Going it alone...

[Depression = 72% of members]

So since the break-up with my exBPD, I have had one minor r/ship for 5 months which ended undramatically. Just not the right fit. If I were to be honest though, I was still ruminating about my exBPD and was not ready to date again... . even by accident. I decided that I owed it to myself to explore the cause of the enormous pain I felt at being discarded. I decided not to date until I was in a better place.

18 months later, and I am finally at that place.

Many of you will have read the piece on here about Lonely Child vs. Abandoned Child... . for me it is one of the greatest posts I have ever read. I firmly believe that we nons are stuck in Lonely Child: having to do things to feel loved and stuck in understanding. Determined to crack the riddle. Our self-esteem is poor from an invalidating childhood and the borderline rips the scabs of this belief that we are not enough.

My own feeling is that I could have begun dating again a long time ago. For me, it was a pro-active choice to address my issues head on and alone, or risk perpetuating the pattern of poor r/ship choices for myself. One of the surprising benefits of this hard work is the fact that despite being alone a lot (I even live alone) I am no longer lonely.

My question is this: do you think you can process the trauma of a borderline break-up whilst dating someone new? Or have you also felt compelled to deliberately address this stuff on your own?



BB12

[bb12]

So since the break-up with my exBPD, I have had one minor r/ship for 5 months which ended undramatically. Just not the right fit. If I were to be honest though, I was still ruminating about my exBPD and was not ready to date again... . even by accident. I decided that I owed it to myself to explore the cause of the enormous pain I felt at being discarded. I decided not to date until I was in a better place.

18 months later, and I am finally at that place.

Many of you will have read the piece on here about Lonely Child vs. Abandoned Child... . for me it is one of the greatest posts I have ever read. I firmly believe that we nons are stuck in Lonely Child: having to do things to feel loved and stuck in understanding. Determined to crack the riddle. Our self-esteem is poor from an invalidating childhood and the borderline rips the scabs of this belief that we are not enough.

My own feeling is that I could have begun dating again a long time ago. For me, it was a pro-active choice to address my issues head on and alone, or risk perpetuating the pattern of poor r/ship choices for myself. One of the surprising benefits of this hard work is the fact that despite being alone a lot (I even live alone) I am no longer lonely.

My question is this: do you think you can process the trauma of a borderline break-up whilst dating someone new? Or have you also felt compelled to deliberately address this stuff on your own?



BB12

[Lucky Jim]

Hi BB12, I think the timing for everyone is different in this regard, though presumably we strive to do both at some point: to deal with the past and move forward in new, more satisfying relationships.  A friend once suggested that there was a chemical reaction between my BPDexW and me that created a toxic compound, and maybe that is not far off from the lonely child/abandoned child dynamic that makes a BPD r/s so combustible yet hard to detach from.  Certainly low self-esteem on the part of we Nons is part of it; otherwise, I doubt any of us would have gotten involved in BPD relationships that others would have run from at a much earlier stage.  Being alone is OK, in my view: Life is a lot more peaceful, sometimes boring in a good way, now that I am single once again.  Thanks for posting, LuckyJim

[Bananas]

For me, there is no way I am emotionally stable to date anyone right now.  I don't have the capacity to be present in a relationship.  In fact, for the first time in my life I have a feeling that I cannot trust anyone on that level again.  I am hoping time fixes that.  In the past I had no problems taking a risk, and  "putting myself out there" after heartbreak.  This time I feel different, due to the betrayal.

[bpdspell]

It's wise to nurse your emotional wounds on your own and to not use others as a band-aid and not grow from our harrowing BPD experience. Otherwise we'd be operating just like our BPD's; trying to cover up and fill our broken voids with unsuspecting participants. #nofair

I personally think there's too much self-inventory to be done on our part to even have the time to get involved in a new relationship. I think it's best to give yourself at least 6 months to a year of serious me time... . but that's MHO.

I've done a lot of reading, journaling, praying, crying, mourning, grieving, therapy, growing in my faith and I've never felt better. Without this journey I think I probably would have caused considerably more damage to myself and some new guy trying to "forget" about the BPDex and essentially trying to move on without truly healing... .

After the break up with a BPD our feelings deserve a continuos amount of validation, nurturing and respect and it's best to do this without using others to numb our hurt.

[bb12]

I personally think there's too much self-inventory to be done on our part to even have the time to get involved in a new relationship. I think it's best to give yourself at least 6 months to a year of serious me time... .

After the break up with a BPD our feelings deserve a continuos amount of validation, nurturing and respect and it's best to do this without using others to numb our hurt.

Yep - that's what I've concluded also. I was nowhere near ready to date when I met the last guy and my mind was never on him. The issues dredged up by the exBPD are very entrenched and require dedicated exorcising!