Ex getting married at weekend

[Depression = 72% of members]

My exH is getting married again on Saturday. I posted about this the other night on the 'Personal Inventory' board as I was trying to examine my own emotions and thoughts.  A part of me wanted to believe I was further on than I am - that I was at the stage of it being more about me.  I got some supportive and insightful comments.

But today has been even more difficult.  I was drawn to posting here because the Leaving board has in its title the words 'wounds' and 'failed relationships' and I feel wounded and a bit of a failure (not too much but it's there and it keeps coming to the surface).  I feel I've 'regressed'.

I have been feeling relieved and even liberated because we had been doing the dysfunctional dance of splitting up and reconciling for a long time but now I am struggling and reverting to those feelings I thought I'd got past - those feelings of 'not good enough'; I 'failed'.  Yesterday was the first time I had missed him in months.  The feeling didn't last too long but it was there and I was really anxious that I'd felt that way at all.

When I read these kind of comments on others' posts, I want to hug them and say - 'It's not a reflection on your self-worth'  'It says more about him than you'  'You have the chance to find peace and happiness now' etc but I don't seem to be able to tell myself these things and believe them!

I know that this is the best thing for me.  But we were married a long time, much of it good. I keep thinking about our wedding.  What I need to be remembering is the time a few years ago when he told me his marriage vows were sacred, left a week later and then was dating the week after that.

If anyone else has experienced an ex marrying relatively quickly after breakup, how did you cope?

[clairedair]

My exH is getting married again on Saturday. I posted about this the other night on the 'Personal Inventory' board as I was trying to examine my own emotions and thoughts.  A part of me wanted to believe I was further on than I am - that I was at the stage of it being more about me.  I got some supportive and insightful comments.

But today has been even more difficult.  I was drawn to posting here because the Leaving board has in its title the words 'wounds' and 'failed relationships' and I feel wounded and a bit of a failure (not too much but it's there and it keeps coming to the surface).  I feel I've 'regressed'.

I have been feeling relieved and even liberated because we had been doing the dysfunctional dance of splitting up and reconciling for a long time but now I am struggling and reverting to those feelings I thought I'd got past - those feelings of 'not good enough'; I 'failed'.  Yesterday was the first time I had missed him in months.  The feeling didn't last too long but it was there and I was really anxious that I'd felt that way at all.

When I read these kind of comments on others' posts, I want to hug them and say - 'It's not a reflection on your self-worth'  'It says more about him than you'  'You have the chance to find peace and happiness now' etc but I don't seem to be able to tell myself these things and believe them!

I know that this is the best thing for me.  But we were married a long time, much of it good. I keep thinking about our wedding.  What I need to be remembering is the time a few years ago when he told me his marriage vows were sacred, left a week later and then was dating the week after that.

If anyone else has experienced an ex marrying relatively quickly after breakup, how did you cope?

[schwing]

My ex got married within a year after she dumped me.  And we were together for five years.  She married a guy she insisted she was only friends with while we were dating. Then again I always knew he had a crush on her. We were all in college together.

I had mixed feelings about it. On the one hand I knew I couldn't have married her given the relationship issues we had.  But I wanted to work on these issues before giving up. I wonder if in part she sensed that I was approaching my limit.

On the other hand I thought she was the love of my life. I was very upset that she could even make such a commitment so soon after being with me for so long. It made me feel flawed that she could move on so quickly while I was still reeling from the break-up.

To "prove" myself I became desperate to get involved with someone else as quickly as possible. That became a whole other source of drama and heartache but I still have fond memories of that dance. I was not ready to get involved. If I was I probably could have ended up with that one. But I didn't. That relationship lasted for about a year and a half and I was single for three years after that.

During those three years I didn't stop dating but just dated less seriously.

I remember reading somewhere that a quick cure to a broken heart is to fall in love.  I don't know where I read that. Falling in love was a pleasant distraction but I wasn't fully recovered and that just sabotaged that relationship.

