being 'tested'

[Depression = 72% of members]

My uBPD fiance is constantly "testing" me, and others:

after becoming dysregulated, she stopped talking to me last night. I said goodnight, went through my usual routine. this morning she didn't wake me up to say goodbye. which is unusual, even when she's dysregulated.

i decided to give her space. she didnt want to talk to me, so I kept my distance.

until 4pm. i texted her to make sure she was ok, and to see if she felt like talking. she told me that she didn't talk to me all day to see if it would make a difference, and it didnt.

i failed the test. her priority test... .

i don't know what that means. but it isn't the first test i've failed.

how do i handle this? do i even try?

[4n0n]

My uBPD fiance is constantly "testing" me, and others:

after becoming dysregulated, she stopped talking to me last night. I said goodnight, went through my usual routine. this morning she didn't wake me up to say goodbye. which is unusual, even when she's dysregulated.

i decided to give her space. she didnt want to talk to me, so I kept my distance.

until 4pm. i texted her to make sure she was ok, and to see if she felt like talking. she told me that she didn't talk to me all day to see if it would make a difference, and it didnt.

i failed the test. her priority test... .

i don't know what that means. but it isn't the first test i've failed.

how do i handle this? do i even try?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mono No Aware]

Copy-pasta from the Lessons... .

US: Don't pick it up

It takes two to argue. I know at times it seems as though we don't have a choice, but we do. Learning to visualize things can help you recognize patterns much easier. Having the strength to not argue takes practice, but it is possible... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=106107

Don't engage in the traps her disorder sets, it's lose-lose-lose.

Furthermore, don't trap yourself in the FOG:

Get out of the FOG

FOG is an acronym for FEAR, OBLIGATION, AND GUILT.  Simply said it’s EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL.  It is common for the BPD to use emotional blackmail to get what they want/need.  Many times it is the only way they know how. 

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

[4n0n]

Thanks!

I've read both of those before, but i was in definite need of a reminder

[Chosen]

Sorry for being negative, but from my experience, all of these "tests" are just things that set us up to fail.  They make it sound like if we have chosen our actions differently, it would be alright, and we would have passed.  But no, actually it will be exactly the same, except their reasons for our failure would be different.

I guess sometimes "not picking up" an argument is not dissolving the disagreement, or having her think of you in a better light.  This is just not possible as we can't change others' opinions of us.  However, it is leaving them with an "incorrect" portrayal of us (which is "correct" according to them) without trying to correct it.

[Mono No Aware]

Thanks!

I've read both of those before, but i was in definite need of a reminder

I have recently found that I NEED to re-read the Lessons to keep grounded.

I didn't hit this site for 3 weeks and really floundered in dealing with my uBPDw. Now I try to read one Lesson per day.