Follow my dream

[Perfidy]

I have been making progress. My mind is starting to have some relief. I dreamed last night. First time in quite a while. A few days ago my ex showed up at a neighborhood bar that I go to sometimes. She was with her new guy. A friend told me about it and it triggered a wave of depression in me. I have been zero contact for four and a half months now. Even indirect contact through my friends is no good for me. This latest wave of depression caused me to get up off my butt and start taking a more proactive part in my healing. The dream I had confirms my progress.

The dream:

It began at the neighborhood bar. I was playing a game of pool with a stranger. A big guy with a bald head. We finished our game and started talking. I noticed he had a fresh tattoo on his left arm. He had large biceps and on his left there was a tattoo of a huge red flag. I asked him if it was finished and he said that he didn't know. I turned to my left and across the way stood my ex. She was alone. She just looked at me and said nothing. At first I panicked. I didn't acknowledge her. I pretended to be really drunk and stumbled out the door. I awakened when I was outside.

As soon as I woke up I thought it was a nightmare. But then I thought about it. The bar. The red flag. Me. My ex. My mind is trying to tell me something. Wasn't a nightmare.

[Ironmanrises]

Perfidy,

Perhaps it is your subconscious trying to link that to your conscious mind.

An insightful dream/nightmare.

My thought processers would have been on overdrive if i had a dream/nightmare like that.

Your healing process continues. Stay NC.

It is only way.

[viccijo]

I asked him if it was finished and he said that he didn't know.

I wonder, is this meaning the tattoo or the relationship?

[viccijo]

Sorry, didn't mean to put it all in 'Quotes'. I've not worked out how to do it yet 

[Perfidy]

I am hoping that my suffering is finished. The relationship is clearly finished.

[Suzn]

Interesting dream. I think you're right, your dream is telling you something. You are still processing this beakup of course and the fact that you remember this dream, since you say you haven't had dreams in a while, could suggest you are reaching a deeper level of recovery.

Dreaming about being in a bar suggests something in your waking life that you are obessed with, or have been. The bald man is a part of you, he's the strong "uncaring" or "indifferent" that you long for. He's there with you, you two are becoming a part of each other. The tatoo may be showing you that you of course have had a situation that has left long lasting, longer than you expected, effect on you. The dream showed you what and who.

Here's the best part, you left that place, the bar. Pretending to be drunk or "oblivious" is a defense technique. Not sure if this is how you would deal with your ex if you had to speak, oblivious I mean.  

You may be farther along in your recovery than you realize, a good place, processing and on the right track. The strong part of you is there, you know the effects of this relationship, you don't want to repeat it and you have walked away or inserted distance to protect yourself.

[Perfidy]

Suzn thank you for discussing my dream with me. I read your reply twice. Cried both times. I am not really sure why yet. Still stuck in the past too much? Poison coming out? That person isn't worth my tears.

[Suzn]

Crying is a healthy part of processing and letting go Perfidy. You are the one worth your tears. 

[eyvindr]

Crying is a healthy part of processing and letting go Perfidy. You are the one worth your tears. 

Well said, suzn! 

[Perfidy]

My own poor choices. That is what my self reflection is telling me. An unhealthy lifestyle. A pretty young girl behind the bar. She is very cute and attractive. I dated her a couple of times. Just getting to know her. She is single and getting over a bad relationship. My ex (for lack of a better word because she is really nothing of mine and I'm sorry to have ever met her) came into the bar and made sure that the other girl knew that she was with me at one point. Games.

That was the first time three months that I went there. The young girl and I are friends and we talk easily with one another. She started to tell me about the encounter. She said it was weird. I told her that was all she needed to say. I didn't want to have that conversation. Just about everyone that meets the ex notices her oddness. Why would she make it a point to tell a stranger that she was my ex. She was even with her new boyfriend. Identifying herself with me must raise questions for him.

Now, I am looking at my lifestyle. When I drink I don't get arrested. I don't get into fights. I don't drink very often. I rareley get smashed. I really don't feel like I have a drinking problem. The last relationship that I had began at a bar. It netted a person that was really very sick and it lasted a long time. I paid a heavy price. I fell in love with a person that was in no way compatible with me as a partner. It's been over for many months and the aftermath still haunts me. I didn't cry yesterday. The choking fog is lifting. I still have a ways to go.

[Suzn]

My own poor choices.

I hear you. (if I had a nickle for each time I realized this in my own life, I'd be rich!)

I told her that was all she needed to say. I didn't want to have that conversation.

Excellent example of setting a boundary for your own self preservation!

It's been over for many months and the aftermath still haunts me. I didn't cry yesterday. The choking fog is lifting. I still have a ways to go.

Healing comes in waves, or layers, this is perfectly normal. Recognize this Perfidy, this way when you may be feeling down you know it's all part of healthy healing. Recognizing the good days is part of that too, I'm so glad to hear you are feeling better. It gets better and better. Give time, time.

What are you doing for you today?

[DesertChild]

Not sure if this helps at all, but I would be glad that you had that dream.