My suggestion is do what you must. Find a compassionate shoulder to cry on... . Or even better find a nice co-miserator (not a word, I know). Any pair of fools can get married (except when you can't). What other people do for themselves or to themselves should not reflect badly upon you... . You need to do what is best for you. But you also have the license to make mistakes.

One suggestion is to try to insulate yourself from any information about them.  The less you know the better off you'll be. Even if the news is that they are struggling... . such news may still affect you and open wounds that have still not fully healed.

Best wishes, Schwing

[clairedair]

thanks Schwing for sharing your own experience. 

One suggestion is to try to insulate yourself from any information about them.  The less you know the better off you'll be. Even if the news is that they are struggling... . such news may still affect you and open wounds that have still not fully healed.

It's difficult to insulate myself from news about ex.  We have children together and I live in same town as his (concerned) family who have remained in contact with me.  I don't actually want to know anything about his life, his wedding or his new wife but other people seem to think I do!  I politely tell them I don't but by then I've found out something else that I end up ruminating about!

My children also mention stuff and I don't want to say to them that they can't because they struggle a bit at times too and need to talk. 

I haven't dated during our separations.  I saw him jump into serious relationship instantly and the effect on others and wanted to avoid that chaos (plus I knew it wouldn't be fair to someone else).  It would maybe be nice now though just to go out to cinema or for a meal.  Still don't want anything serious though.

[stop2think]

clairedair,

Sorry to know of the rough time your are going through.

Although i was in a r/s with my exbf for 1.5 yrs (LDR), but i loved him very much. I believed that we would never end it, even though we were going through times which were unhealthy for the r/s.

May be due the intense bonding we had, I never imagined for one second that he would leave me no matter what happened. I knew we both were frustrated with all the arguments and i did break up with him a few times. But I always reconciled as he always seemed to breakdown emotionally and want cry for me to come back. His control my life was invisible to me until after my break up when the FOG lifted.

4 months ago, he seemed totally disconnected with me and then broke up our r/s. Last month he got engaged to another girl who he met just 2 months after the split. Now they are married.

Oh boy! how much i tried to convinve him before his engagement to reconcile. I flew places i have never been to meet him, talk to him - but refused to meet me. He blamed me for not being ready to marry him when he was.

I was the most devastating feeling in my entire life. I chased someone who had no feelings or respect for me or our r/s anymore. I changed myself for him, when those changes were unnecessary. I cannot explain how i feel when he put his marriage pics on his FB wall. He looked happy and in love with this new woman. She is from his 'caste' and spoke the same language (yeah?), professionally and educationally more qualified than me. I feel like he 'showed' me, that he could get any girl he wants - in ways better than me!

I remember he said he never gets into a r/s quickly after a break up - as his grieving period is usually long. His serious r/s was 3-4 yrs before he met me. But he was having flings now and then. He practically tried for any 'good looking' girl who talks to him.

My previous posts just translate how much pain i am going through. You seem to be a very strong woman (kudos to that) - as you are not rushing into any r/s . I hope you find a wonderful, loyal and mature man who loved you and your children. Hope you find peace and happiness!

[mango_flower]

So as you know, I can understand some of this, to a point. Not that I was married to her, but we had it planned.  I often wonder how our wedding day would have been,what we would have worn, who would have been there, what vows we would have said.  I'll never know.

And next year she'll be marrying her new girl, the day I should have been having were it not for my own choice to wait another year for money reasons etc!

It does make you sad. 

Partly, I think it's because you feel you failed at your marriage.  Even though me and my ex-gf weren't married on paper, in my heart, she was my one. I was never going to leave her, ever.  So for her to leave me, means I must have failed, right?  You never planned this... . you said your vows and meant every one. But now it's a whole different ballgame.  So naturally you feel you failed in some way, or this wouldnt have happened.

