New Member looking for support

[Moonbeam77]

The last several years have been tough.  When I was growing up my parents divorced when I was young.  My Dad would visit sometimes.  Often he would say he was coming and then not show up at all leaving me feeling sad, angry, and confused.  Months would go by between phone calls or visits.  Then when he did show up I would feel sad angry and confused and he would act as all was normal.  It seemed to me how my siblings and I felt didn't seem to matter to him.  He had a terrible temper and anything could set him off, it was hard to predict when it would happen.  I became a very compliant and obedient kid even then this was not enough to stop him from raging about something.  When I was in college he got remarried.  I really liked his new wife.  He started calling, visiting, and remembering my birthday.  For years I had been praying that something would change and it seemed it was a miracle.  I had a father in my life, I couldn't believe it.  It give me tremendous hope for the future.  Holidays were fun.  I enjoyed my step siblings and step mom. I felt even though I was an adult I had a new family and a new place to "go home" to.  They were married for 10 years.  I felt I had a Dad for 10 years.  I didn't see the rages anymore (I believe there were redirected at my step siblings who lived at home) and he seemed to be interested in my life.  He got divorced from his second wife.  He started dating.  He told me he will not be alone.  He has dated the same person for the past 3 years.  She is very possessive.  She is always present when I try to see him.  When asked if it would be possible to see him without her there he said she has abandonment issues.  She also has not held a job for the past 5 years.  She gets upset when the conversation is not directed toward her.  She is highly sexual with him during my visits: stroking his legs, blowing in his ear, and etc.  When I get home after a visit my Dad will call me up angry and say things like "she thinks you hate her".  I visited one mother's day weekend.  The girlfriend was there about 50% of the time.  If she was not in my Dad's presence she literally was calling him every 15minutes.  Two days later she called me up and said that was the worst Mother's day she had ever had and that she had never been treated so bad in her life.  She ranted for an hour retelling every time I had seen my Dad how angry she was about it since she had something important happening on those days.  It has gotten so bad the past several years.  My brother got married and my Dad got into a rage multiple times over him and his girlfriend not being in more of the wedding photos.  He has raged about me not having pictures of him hung up in my house so I hung up pictures of him in my house.  After listening to raging phone calls after almost every family gathering I have learned to not pick up the phone 1 or 2 days after the event.  Most of his anger toward me is accusing me of not accepting he is dating and "hating his girlfriend".  I don't know what to do.  Honestly I feel I have been patient and kind to her.  I feel sad, angry, and confused.  I don't know what had happened to the Dad I had for 10 years.  I feel anxious about the holidays coming up (I have not been to my Dad's home since last Christmas).  I met with my Dad and his girlfriend this summer and cried and apologized for any and all ways she thinks I hurt her.  It actually made her more mad. At one point she told me "you remind me of my alcoholic mother".  What do I do?  

[crazedncrazymom]

Hi Moonbeam!



You sound really sad and angry and confused.  What a really tough position to be in.  I think you desperately want a relationship with your dad.  Have you told him how you feel about him or his gf calling to yell at you after visits?  I do think it's really smart to limit your contact after a visit.  I imagine that is stressful for you too.

Do either your father or his gf have a mental health diagnosis?  Do you have any children?  If so, how is their relationship with their grandfather?

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, Moonbeam77 & I'd like to join crazedncrazymom in welcoming you to this site. I'm really sorry about all of this drama and trauma with your Dad and his GF. Wow. That behavior would make anybody upset! But, you've found the right place for advice, insights and understanding... .you probably wouldn't believe how many of us on this site can commiserate with your troubles!

When you have the chance, you should check out the links on the right-hand margin on this page; there is so much information there in the form of Lessons, Articles and Workshops on how to understand the BPD loved ones in our lives and how to learn how to communicate with them in order to make things better.

One thing I've found in dealing with the BPD loved ones in my own life is that, though I can't change who they are or how they behave, I can change the way I understand and communicate with them by learning the information in these links: TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth and Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it.

