Need help staying away from FB?

[Changed4safety]

I've had a very hard time until recently not looking at his FB.  (I won't rehash my story here, it's a long and sad one like most of them. )  The other day I had sort of an epiphany, realizing (FINALLY   ) that it's not about him, it's about me.  I was really struggling with the whole total NC thing.  It just felt wrong on a level I couldn't explain.  I decided to try resolutely to not read his FB, while allowing him access to mine--acting "as if."  "As if" we were friends and it was fine, and anytime he acted like a jerk I could just roll my eyes and not be affected by it.  Strangely, at least so far, it's working.

I simply do not permit myself to look--because I know whatever I see, it will upset me.  I have put boundaries up, yay!  I restrict nothing on his part, but I choose to not involve myself in his life.  I don't think he knows how to act.  It's been tough at times, but I think of the rest of here on BPD Family and our FB struggles, and that helps keep me strong.  Haven't done it for several days now.  How are the rest of us doing?

[me757]

I'm kind of in the same situation. I unfriended my uBPDex a few months ago but still can see her profile. I was considering blocking her completely but instead I'm just going to do what your doing and not look. I almost feel like blocking would set me back. I've tried it on gchat but then I find myself unblocking to see if she's on and then blocking again. I think the "as if" way is a good approach. She hasn't tried to contact me all the time like she used to and if she did then blocking might be necessary.

[Cumulus]

Hi changed4, curious we are as people, and its hard not to check in and see what the ex is doing. At first I felt justified in looking. I had been lied to for years and it was one of the things that helped me discover some truths. But once I knew what was going on, I began feeling like I was intruding on someone else's private life. Looking where I had no business looking. It's his life and its my life now, there is no more our life. I have nothing to gain and my self respect to lose.

[Deleted]

YES! I Totally agree with you I've gone nc and I do not absolutely look at her fb.

Sometimes I feel pathetic, I'm able to take and handle many hardships and situations but for the life of me I cannot view her page it would literally throw me off balance for a while, so why do that to myself. Keep it up! Don't keep tabs or try to know what they're up to it will only make things worse

[caughtnreleased]

Hi I had the same approach.  After our last meeting, and his telling me in the same sentence he was pursuing a serious relationship with someone else and that he loved me, I blocked him.  Then I decided that actually I'm a cool person, and should be proud of myself, and if he wants to come and creep me on facebook well then that's his choice. So I unblocked him and decided to stay away from his page.  It worked, aside from a few moments of weakness when I went on his page and felt bad... . but I keep resisting it everyday, and trying to assert myself and be proud of who I am... . and just not give a damn about his miserable life.

[Changed4safety]

Having a hard day today.  My father was a WWII vet, and D-Day was always special in our family.  It was ":)ad's Day".  My father was an amazing and gentle man, he ran interference when my mother was drinking (when he was present to do so.)  It was from him I got any parental loving and nurturing.  I'm missing him a lot today; he died almost exactly a year and a half ago.  My ex is a big WWII fan, he is actually a reenactor and got to meet Dad once and idolized him.  I had a bad nightmare about my ex and am missing my Dad today, struggling with reaching out to him and looking on the FB page. 

I posted something on my own FB page about Dad, possibly ex will reach out to me.  That's OK, that's not why I posted, I posted to honor Dad.  But I really don't want to reach out to the ex.  I know if I can get through today, as vulnerable and sad as I am, it will be a real victory for me.  So, I'll be checking the forums a lot today. 

[tailspin]

 

I often wonder why it was so easy for me to block him on fb and from calling/texting me.  I think it was as simple as listening to my instincts.  We've ignored our gut for so long it seems strange to do so again but taking these simple steps to reclaim my life was so empowering to me. 

Curiosity isn't an instinct; it's a need.  Survival is an instinct. 

tailspin

[caughtnreleased]

Stay strong and remember that as bad as you feel now, checking on him will just make you feel worse. So just accept your sadness without looking to your ex to make it better... . they never do make it better. Only you can heal yourself.

[Changed4safety]

Tailspin, I actually have very good instincts, I have just chosen to ignore them. I have been right on every count during the five years we were together.  But my conditioning as a child overrode my survival instincts. 