But it didn't fail.  Sometimes you have to go with the whole "Reason, Season, Lifetime" thing. Your husband was a season in your life.  Maybe your spring. Because he gave you your beautiul children, it was a new beginning, new life. 

But maybe now you're ready to move on to the summer of your life. 

His path just goes differently here on in.  And that's ok.  The journey you took so far got you both to where you are.

It's ok to miss him. It really is. I've had a terrible day today as I'm back in my hometown - I went shopping and was getting flashbacks every 5 mins whenever I walked past a shop that was one we went in when she last visited here with me (she's the only girl I've ever taken home to meet the parents, why would I not have done? I thought she was my forever).  Memories of when we went shopping for bits for our new home... . how excited we were.  I admit I sat there having a cigarette with tears rolling down my face this afternoon... .

It's ok because we're grieving for what was beautiful.  The trick is to appreciate and be grateful of that fact - that it WAS so beautiful, at the time!  And change hurts and is scary... . like you, I don't know where my life is going now.  She was it.

It's also sad because whilst YOU'RE grieving, he has moved on with somebody else.  Which makes you feel like you meant NOTHING.  Even though at the time you did.  It feels like a knife has been stuck in you, right?  It's frustrating, like you're still there holding a candle at a vigil, swearing never to forget, whilst everyone else has gone off to get drunk and have fun, and seemingly forgotten about all the pain.

I wonder also if there is a part of you which hasn't had it sink in yet that you're over.  So it feels unreal and "wrong" in some way that he's remarrying - because he's not REALLY a "free agent", right?   It could be that you're stuck on the "words that were said" (if you read the links here).

So I do "get" the pain, I really do.  And the confusion, and the numbness.

The way to look at it is - remember all the bad.  Because if it didn't have the bad side, you wouldn't be feeling so "yuck" with all the sadness now (the sadness is normal after any breakup, the yuck feeling should not be). 

So remember the bad - and make yourself smile by thinking about how that new girl is taking that bullet for you - that emotionally-charged bullet, the one that made you miserable towards the end.  She threw herself in your path and took that bullet.  You don't have to take it anymore.

That's kind of tough though, as you get used to the dramas, to the anxieties.  But in time you'll get used to it.

Just go with it, allow yourself to process everything... . day at a time.

xxx

[clairedair]

It's also sad because whilst YOU'RE grieving, he has moved on with somebody else.  Which makes you feel like you meant NOTHING.  Even though at the time you did.  It feels like a knife has been stuck in you, right?  It's frustrating, like you're still there holding a candle at a vigil, swearing never to forget, whilst everyone else has gone off to get drunk and have fun, and seemingly forgotten about all the pain.

Well, I spent some time 'holding a candle' (in that thoughts of our wedding kept coming into my head) whilst others were at his latest wedding 'getting drunk and having fun'.  I am both blessed and cursed by my imagination.  A blessing in that I can be creative.  A curse in that I was unable to prevent  images of people dancing; of him gazing adoringly at new wife whilst making his speech; of my children being present.

Weird day all round but not as devastating as expected.  I am feeling calmer now that it is over with.  I don't know what it will be like first time I hear/see him. 

Feels a bit like I am further on with grieving our relationship than I thought.  I am still upset and frustrated that his actions can have a painful effect on me and still tearfully sad that he couldn't love me in a consistent and caring way but the pain is not as intense and doesn't last. I would like him to be settled because, although I am still angry, I don't really want him to be in the emotional pain he was in and it's easier for our kids if both parents are happier.

He called a few days before the wedding.  There was a part of me that knew I could trigger him with a few choice words but a bigger part of me knew that I really needed him to be married to someone else so i didn't engage.   I had always reconciled with him when that was what he needed.  I like to think I wouldn't have done so after the circumstances around our last split but I'm not sure.  Him being married to someone else is the best way for me to have a healthier and more fulfilling life even if I do have moments of feeling 'easily replaced'.

