Thrown off balance - please help

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

So I was going a tad insane with grief and emotional heaviness after the dreadfully deceitful, cheating way I was treated by uBPDxbf after seeing the integration of the new woman into his family and finding out they are constantly together and in close proximity to my place (his place is only around the corner). Those of you who have read my posts would have read about my distress. I haven't posted for a while and haven't come to the board for a few days. I decided in order to change my focus away from him and her that it may be better to not come here for a while.

To update: I drove past them by accident last Saturday. He made NO move to recognise me (I know he saw me) which is completely the first time ever. In the past he has waved and smiled at the very least. This hit me hard in the heart again.

I went even crazier and the next two days I checked whether she was there in the mornings. (On some level I told myself if I saw she was there all the time, I would be even more hurt and it would finally help me move on. Delusion) The second morning she was not there but I didn't realise he was outside by his car and he saw me. I received a text straight after I left saying "I saw you again ! ! ! What is wrong? xo x 100000". I have no idea when he saw me the first time, whether it was the morning before or he just thought the accidental passing was me checking up on him.

I decided not to answer the text and also this is when I decided to cease all focus/contact everything to do with him (including the board for a while) for my health as obviously the addiction "got a hold of me". The first day was hard (I wanted so much to respond and I kept expecting him to turn up or text again as he would have done in the past before hooking into a new woman - he NEVER left me alone). The second was a bit better. Then tonight I received a text from him and it has thrown me off balance - so I want to share it. I have not read the full text because I can not bring myself to do that but by the nature of my phone I saw the beginning of the text and when I tried to dismiss it from my phone screen I saw the end. It says "Please concentrate on your professional life and not stalk me" ... . "xo x 100000 ps. Please leave us alone."

Absolutely and totally sick to the stomach yet again. Want to text back many things but won't. Please share your thoughts/comments.

[learningtowalkagain1]

So I was going a tad insane with grief and emotional heaviness after the dreadfully deceitful, cheating way I was treated by uBPDxbf after seeing the integration of the new woman into his family and finding out they are constantly together and in close proximity to my place (his place is only around the corner). Those of you who have read my posts would have read about my distress. I haven't posted for a while and haven't come to the board for a few days. I decided in order to change my focus away from him and her that it may be better to not come here for a while.

To update: I drove past them by accident last Saturday. He made NO move to recognise me (I know he saw me) which is completely the first time ever. In the past he has waved and smiled at the very least. This hit me hard in the heart again.

I went even crazier and the next two days I checked whether she was there in the mornings. (On some level I told myself if I saw she was there all the time, I would be even more hurt and it would finally help me move on. Delusion) The second morning she was not there but I didn't realise he was outside by his car and he saw me. I received a text straight after I left saying "I saw you again ! ! ! What is wrong? xo x 100000". I have no idea when he saw me the first time, whether it was the morning before or he just thought the accidental passing was me checking up on him.

I decided not to answer the text and also this is when I decided to cease all focus/contact everything to do with him (including the board for a while) for my health as obviously the addiction "got a hold of me". The first day was hard (I wanted so much to respond and I kept expecting him to turn up or text again as he would have done in the past before hooking into a new woman - he NEVER left me alone). The second was a bit better. Then tonight I received a text from him and it has thrown me off balance - so I want to share it. I have not read the full text because I can not bring myself to do that but by the nature of my phone I saw the beginning of the text and when I tried to dismiss it from my phone screen I saw the end. It says "Please concentrate on your professional life and not stalk me" ... . "xo x 100000 ps. Please leave us alone."

Absolutely and totally sick to the stomach yet again. Want to text back many things but won't. Please share your thoughts/comments.

[danley]

I haven't read your previous posts and don't know your story but I will comment on the subject at hand... .

First of all, I think it hurts that someone you cared for completely pretend they don't see you or ignore you. It just shows his maturity level which is lacking. It seems like your ex is full of himself. Regardless if you had driven by accidentally or not, WHY even bother texting you about it? I don't see WHY he needed to. Sounds like he's paranoid a bit.

As far as the text you haven't read... .

AGAIN WHY does he need to contact you? Him telling you to concentrate on your personal life and not stalk him sounds extreme. I think reading this text in it's entirety will help you to reclaim yourself. Read the text. And keep reading it to remind yourself that you don't need someone who talks and treats you this way.

Do you think he texted you as a way of opening up the communication lines with you?

If you DO text him back would it be along the lines of "get over yourself "? Or would it less more towards you explaining yourself?