The whole "slam the door" type of NC, while I do not doubt it was helpful, was one of those "cure worse than the disease" things for me.  It actually made me focus MORE on my ex.  This works, except for the tough days, like today. 

I am synching up a new smartphone and had a nasty jolt when I read the calendars from Google--it gave me all of them, including the one for both of us I had created that I no longer looked at.  I kept trying to figure out how to change it (I did).  It was pretty gut-punchy to be reminded that the ex's WWII Reenactor's Ball is this Saturday, and to think that he will be there not with me, the genuine daughter of a WWII hero, but the New Girl.  That really reinforced how little I want to know about his life, as that was a truly accidental situation of just stumbling on something. 

He also is sharing my Netflix account.  He has started to watch a new show that I know the New Girl loves, never fun to log on and see that he's been watching it and wonder if they're watching it together.  Thinking of cancelling the account, it's been acting up and with summer I'm watching less TV.  Besides, he brags about how great a pirate he is, what does he need with Netflix. LOL! 

Thanks for the support, everyone!

[Changed4safety]

Really surprised that I haven't heard from him, but I wonder why.  He's never been very thoughtful, and has always disappointed me.  I did break down and quickly check his FB, refused to look at anything but the latest response though, so he hasn't been on FB all day.  I think I need to realize that any time I expect/hope/rely on him to do ANYTHING good/kind/thoughtful/reliable, he's just going to let me down, and expect diddly squat. 

I think I will cancel the Netflix, too.

I think it hurts so bad because he supposedly "admires" WWII vets so much, and loves to bask in the "Wow, you are so awesome, to remember them and keep what they did alive!" but when it comes right down to it, he is doing it because it is fun, and it's all about people thinking he's cool, and he can strike a noble pose and say "aw shucks, don't thank me, thank the real heroes, the vets!"   

[fromheeltoheal]

I unfriended her on Facebook. unfollowed her on Twitter, broke the connection on LinkedIn and got her off my Netflix account the day after I broke up with her, and I haven't been back, not even once, and it hasn't been hard.  Initially it was because I was royally pissed off when I left her, but with time I just saw doing those things as all bad and no good.  Facebook is skewed towards the positive anyway, everyone posting how awesome their life is, and I didn't need to see that from her, mostly because it would get me thinking about how it was when it was good, make me doubt myself, and maybe start wanting to contact her again, all things that would distract me from the truth that she is extremely disordered, and the abuse, devaluing and disrespect that came my way was just completely unacceptable, even though I was heavily conflicted when I was in it, and I ain't goin' back, no matter what.

[Changed4safety]

I looked. ><

Nothing more than inane chatter, but the new GF is getting bolder, she's actually posting more often. 

I realized that the ex is off on a WWII reenactment this weekend, forgot about it (YAY that I forgot about something regarding him.)

I don't get why this is so hard for me.  He's tried to come back so many times before, and I know if he did, I'd still say "no" again... . so what is going on with me?  Why can't I get over him?   

Going to bed tonight with the new koala toy I bought for myself... . it's a long story, but it should bring me comfort. 

[confetti]

What is pretending "as if"?

I see it mentioned a lot but I don't seem to get what it does... . you're pretending to still be friends?_?

[Octoberfest]

I looked. ><

Nothing more than inane chatter, but the new GF is getting bolder, she's actually posting more often. 

I realized that the ex is off on a WWII reenactment this weekend, forgot about it (YAY that I forgot about something regarding him.)

I don't get why this is so hard for me.  He's tried to come back so many times before, and I know if he did, I'd still say "no" again... . so what is going on with me?  Why can't I get over him?   

Going to bed tonight with the new koala toy I bought for myself... . it's a long story, but it should bring me comfort. 

I could be wrong about you, but... .

For me, it is because I integrated her fully into my life.  She was part of every one of my days, if nothing else each night we would stay at one of our places together.  I brought her home to my family 3 times or so, shared with her parts of me that I had never let anyone before.  She affected most every one of my decisions about people places and things, not because she demanded control of me like that, but because I cared for her so much I took being with her into consideration for everything.