When I was breaking up with my parents and my ex, my dreams often would deal with being stuck with them, and sometimes both of them together. It took me a while to work through those dreams and in the dreams set boundaries, which meant that in my waking moments I was also setting boundaries better. (My subconscious also kicked my butt a few times when I had wishful thinking of returning.)

Your dream seems to be telling you that you are progressing and learning boundaries well. You should be proud of yourself. 

[Perfidy]

I have always had good boundaries. I let her crash through them. Several reasons why. So damaging. I usually don't have any problem ending relationships. Something about this one. I don't understand all of the dynamics. The aftermath of my feelings. I was devastated. Destroyed. Reduced to a blubbering pile of flesh with no self worth and little desire to live. Very not much like the person that I thought I was. I excell at everything I choose to invest my time in. I am not a failure but this experience has me very shaken.

[Suzn]

I have always had good boundaries. I let her crash through them. Several reasons why.

You want to talk through these reasons?

[Perfidy]

Sure I can talk about them. I was with a woman way younger. It was a boost for my sick ego. I didn't want to be alone. I wanted to have a sex partner. The sex was over the top. I wanted someone to take care of. I had a strong rescuing behaviour with her. I wanted to feel needed. I wanted to love and be loved. I let her drag me all of the way to hell.

[Suzn]

Was there a time in your life prior to this r/s that you felt any of these things? Where do you feel some of these needs stemmed from?

[Perfidy]

I brought five children into this world. Spent my life taking care of them. It seemed strange for my to not be taking care of them. Like I needed to have someone to take care of since my children are all taking care of themselves now. That is a feeling of emptiness for me.

[Perfidy]

The rescuing I'm not sure about. Someone thought that might be related to my childhood from when my father would get physically violent with my mother. Maybe. Like I said... I'm not sure. My ex came to my house bleeding from a fight with her father. Crying. Hysterical. She asked me if she could stay. I didn't say no. I had a gut feeling then and I ignored it. Opened the gates of hell.

[Suzn]

I brought five children into this world. Spent my life taking care of them. It seemed strange for my to not be taking care of them. Like I needed to have someone to take care of since my children are all taking care of themselves now. That is a feeling of emptiness for me.

Wow, 5 children. That's a lot of responsibility and time consuming for sure. Of course you would feel a void here. This emptiness is sometimes referred to as empty nest syndrome, have you heard of it? Do you spend time with your children now?

Here's some ways the mayo clinic offers to cope with this phenomenon. (It's not a clinical diagnosis)

www.mayoclinic.com/health/empty-nest-syndrome/MY01976

How can I cope with empty nest syndrome?

If you're experiencing feelings of loss due to empty nest syndrome, take action. For example:

Accept the timing. Avoid comparing your child's timetable to your own personal experience. Instead, focus on what you can do to help your child succeed when he or she does leave home.

Keep in touch. You can continue to be close to your children even when you live apart. Make an effort to maintain regular contact through visits, phone calls, emails, texts or video chats.

Seek support. If you're having a difficult time dealing with an empty nest, lean on loved ones and other close contacts for support. Share your feelings. If you feel depressed, consult your doctor or a mental health provider.

Stay positive. Thinking about the extra time and energy you might have to devote to your marriage or personal interests after your last child leaves home might help you adapt to this major life change.

The rescuing I'm not sure about. Someone thought that might be related to my childhood from when my father would get physically violent with my mother. Maybe. Like I said... I'm not sure. My ex came to my house bleeding from a fight with her father. Crying. Hysterical. She asked me if she could stay. I didn't say no. I had a gut feeling then and I ignored it.

This makes perfect sense Perfidy. What was your gut feeling here?

[Perfidy]

My first thought was oh hail no. I couldn't believe what was happening. A surreal moment. My gut was telling me to get as far from her as possible that she would be big trouble. I hesitated for quie a while before I agreed to let her stay. Almost immediately I regretted it. I tried to kick her out very soon after she moved in. I was hopelessly attached and couldn't follow through.

[Suzn]

So do you think there may be a connection? Who could you not save? Think about it... .

[Perfidy]

I'm smart enough to know that I couldn't save her. I knew that she had to be able to come to her own conclusions about herself. I tried to give her a safe place to be so she didn't have to be in a hostile environment and could know a better way of life. It did last for many years. By the end I didn't feel safe in my own home. So yes... Kinda backfired on me. She even warned me about her mental illness early on. I really don't know if anybody can be that strong. I endured. I tried to be supportive. It was all just a big joke. I'm still waiting for the punch line. When I get it I will laugh for years.

[Suzn]

What about you? Who was uncomfortable in both of these scenarios? Did you give in because you were uncomfortable?

Saving her in this moment made who feel better?

My ex came to my house bleeding from a fight with her father. Crying. Hysterical. She asked me if she could stay. I didn't say no.

 

[Perfidy]

I felt sorry for her. I fell for the victim behavior. It was uncomfortable to me. I had only been seeing her for a shirt time maybe two months. I was sorry almost immediately.