[cska]

This thread broke my heart... . My girl just left me, and recently told me that I was never genuine, but now she's seeing a genuine guy. I though she was the one, I wanted to start a family with her. She would tell me that I was the only one for her, that she wanted to have children with me... . She was the love of my life. I miss her to dealth.

clairedair, mango_flower, stop2think, you're all in my thoughts... .  

[winston72]

A poignant, heartfelt, wise thread.  All of the emotions exist and are valid (listen to me needing to state that what exists is valid!  Writing on these boards can be so revealing about ourselves!).  I was touched by the thread.  It feels like such healthy, courageous embracing of reality and the wide variety of experiences in these relationships.  There were many brilliant moments and seasons, and many painful and destructive episodes.  They all exist together.  For me, the overall result was something that was emotionally sustainable or life giving, but I move forward much faster as I learn how to allow all of the diverse memories and feelings to live together within me. For me, that means allowing the warm memories to live and breath without my fear that it will drag me back into the abyss, and to authorize myself to be angry and hurt without feeling that I am a bad person. 

Thank you for your posts.

[clairedair]

This thread broke my heart... . My girl just left me, and recently told me that I was never genuine, but now she's seeing a genuine guy.

Hey cska - sorry to hear that you are feeling heartbroken.  I got the 'you're not authentic' line as well.  To an extent it was true first time he started to say this because I used to find it quite difficult to express negative emotions and say how I really felt.   Now I find that this line really annoys me because it seems like a projection - he's the one that says one thing, wakes up next day and says the opposite.

A poignant, heartfelt, wise thread.  All of the emotions exist and are valid (listen to me needing to state that what exists is valid!  Writing on these boards can be so revealing about ourselves!). 

Thanks Winston for the reminder that our feelings are valid.  So used to trying to validate others!

I like what you said about allowing the good memories to co-exist with the painful memories.  I find this very confusing but it's worse when I try to block good or bad or both.  Then I just end up awake because of dreams!  The memories will fade over time and be replaced by other memories that do not include my exH.  Part of me feels very sad writing that.

[seeking balance]

Schwing was a voice of wisdom for me when I came here and the advise is still as sound.

My ex was living with the "friend" within 6 months (I was still paying spousal support, yuck) and having a baby 9 months after the divorce was final.

No magic pill except that it hurts, so feel sad - use the same coping tools you did in the beginning of the breakup.  The pain will pass, like it did before.

I am about 3 years out from the final breakup, 2 years from the divorce and about 9 months since I found out about the baby - I have way more good days than bad.  I tell you this so you know it is going to get better.  I am not romantically involved (I have dated, but nothing special) and my life is not like I pictured, but I am moving forward in a "new" life.  I am content and happy, calm.

I don't engage in knowing about my ex and everyone close to me knows not to bring it up.  There is no point to continuing to rip the scab off - hopefully you can insulate yourself as well.

When I find myself in an angry phase (rarely these days), I actually will read article 9 and one of those pesky false beliefs is rearing it's ugly head... . typically, "hanging onto words that were said."  Coupled with my "core wound" of not being enough - not a pretty picture if I let false beliefs get into my head.

The facts of the disorder do not determine your self worth - this marriage is not about you, it is another way to soothe, not likely based in a sustainable love that you are looking for.

I promise, with time - the intensity of the pain will fade - be good to you 

Peace,

SB

[leftbehind]

I like what you said about allowing the good memories to co-exist with the painful memories.  I find this very confusing but it's worse when I try to block good or bad or both.  Then I just end up awake because of dreams!  The memories will fade over time and be replaced by other memories that do not include my exH.  Part of me feels very sad writing that.

I know exactly how you feel.  I don't want to hate him when I once loved him so much.  But I'm angry at him for breaking us.  It's very confusing indeed.

And it makes me sad that he won't ever be a part of any future I live into.