Also,

For me, I think I took on a lot of her problems and baggage upon myself.  She, like a lot of other pwBPD's has a really hitty past, filled with sharing herself with way too many people, the wrong people, family strife, physical abuse, emotional abuse, etc.  I sort of became an emotional punching bag, letting the things she has had to deal with throughout her entire life affect me.  I am not entirely sure why I did this... . I think I loved her so much and knew how badly all of these things hurt her (and in some cases, I perceived that they hurt her, I could've been totally wrong) that I wanted to carry all of her hurt for her.

I talked about all of this with a friend over dinner tonight.  He was with me this past year and heard about everything as it happened.  I had the realization that, if I am just thinking about myself for a change, instead of US, I am SO much better off without her.  My heart goes out to her, it really, really does, that she has to live with all of the things in her past and most likely the things that will happen going forward (although I pray she does not suffer any more than she already has up till this point), but that does not mean that those things are my burden to bear.  :)oing a VERY quick self inventory, I am:

20 years old

Healthy

An excellent, supportive family

In, all things considered, damn good shape

Generally speaking, good enough looking

In college, with plenty of women my age everywhere

I could have such a bright future ahead of me, if only I managed to cast away the lines that have tethered me to that sinking ship (and again, it breaks my heart every time I say something like that).  And it is exactly what I am working on doing.

I struggle so much to fully let go because I am a hugely compassionate person.  And I have a hell of a time just not caring about someone hurting.

[fromheeltoheal]

What is pretending "as if"?

I see it mentioned a lot but I don't seem to get what it does... . you're pretending to still be friends?_?

In general showing up

"as if" is choosing to believe that the way you want to be, different to how you are or perceive yourself, is already true, and showing up thay way right now intentionally.  It applies to BPD relationships or anything else.  Can be very effective; it's a matter of focus.

[MarcinN7]

I looked. ><

Nothing more than inane chatter, but the new GF is getting bolder, she's actually posting more often. 

I realized that the ex is off on a WWII reenactment this weekend, forgot about it (YAY that I forgot about something regarding him.)

I don't get why this is so hard for me.  He's tried to come back so many times before, and I know if he did, I'd still say "no" again... . so what is going on with me?  Why can't I get over him?   

Going to bed tonight with the new koala toy I bought for myself... . it's a long story, but it should bring me comfort. 

I could be wrong about you, but... .

For me, it is because I integrated her fully into my life.  She was part of every one of my days, if nothing else each night we would stay at one of our places together.  I brought her home to my family 3 times or so, shared with her parts of me that I had never let anyone before.  She affected most every one of my decisions about people places and things, not because she demanded control of me like that, but because I cared for her so much I took being with her into consideration for everything.

Also,

For me, I think I took on a lot of her problems and baggage upon myself.  She, like a lot of other pwBPD's has a really ty past, filled with sharing herself with way too many people, the wrong people, family strife, physical abuse, emotional abuse, etc.  I sort of became an emotional punching bag, letting the things she has had to deal with throughout her entire life affect me.  I am not entirely sure why I did this... . I think I loved her so much and knew how badly all of these things hurt her (and in some cases, I perceived that they hurt her, I could've been totally wrong) that I wanted to carry all of her hurt for her.

I talked about all of this with a friend over dinner tonight.  He was with me this past year and heard about everything as it happened.  I had the realization that, if I am just thinking about myself for a change, instead of US, I am SO much better off without her.  My heart goes out to her, it really, really does, that she has to live with all of the things in her past and most likely the things that will happen going forward (although I pray she does not suffer any more than she already has up till this point), but that does not mean that those things are my burden to bear.  :)oing a VERY quick self inventory, I am:

20 years old

Healthy

An excellent, supportive family

In, all things considered, damn good shape

Generally speaking, good enough looking

In college, with plenty of women my age everywhere

I could have such a bright future ahead of me, if only I managed to cast away the lines that have tethered me to that sinking ship (and again, it breaks my heart every time I say something like that).  And it is exactly what I am working on doing.

