Last desire... which does not go away...

[wanttoknowmore]

NC for 12 weeks. NC by her too. I de friended her on FB. But,  a joint acoount which she made 2 years ago still active. I log in and see it once a week to know about her condition. Can't help it. She has not posted anything in last 10 weeks OR may be she has made it private ,excluding me.

I can see her friend's postings at times her picture with them. She gained a lot of weight. Face looks swollen. No evidence of another man yet.

I wonder how she is doing? I need to know. I don't know why? May be I still love her and want her to be happy. WILL NOT CONTACT FOR SURE.

I am happy... . my life is going well... . no complaints... . BUT... . this last desire to keep an eye on her and her well being does not leave me. I do care about her. I am not angry any more.She was big part of my life for 2 years until it all went CRAZY in last 2 months with rages, ST and severe pushing and then, total silence. I just want to know about her condition without contacting her. Is it wrong? Why she is not deleting the joint FB account she made 2 years ago? Why she has not removed pictures with dresses I gifted her? I want to understand everything. Is anything  wrong with that?

[Surnia]

Wanttoknowmore

3 month is not that long time. I would say don't beat yourself about the interest about her wellbeing. Perhaps you can make the intervals a bit longer to check upon her. Or each time you are wondering about her wellbeing you ask yourself with the same interest: How are you, WWkm? Or you can ask the universe: "Please take care for her. She is in need for good energy."

And keep in mind: It is not you who can save her.

[Octoberfest]

It seems to me that you have missed the point of going "No Contact".  And the point of being the L3 section; it may do you some good to reread the title of this section of the forum.

No Contact is NOT an attitude.  It is a mean to an end.

Your attitude is either you still want to be involved with her or you do not.  If you do not, that is where No Contact comes in.

You seem to me mismatching your attitude with your method;  If you are still wanting her in your life, you are doing little more than torturing yourself by being on No Contact.

I am not saying this to dissuade you from being NC, on the contrary, I think it is the right move, however I think you need to reevaluate what you are really wanting here.

Do you really want to move on?  Are you sure?

I ask because you seem to not have fully committed to a path.

How do you get that desire to go away? You accept that she has her own life to live. Her own choices to make.

When I went to my dBPDexgf's T with her, the T made the observation that I was very controlling.  I was kind of taken aback at this- I never tried to be controlling; and I certainly was not enjoying the place that my BPDex and I were in, me having to constantly be looking over her shoulder to see who she was talking to and what she was doing.

After doing some reflection on it I realized that I WAS putting all sorts of "rules" and expectations in place.  I was doing everything I needed to to preserve "us"- in doing so, I lost track of the well being of her and of myself.  I was going way too far to try and sustain something unsustainable.

Now that we have split, it has been an INCREDIBLY hard, and strange concept to get used to that the decisions I make are for ME, not US.  It hurts.  I got used to looking out for her well being; because she is wholly incapable of it.  I made it my duty to try and carry her burdens for her; and the reality is, whether I want to or not, it isn't my job and it is wrong for me to try and do it.  The same is to be said for you.  Yes, it hurts, it kills us, to see them making choices which we can see so clearly are going to hurt them.  It pains us, because we are so used to giving of ourselves, sacrificing our wants and needs to make them happy.  But the fact is, I have no business taking on others burdens if I cannot first handle my own.

I hope some of this makes sense

[ISwallowedaFly]

wanttoknowmore,

"Why she is not deleting the joint FB account she made 2 years ago? Why she has not removed pictures with dresses I gifted her? I want to understand everything. Is anything  wrong with that?"

there can be a point when needing to know more becomes a kind of indirect form of contact. but no, not inherently, not at all, thats why this board is here. making some sense of what youve been through is both normal and part of the healing process.

to answer those questions specifically, it is likely that these pictures, the joint account, etc, keep her from feeling detached from you and alleviate the kinds of feelings a person would normally experience when grieving. i think its probably that simple and though it sounds strange, have you ever had difficulty throwing something away or getting rid of it? its kind of like that. deleting those pictures and/or the joint account would likely trigger her sense of abandonment.