[imstronghere2]

I'm sorry clairedair that you have to go through this.  I could write volumes on here about my experience.  I was married for 19 years and with my exwBPD for 22.   We actually got married twice in the same year, once at the Justice of the Peace and then again in a church to appease my mother.  Very small ceremony but it was enough so that my mother got to see it.  Then again after about 6 years we had a pastor over to our home to renew our vows so that our 5 year old daughter could see it.  So, my exwBPD said those marriage vows to me 3 times and in the end, it literally meant nothing.  She lied, cheated, deceived, disrespected, manipulated, used and abused me and then abandoned our family.  Within almost one year to the day after our divorce, she married the guy she had her affair with.  I have sole custody of our son and our daughter was 18 and emancipated by the time of our divorce but chooses not to have any contact with her mother.  The exwBPD visits with our son about once a month for maybe 30-40 minutes.  Never calls or contacts him between visits.

How do I feel about her being married?  I hope they live "happily ever after" because that way she'll be occupied and won't bother us.

The entire relationship I had was fantasy.  None of it was real because "she" wasn't real.  Who we knew as wife and mother is now someone completely different and someone we don't want to have anything to do with.

It's hard but we have to accept what we cannot change.

[clairedair]

When I find myself in an angry phase (rarely these days), I actually will read article 9 and one of those pesky false beliefs is rearing it's ugly head... . typically, "hanging onto words that were said."  Coupled with my "core wound" of not being enough - not a pretty picture if I let false beliefs get into my head.

The facts of the disorder do not determine your self worth - this marriage is not about you, it is another way to soothe, not likely based in a sustainable love that you are looking for.

SB

Thanks SB - I printed out the 'beliefs that keep you stuck' because I need to remind myself of them now and again. "words that were said" keep me stuck -the negative ones just as much as the loving ones at times because I too have 'not good enough' moments.  I told him more than once that his actions really triggered this wound and then he'd go and do it again.  Getting together with someone within weeks of our split and then marrying her so quickly does give me a message that I'm not good enough and someone else is but I know that's not really what's going on. I'm so angry about that but I'm trying to work on why I risked this happening to me by reconciling repeatedly.  Had a good session with T this week relating some stuff from childhood to relationship - difficult but interesting for me to see the link.

I don't want to hate him when I once loved him so much.  But I'm angry at him for breaking us.  It's very confusing indeed

Leftbehind - I don't want to hate either - partly because when I saw him bitter and angry with me, I swore I'd never be like that!  Feel like I've tried to be reasonable and understanding for so many years though that I'm unwilling and unable to do it any more. I'm not comfortable feeling like this but maybe feeling like this is actually healthy on one level (as long as it doesn't go on and on).

How do I feel about her being married?  I hope they live "happily ever after" because that way she'll be occupied and won't bother us.

The entire relationship I had was fantasy.  None of it was real because "she" wasn't real.  Who we knew as wife and mother is now someone completely different and someone we don't want to have anything to do with.

It's hard but we have to accept what we cannot change.

HI imstronghere2 - sorry to hear your story, especially that your children have had to suffer so much too.  I get wound up about the effect my ex's choices have on kids but overall he's very loving towards them and wants the best for them.

I am wondering if our entire relationships was a fantasy.  I don't believe it was (or don't want to) but I do realise that the last years I was living in fantasy land believing that things would eventually work out if I was just able to be more patient, understanding, forgiving, loving, attentive etc.  He is now someone 'completely different' to that person I loved and wanted to be married to.  So I too hope that he's happy with new wife so that I'm 'safe'. 

Yes, I'd still like to have two parents in home with our children.  I'd like a partner.  I'd like my best friend back.  But I can't have these things with him any more because he can't stay; he can't follow through on what he says to me/promises me and he certainly hasn't treated me like a friend, let alone a partner

I dreamt about him last night and am still having bouts of tears but like it says to the right of these posts "attachment leads to suffering; detachment leads to freedom".  I know that this recent marriage a positive event for me long-term.  I just don't feel it properly yet.