I struggle so much to fully let go because I am a hugely compassionate person.  And I have a hell of a time just not caring about someone hurting.

I can give you an insight on whats awaiting for you if you would stay.

I was in your shoes.

I was 18 when i met her and we started dating. She has BPD/AvPD. After 1.5 year of being together i was tired of her push/pull avoidance+clinging/controlling/never apologizing.

She broke up in tears so much and was so emotional when i tried to brakeup that i belived she really loves me and wants to change.

She changed - for the better first, she was less controlling and more open, but the abuse started soon. I think i tried to leave still in idealization phase. She would start a fight right after good times so when we met for the weekend or for the day, usually after a good time she would have to brake everything to pieces with a fight over petty thing. For example after we ate i put my dish on-top of another dish and she would argue with me (seriously) that the the dish i put is now dirty underneath from the sauce of the first dish... . (they both would need to be washed anyway). She got fat   i didnt bust her balls about it because i like chubby and i was focusing on our relationship first and our bodies second.

Many   were there and i saw them all but i thought that love could conquer all and we would fix those problems with love understanding and talk. When she argued with me she could never beat me with logic because i`m a very good debater so she just deflected the problem into something else twisting "whats really the problem". So the fights would last many hours. When we were to exhausted to continue or when she ran out of things to say she would use sex to deflect the problem - i hated that but she was very seductive.

After 6 years and the last  i could no longer stand appears - she studied our language in university and i studied electronics. I wrote my big work to graduate and i asked her to check for spelling errors. She would argue with me about every error i made and scold me like i was a 3 year old that broke the window. When i brought her the next chapter i drove to her house with her favorite McDonald dish so she would be in a better mood to check this chapter (crazy right? this is the lengths i would go to make everything better). Still she was very abusive and we fought like crazy and i knew that if she cannot support me in my hard times i have to bail.

I met a girl when i graduated - we quickly came to the conclusion that we would not be together but liked to talk and i liked to talk to her. I was shocked how nice another girl can be to me (great contrast).

I hid this new person because i was walking on eggshells all the time. She found out about her and of course all hell braked loose, i told her that i`m not with her, have not cheated etc. but i want to brake up and i broken up with her.

She was devastated, didnt understand why, i tried to tell her. She was crying non stop, tried everything in the book to get me back. Wanted to do nude-acts (my sister is a photograph) for me, everything she could. She got slim again etc.

My jaw dropped how someone can do so much to get someone back. I didnt understand that she was just reliving her abandonment trauma from childhood.

So... . i let her another chance. This time we were to try REALLY HARD with all our might to make it work. So i tried... .

Sex was better then ever, she started mirroring me like crazy, i found that suspicious but wanted to believe she really loves me. I got hooked hard on her.

Of course it didnt last. She started to regularly argue with me about the girl that i met so the contact with her died out in time.

Then there was a 3 month period of "good times' and she started to argue with me about everything again but in a different way. She just cried and didnt know whats happening etc. lots of crazy hit.

I thought this was just pms, contraceptive pills, or she was still living the traume of me braking up with her.

But it was just her fear of being close and real intimacy.

When last summer i could not deal with all this and started to have clinical depression from all this - nowhere to vent since i was working in a stressfull job which has great responsibility, and after work i was seeing her. And also erectile disfunction (now all gone after a month of no contact , morning erections everyday and while i was not with her they were completly gone). I also became codependent because i was "trying hard" to do good but you cannot with a BPD (the bucket full of holes, you cannot fill it with love).

A the same time i was still as supporting as i could, i payed her debt from university so she didnt have to pay big intrest - she has/had only on job in her life a hitty job on the phone with minimum wage. Payed for a lot of things and tried to do my best.

But she started painting me black in her mind that i didn't really love her (LOLWUT?). So she started to see another guy and she cheated and i found out in a bad way (went to her house and seen evidence of this in her room).

Of course she lied she didn't cheat but i was skeptical about it and trusted my gut but we recycled. Her behavior was even worse so i had a bad roller coaster ride. She tells you she loves you but treats you worse. She says she needs to try her best now since she betrayed my trust but shes betraying it even more the next day. Had to find therapy. It helped and opened my eyes.