[bpdspell]

Learning to walk,

I can relate to your situation because my BPDexbf lives across the street... . a mere 75 feet away. Yep. Lucky us.

I still see him weekly and we have been estranged since our breakup two years ago. I have remained No Contact. No apologizes, no friendship and I have created my own closure by accepting that he's emotionally damaged and mentally ill.

This is all new and raw for you but your ex has made the choice to be with his newest victim. I know that it feels like an emotional avalanche but if your ex perceives you as a stalker... . even if you aren't... . chances are he's watching you too... . perhaps on some level expecting you to have a weak moment where you come groveling back... . so I suggest you make some radical changes to empower you in no contact.

Change your phone number or block his texts.

Stay with a friend or a relative for a few days just to get away.

Cancel your Facebook or sign up through another name.

Stop driving by his house by taking another route.

Stop spying on him by focusing on yourself.

I won't say that any of these actions are easy but your ex's latest text indicates to me that he has painted you black or on some level expects to triangulate you. BPD's like being the focus of attention and love taking our temperatures to see how much we're willing to toss our self-respect out of the nearest window to be with them.

It's not fair to you but he's showing you WHO he is, his true nature, and how serious his twisted pretzel logic is. I get it. It stings to know that he's screwing another woman and possibly saying the things to her that he said to you and making her feel good and it all inspires hurt, envy and jealousy but in the midst of your rage please realize that he's not a good person and that he's not playing nice. BPD is a form of narcissism and narcissists care more about their feelings and their needs first and foremost.

It is a fact: The shame ___ treatment you received from him will be the same treatment that others will get too. Leopards don't change spots and BPD's don't change without intensive treatment.

Two days after our breakup my ex was sauntering down the street with his ex as if I were dog chow. I felt like a half-eaten sandwich that was tossed in the middle of the street. But it didn't kill me and your ex being with a new woman will not kill you. It will hurt like hell but you will survive. He is no door prize and soon enough the mask he's wearing with her will drop.

The only thing you can do to get back on balance is to focus on yourself. You cannot stop your obsessive thoughts completely or instantly but you can focus on you. Clean house, exercise, seek a therapist, get away if you can for a few days, stay in a nice hotel if you can afford it... . take a dance class, journal, have friends keep you company... . get a box of tissues and cry... .

Do not respond to any of his texts, calls... . and do not cling to his X & O words. The breakup is raw and new but you will survive this.  

[babyducks]

learningtowalk,

I think its completely understandable that you would be thrown off balance by the exchange you describe.   I think we have all been there and done that in some way shape or form. Its normal BPD stuff or as normal as BPD stuff gets.

I would suggest you don't worry about his text.  Read it, don't read it,  have a trusted friend read it,  have a trusted friend delete it.   In the long haul it doesn't matter.   What matters is you.   How you take care of yourself.   What you do to bring good into your life.

This is what I have learned about engaging with my EX.   No matter what the connection is that I have with her, sooner or later I end up hurt by it.   And not a little hurt either.   The pain we feel is all encompassing on some days.   

I ran into my EX by accident at a public event twice in the last week.   The first time it set me back quite a lot.  The second time I was better with it.   I guess I am still learning.   

Letting go is a struggle.   We are so bonded with our EX's it does some times feel like it's impossible.   It's not though.  It does get better.   And it gets better in small increments.  You are walking you way through the process.

You said in your post that you made the decision to turn the focus on to yourself.   Excellent.   

Now its like the old adage how do you get to Carnegie Hall?   Practice Practice Practice .   Every time your focus shifts to him, pull it back and substitute  something positive for you in the future.  Where you are going to be in 6 months.  The new car you might have in 2 years.   Anything.   Replace the negative with a positive.   Hard to do at first but it gets easier.

I also agree with BPDspell.  Block his texts.   If you can't block his texts,  change his contact name to DO NOT READ.   Do you really want to spend time trying to communicate with some one who just accused you of stalking?   Not a good investment in you.

Be well.

babyducks

[Validation78]

Hey L2W!

This is tough stuff, no doubt!  You have to figure out ways that work for you, to move on with your life and leave the dysfunction behind. The sooner you stop asking why this and why that, the better off you'll be. You will never figure out the motives behind the actions. Simply accept that he has an emotional disorder that causes him to behave in ways we cannot figure out using sound logic!

When you live in close proximity, run ins are bound to happen. If you are uncomfortable with the prospect, do what is in your power to avoid it. As was suggested, do all the things necessary to be completely NC, even if you have to drive on a different road to get around is home. Do whatever it takes to get you on the road to recovery!

Best Wishes,

Val78