Once I learned these techniques (and it didn't really take too much time to put them into practice) I noticed benefits immediately! Turns out, once I learned how not to push every one of their buttons, they in turn reacted differently to me. And not just differently, but better! I truly suggest you check out those 2 links, and then go to the right margin and check out every link over there... .Please continue to tell us more of your story, and ask more of your questions. It really will help!

[Moonbeam77]

Hi Moonbeam!



You sound really sad and angry and confused.  What a really tough position to be in.  I think you desperately want a relationship with your dad.  Have you told him how you feel about him or his gf calling to yell at you after visits?  I do think it's really smart to limit your contact after a visit.  I imagine that is stressful for you too.

Do either your father or his gf have a mental health diagnosis?  Do you have any children?  If so, how is their relationship with their grandfather?

I know the gf sees a therapist but I do not know if she officially has a diagnosis.  My father has gone to a counselor a couple of times in his life but I don't think he has a diagnosis beyond having a problem with his temper.  You are right, I do desperately want a relationship with my Dad. 

I have three children ages 7, 6, and 1.  Contact with their grandfather has been about 4 times a year the past year or two.  During visits the girlfriend tends to have her own grandchildren over at the same time and sends the children outside to play or finds some other way to direct them away from my Dad.  Her grandchildren live 10 miles away.  We live several hours away.  I feel having her grand kids there at the same time is a tactic to keep my Dad from spending time with his own grand children    Also she is constantly in his physical space stroking him or kissing him or rubbing on him it is difficult for me or my children to talk to him. 

I have been to afraid to directly confront him about the angry phone calls.  He has asked why things are strained.  I did tell him it seems that he is angry most of the time and he said "I am angry most of the time."  He said last year "I don't know what is wrong with everyone".  He has talked about "cutting negative people out of my life" and then he mentions my sister's name.  Last winter he stated "some men start over when they get a divorce"  meaning they cut ties with members of the old family.  I have been too afraid that I will get labeled a negative person.

After the gf raged at me over the phone I did not tell my Dad till much later.  I told him I felt persecuted for just trying to come for a visit.  He told me he didn't know that weekend was so important to his girlfriend and that he shouldn't have had me come.

Her self esteem is so low, she has no job, no friends, no education, and her arguments didn't even make any sense.  I didn't treat her bad or was unkind.  I don't think it is a fair fight so I don't fight.  I apologized for hurting her feelings.  I told her it was difficult for me to want to get involved with another blended family because I have done it so many times.  Between my parents dating relationship I have been part of approx. 16 pseudo-blended families.  I asked her if I needed to date her and her family.  I told her I just wanted a little space to visit my Dad about 4 times a year.  The next time I came to visit all her kids and grandkids were there.

[Moonbeam77]

Hi, Moonbeam77 & I'd like to join crazedncrazymom in welcoming you to this site. I'm really sorry about all of this drama and trauma with your Dad and his GF. Wow. That behavior would make anybody upset! But, you've found the right place for advice, insights and understanding... .you probably wouldn't believe how many of us on this site can commiserate with your troubles!

When you have the chance, you should check out the links on the right-hand margin on this page; there is so much information there in the form of Lessons, Articles and Workshops on how to understand the BPD loved ones in our lives and how to learn how to communicate with them in order to make things better.

One thing I've found in dealing with the BPD loved ones in my own life is that, though I can't change who they are or how they behave, I can change the way I understand and communicate with them by learning the information in these links: TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth and Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it.

Once I learned these techniques (and it didn't really take too much time to put them into practice) I noticed benefits immediately! Turns out, once I learned how not to push every one of their buttons, they in turn reacted differently to me. And not just differently, but better! I truly suggest you check out those 2 links, and then go to the right margin and check out every link over there... .Please continue to tell us more of your story, and ask more of your questions. It really will help!

I have read "Walking on Eggshells" but I am interested to learn more.  I am so grateful just to have an outlet to talk about it!