The best thing is after we broke up late January this year the first thing she did was drive to this guy she was hiting. And the funny things is he has clinical schizophrenia and is bipolar. I didn't know if she triggered it but he had a attack the day she drove to him and an ambulance drove him to the psych ward they locked him up for a week. So she was "abandoned" now all alone and she breakdown. Later she drove to him again but i think to finally brake up with him, maybe she is sane enough not to be with a guy who is regularly locked up in a psych ward (don`t really know).

We met 4-5 times after that.

The 4th time she admitted to cheating with details i thought maybe i can live with it if she really wants to change and we will work this through. But immediately tried to manipulate me.

A question to my face with a poker face

"What if i told you i lied about cheating because i think i`m not good for you and i think i deserve to be left alone lonely"

I exploded. For the past years i told her she needed to stop lying, for the last year especially hard and the last months when she lost my trust especially i pressed that if this is to work she needs to be truthful.

She immediately admitted again to cheating.

The last time i saw her, she confessed to hacking my email accounts and giving passwords to her friend (who is hited up also). And she tried to persuade me that she didn't act good towards me because of the conversations i had with my sister where i vented about her bad behavior.

Also i confronted her about her PD and she somewhat agreed.

We had sex and later we got in a fight so serious she screamed like a 3year old being skinned. It even was a little physical.

This scream is really something else, it has all pent up emotions mixed together, its terrifying. I immediately dropped the subject and said i`m done. I understand this cannot be fixed (she was in therapy for like 8 months now) and that she will not change.

She didn't want to leave the house. I needed to cool down and wait for her to want to leave (i could not remove her even forcefully, i thought about calling the cops).

After a few days out of the blue she initiates no contact and i`m glad about it because i stopped contacting her anyway after seeing her behavior last time.

i`m in no contact since. Blocked her everywhere i could, even e-mail addresses and i`m doing fine. her brother tried to call me twice but i didn't pick up. Changed my passwords to everything i have (a drag ehh).

Now i`m better then ever. It took a lot of time and i was seriously depressed, my therapist really helped me through this.

Finally i started to do things i didn't do when i was with her because i was too exhausted by the fights/walking on eggshells and managing her moods.

- started a course for motorcycle licence

- will start parachute jumping this month

- go out more (no i have the "want" and the power to do this, when i was with her i was chronically fatigued)

- work out, started eating healthy

- slimmed down 15kg and got more muscle

- met new people

- started spending time on my own (was very hard at first)

- no longer need to be in a relationship to feel happy (loneliness sometimes creeps in but i think its normal).

- no longer i need to sleep 10hours and still be exhausted after sleeping its even weird to wake up in the morning refreshed - i forgot how that feels

- no longer living in stress, only now i see it, earlier i was like i was swimming in stress and a fish does`t know what it thinks of water

- no longer feel fatigued all the time

- have motivation to do things, earlier i spent my days trying to regenerate

- i no longer have ED, and my libido is getting back on track

- started regaining my "self" because i lost it by becoming codependent and stopping caring about myself (she was so high maintenance emotionally that i was too exhausted to care about myself)

i`m 27 years old now.

Have a great job (engineering), i`m fit and good looking (so i`m told and i dont think badly about myself).

Also i`m a lot wiser in terms of relationships and people.

Take this opportunity to live a better life and dont waste your time on relationships you cannot fix/rescue no matter what you do.

I tried that, with all my might and failed.

[Rose Tiger]

I think the reason they can get spaghettied into our thoughts is when we are triggered, with things like D-Day, missing your dad, your feelings go towards something comforting.  Your ex shared your feelings about WWII vets, it's only natural to start thinking about him as a source of comfort while you are thinking about your dad.  You sent out a couple feelers and no response.  That is a bit ouchy, even though contact, big picture, is not a good idea.

