten my dinner early. It got to the point I couldn't even be in the same room as he when, at around 9:30 or 10:00 at night, I would watch him consume a 5,000 calorie (plus) meal. After the meal he'd eat it half a bag of one pound licorice sticks, a bag of microwave popcorn and about five or six cheese sticks. It was a nightly routine that completely grossed me out.

Then there was the drinking. Initially it was a bottle of wine-maybe a bottle and a half-perhaps two. Then suddenly he stopped drinking bottled wine and began buying boxed wine. When I asked him why he said he didn't want to deal with opening bottles anymore. But the real reason was that boxed wine was less easy to track in terms of consumption. He'd drink nearly an entire box in one night which, if you have ever looked on the box, clearly states that a box of wine contains the equivalent of about four bottles of wine.

The man USED to be very handsome and athletic. But he ended up grossly overweight due to the binge eating and drinking, never exercised and to cap it off, he had high blood pressure and was on two different medications. He ate all sorts of salty foods and I noticed at times his feet and lower legs were swollen. It used to leave me scratching my head when I'd see him add additional salt to his food. Apparently, he didn't "get it" that medicines alone don't completely regulate your blood pressure. It's up to a patient to also follow a doctor's recommendation of a low sodium diet.