Sometimes we need to stay with the feelings, you miss your Dad, you miss sharing things with the ex.  Instead of trying to alleviate those feelings, to escape them, try to fall into them.  They are only feelings, and they won't last forever.  Can you write a letter to your Dad and maybe attach it to a helium balloon to send to him?  Something healthy to deal with these very valid feelings.  Your Dad did some honorable things and I admire how proud you are of him, I'm sorry he is gone too soon.  I wish I could give you a hug.  Here's the next best thing.  

[Changed4safety]

Thank you all so much!  

Oktoberfest, you nailed it.  I'd been doing really well, truly focusing on me, but the D-Day thing rattled me, plus I got some bad news careerwise yesterday as well.  Also for some reason I'd forgotten to take my anti-depressant... . not smart!  Generally I'm toodling along just fine, but I really did expect even a short text ":)oing reenactment with the B-17s today, thinking about your dad."  He always has to have his phone, he's paranoid about it (has type I diabetes so always wants it in case of an emergency) so even if he wasn't on FB he could have shot me a few words, for my father's sake if not for mine.  I'm glad to hear your positive attitude, and while I hated when people said this to me, be grateful you are young and have time to learn from it!  One of my fears is I am turning 50 this year, and it's harder for women to find mates than men as we age.  Even my mom said something yesterday to me about it... . thanks Mom, for the reminder that my relationship with you is the reason I was susceptible to someone like my ex ><  

MarcinN7, thank you for sharing your story.  :)on't worry, I'm NEVER going back, nor ever going to let myself get in so deep with something so unhealthy and dangerous.   Glad to hear you are feeling so much better about yourself.  

RT, you are wonderful, as always, and you too hit the nail on the head.  I actually didn't say anything to him, I'm trying to control what I can control, and that is my own actions.  I'm feeling much better today, really working with putting the negative things in my past behind me.  Thanks especially for your words about my Dad.  He was healthy and active up until around 85 when, believe it or not, his war injuries (spinal damage) caught up with him.  He died at 91, surrounded by family.  He was a hero especially to me.  My therapists believe, as do I, I've been trying to win my mom's approval with my romantic bonds by searching out people who treated me the same way and trying to be "good enough" for them/her.  Maybe it's time I thought about attracting someone as wonderful as my Dad into my life instead!    Hm... . intelligent, funny, kind, gentle, calm, considerate, brave... . yeah, that's sounding good.  

[Rose Tiger]

Yep, it is tougher for women our age.  I do believe there is a grander plan than folks are just floating around like dandelion fluff though.  People hook up at all ages.  A coworker's mom just married, she is 72.  Met a great guy.  You just never know what is around the corner.

[Rose Tiger]

Oh!  And contact from the ex might of been a soothie, like a smoothie.  But they always seem to come with a bad after taste, heartburn and gas.  Not worth it!

[Changed4safety]

I love your attitude RT.  I actually do have a lot to offer, I am a fun and interesting person with a cool career, I'm healthy, active, and look about 10 years younger than my actual age.  It's funny, my "dark secret" is that I KNOW I will find someone I can be healthy and happy with who meets at least enough of my quirky criteria, and that feels "wrong" to believe right now. 

About a week ago a younger, attractive, employed fellow with many of my interests and spiritual outlook (hard to find) who likes older women (it would be only a 7 year age difference, not 18 this time too!) messaged me.  Sadly he lives about 1,000 miles away.  I slept on it, and replied honestly but positively that I was still processing my last relationship, but interested in continuing to talk with him.  I explained some of my interests, and commented on how much we had in common.  He received it positively and said he would reply in more detail at a later point, ending with "Wow!"

Haven't heard from him--habit makes me worry, but MUCH less than I used to.  I told him to reply when he wished, there was no rush.  If I said too much, then I did--better than getting involved in a LDR when I'm clearly not quite ready for one.  The old desires of "maybe this is IT" are coming up, to be gently answered, "Maybe it is, and maybe it isn't, just act in a way that cares for you and you'll be proud of."  At the very least, it is proof that there is at least one person out there who finds me worth going out of his way for! 

Regarding the ex, back to not checking.  He popped in on my FB page to "like" whatever was clearly my most immediate status for him (baking bread, if you can believe it.)  Not a word about my Dad, as he prepares to go to the WWII Ball tonight.

Jerk.